Reflections of 2013...

Reflections of 2013... A lot of 2012 was spent trying to get all my divorce paperwork correct and finalized and the first half of this year, 2013, was spent cleaning up the remnants of that. The really big thing that I was worried about for so long was the house that we owned together and that had stopped receiving a mortgage payment since I moved out at the beginning of 2012. It seemed to take forever to get the house sold and then trying to convince him to move out because you don't own it anymore was pure chaos. It finally took a cleaning crew to go in and just throw years of existence in the trash because he refused to move it. In the months following all that drama came the evolving of that person getting back on his feet with much help from his relatives. It's finally at a point where he's alright and the kids aren't as worried about him as they used to be. Everyone is amicable and it took a long time to get to this place. The B Street house was totally refurbished by the guy who bought it from our short sale inside and outside and went up for sale for $249,000 which is totally crazy-I wonder if they disclosed it was septic like they failed to tell me when I signed the papers to buy it. It was a great weight lifted off my shoulder when I got the notice stating I didn't own it anymore-it was just another chapter in my life. Miji started working at his job he is at now and Anthony got his first job too which were blessings. Anthony also started driving-watch out Inland Empire! We had some crazy weeks there with all the adjusting of getting used to having his own car and paying for insurance and the two car payments that were left and learning how to handle a bi-weekly check. Sometimes families have to cross rocky waters to get to the smooth sailing but eventually it happened. What can I say, I am a mother and moms were put here to nag and give their kids a hard time but eventually when we're older we realize the reasons our moms did this was because they worry about and love us-maybe one day my kids will understand this too. I got a new car-well new to me it's a 2010 Nissan. I named my car Rosie and handed Carmen(my Honda)over to Anthony which he loves! I love my new car-even though it makes a noise I researched and wasn't happy with but at least Miji convinced me to purchase a warranty on it which I have not had to use. I am told the noise is mostly a nuisance so I turn up my radio and let Rosie take me where I need to go. I feel safer driving at night or in the rain which I hate to do but don't mind as much. We used to go everywhere in Miji's car which he calls Charlena but now we take mine. This seems to come in handy when Miji wants to sample different craft beers at the cool places we like to go to. Adri turned 17 and we took her to Santa Monica with her friend and we all had a blast. It's hard to believe that at this time next year she will be a grown up-18 years old and graduated from high school-where did all the time go? Then came August and birthdays galore. Miji, his mom and his aunt. For his Aunt we planned to be there at her house when she woke up so the whole family could sing las mananitas and celebrate with her. It was a great celebration and lots of fun but we got there at 4 am and we were tired. We dropped Adri off with her dad and Miji and I went home to get some rest-it was a sunday afternoon. I complained for him to wake up after sleeping for a few hours because i wasn't tired and I was bored and wanted to do something. I pouted and said "Don't you love me?"...he laughed and asked if I needed anything from the kitchen. He came back, told me to get up and he got down on one knee and proposed to me. He proclaimed how happy I have made him and how much he loves me. I cried, he cried and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. We called up his family who were still celebrating at his aunts house and told them the great news then went back to celebrate again, this time with champagne-it was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. he tells me he wanted it to be more elaborate but that the time felt right. I told him it was perfect just the way it was...then the wedding planning began. We found our wedding and reception venue and after endless hours of dress shopping I found my dress and fell in love instantly with the way the sparkles called my name...what can I say...I love sparkles. My birthday came and went... 41 years old. It's funny how when your parents were that age you think wow that is old but when you reach that age you're thinking...Hmmm, it's not so bad. Then came Ant's birthday and he turned 19-which to him is just one step closer to turning 21. Then halloween...then Thanksgiving...then Christmas...and now here we are looking back on the year and reflecting on all the things that happened to us, with people we know, with the world. We are all going to make our new year resolutions like giving up soda (that's mine!) or losing 25 pounds (that's mine too!) or whatever it is we need or want to do. Some of us will succeed with those resolutions while some of us will give up within a month or two. It's going to be a busy year for me, at least the first half. Adrianna will be done with school by February and will go back to graduate in June and I have to say that I am really proud of her. She got behind and had to change schools to regain her credits but she focused and will now be done sooner than she originally would have and I knew she could do it all along. Then of course is the wedding that I and a lot of people are so looking forward to in July. It feels like it is the first time I have been married even though it's not. But it's so different. I never had the proposal, the big poofy white sparkly beautiful dress, the in-laws who wanted to pitch in. It is going to be a wonderful day and there are approximately 193 days left! So much to do! This is my last new year's eve as a Morales and in saying that, I begin to think of my dad. I tell Miji all the time how my dad would have loved him and I still feel like my dad convinced God to help me find him. He knew we would make a perfect match. Oh how I miss my dad... So in closing and in reflecting, I would like to wish all of you a Happy New Year. Be safe and thankful for all that we are given each and every year...I know I am.

8 Days Before Christmas

December 17th is a day that I have had emblazoned in my mind on this day for the last 20 years. Wow-20 years-seems like a long time and I guess it is a long time. For the last two years I have thought that I could just block it out of my mind when it gets here, but no. 20 years ago today changed my life forever and things like that you can't seem to forget even when it's part of your past. Twenty years ago this day I met the father of my children. I fell for him hard and fast and got sucked into the most tumultuous relationship of my life. We did things backwards and had a son before we were married. There was never a proposal, marriage was just something we decided to do, then came our daughter. There was both good times and bad, but sadly there was more bad than good. we fought, made up, fought, made up...it went on for years this way. When you invest so much time and energy into a relationship it's hard to walk away even when you're unhappy. It becomes even harder when you have kids. I thought about getting a divorce for years but I was too scared to actually go through with it. I was afraid of the unknown and how I would make it through with two kids and one income. I was also scared of something he used to tell me that I eventually believed...Nobody is going to love you or want you, especially with two kids. I still hear the words in my memory. Isn't it strange how things like that stick with you? The kids got older and I gave in to the marriage more and more. I envisioned what my life would be like if I was happy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't locked in some torture chamber unable to leave and there were good times, but I just did not ever think that this was my ever after. People used to ask me if I thought that he was my soul mate and I would quickly respond without hesitation-no! They would think I was crazy I mean we were married after all and I didn't think he was my soul mate, but truly, I never did. I didn't know that there would be a time I would not be with him and I started to doubt that I would ever find what I truly wanted and needed in a relationship because here I was, married to him. We renewed our vows because we thought maybe we could make it work and that would help, no. We bought a house together thinking we could be happy there forever, no. After we moved into that house things got worse and the fights became more intense and the words more harsh. The kids were getting older and wiser and it was not the way iI wanted them to remember their teen years-enough was enough. My sister once told me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know it was time to leave and I did. There is a song with these lyrics... "You can only go for so long doing the one you claim to love wrong before too much is enough you look up and find your love gone" Those words stuck with me and they became more true with each new day. I told him for years that I was leaving and one day when I reached my breaking point and worked up enough courage I finally did. My mom told me that one day I would look back at that time in my life and wonder what took me so long and she was right. Today I am the happiest I have been since the days I held each of my kids for the first time. The man in my life is the one that I know I was meant to be with and if people ask me if I think he is my soul mate there is not a doubt in my mind. He holds me and tells me things I never thought I would hear. He made me believe in love again and I will become his wife in 2014. Perhaps today's date will eventually fade away but if not, it's ok. I learned a lot from my first marriage, it made me stronger to be the person I am today. Had I not met him 20 years ago today I would not have been given the gift of my children, and I cannot imagine my life without them. They have been there with me pretty much from the beginning and I love them more than they will ever understand. I went through what I did mostly for their benefit and I have little regret. In all the bad that he and I went through, I don't wish him anything but the happiness and love that I have found in my new life, the one where December 17th is nothing more than 8 days before Christmas.

Calm Down Bridezilla it's Christmas!

I have a wedding widget on my phone that counts down how many days are left until our big day next year. I also have the days numbered on my calendar at work. Today the number reads 218. Just 218 days left! Yes I know that sounds like a lot but I know once the holidays pass the time is going to fly by. I have kind of been in this sort of mode where I feel like I have to do something for the wedding every few days like watching wedding shows or looking for invitations or going on the David's Bridal website just to feel like a wedding is going to happen. When Miji proposed to me in August we kind of got a little ahead of ourselves. We booked the venue for the wedding and reception, I bought my dress, we picked out tuxedos and bridesmaids dresses, held a wedding party meeting, booked the photographer, set up a meeting with the cake lady, booked the DJ-whew! I know what you're thinking...what's left?!! I know, I know, we have got a lot accomplished and now it's time for the holidays. I was so used to doing something every week that needed to get done and now we're just sitting back and enjoying the holidays. In the back of my mind though I think of new things that have to be done and worry about crazy things-Like what if the girls don't buy their dresses and they go on clearance and stop selling them? What if the guys don't get fitted for their tuxes by the deadline? The little things keep nagging me and while I want to enjoy the holidays I find myself thinking of all these things in my head-I am crazy!!! I was watching an episode of Say Yes to the Dress and the brides were going in to buy new dresses because they changed their minds about their original dresses that they fell in love with. I do that too! I find myself going on David's Bridal website looking for different things, then I realize I totally love my dress and the way that it sparkles and shines-it is so me and I cannot wait to wear it. Quite often I unzip the bag my dress lives in for now and I say hello dress-it's me, I love you! Miji and his parents think its funny when I do that. I tell myself that I better take some time to enjoy the holidays because I know that once 2014 gets here I will have just 192 days on my wedding widget-see how crazy I am that I know that!? I also know that come january I have to get serious about the gym! I have been in a weird not wanting to do any fitness related thing because of last week being Thanksgiving and the next few weeks filled with parties, lunches and potlucks and Christmas-why even bother! Yup, I am sure my gym is going to be packed come January and I plan on being there all the time!!! I tried to be good the other day by doing some good old manual situps-yeah that was fun, I ended up having to take a pain pill because I messed up my back-see what I get for trying? Oh well-I am on a mission come january and I figure as long as my dress zips up, that's perfect! So for now I will put all my wedding thoughts to the back of my mind, enjoy the holidays and fattening food and in January I will begin to drive the 25 people that are in my wedding crazy in a non bridezilla-ish way!

The Bigger Things

Today is a chilly day in the Inland Empire. This is the kind of winter that I can handle. Yesterday it was pouring down rain which is fine when you're curled up on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate or laying in bed with the one you love just hanging out and listening to the rain. Unfortunately I was at work through all the rain and driving through it to get home when it seemed to be at its worst-I hate driving in the rain. Today when I walked Miji to his car and the wind was blowing through my hair and I was marveling at the beautiful weather, I stood there in my front yard taking in everything that I have to be grateful for. I watched Miji drive down the street and thought to myself how very lucky I am to have this man in my life. This man has come into my life and turned my world around. Since I have met him I have become a better person and everybody sees it. I can't wait to go to bed each night so he can wrap his arms around me like he does and in the morning I get to wake up beside him. It's one of the best feelings in the world to feel so loved. I looked at the Honda that used to be mine that my son now has and is putting a lot of time into. Yesterday he got the windows tinted and it made him happy. It made me smile and I think about how happy he is and has been. Two years ago at this time he still had one of his closest friends in his life but then suddenly lost him in a tragic accident. My son could have been in that vehicle that day but I told him he couldn't go. I think about it often and I thank God each time. Anthony has come a long way from that dark time after he lost his friend and was so sad for a really long time. Add to that my divorce from his dad and the transition of moving in to a totally different environment. He has come a long way and sort of grown up. He is 19 years old, graduated from high school, has a good job and he is looking forward to his future with his fiancee. He has a pretty good head on his shoulders and knows right from wrong. He is still my little boy in my eyes but I know as he gets older and time goes by he is going to grow up to be something great, he already is to me. I walked back into my house and sat in my room listening to my daughter talk to her friend on speakerphone-I am proud of this one as well. We just found out last week that her grades are the best they have been since she started high school. Teenagers these days tend to slip up on their grades. This year I sent her to a different school to get caught up on credits and get back on track and she has made me proud. She has also come a long way. I remember a time when she would sleep with me in my room the year before I filed for the divorce when my ex and I slept in separate rooms. We really bonded during this time and she was my little rock when times were bad. She protected me in a sense and whenever an argument would start between her dad and I back then she would try to diffuse the situation. She is like me in so many ways and she has blossomed into this beautiful young lady. It is hard to believe she will be an adult two days before my wedding-she has grown so fast. I see shows on TV where girls younger than she is already have had kids at that young age and I am thankful that that is not her because I know she has her whole life ahead of her to plan her way. Miji always tells me that I have done a good job considering all that we have had to go through to get to this point. Things could have gone differently but they have gone all according to God's great plan. I have come to realize that the secret to being happy in your life is being grateful for what you have without wanting more and I can honestly say I truly understand that right now at this point in my life. Sometimes you have to realize that the little things that make you smile really are the bigger things.

Outta My Way Pumpkin Pie-I Have Goals!

Today is gym day and right now I am not feeling it but I made a promise to myself that I am going to lose thirty pounds even if I pass out once in a while in the process. Miji and I decided soon after he proposed that we would join a gym so we could drop some of these love pounds. In case you don't know what love pounds are it is the weight that you gain once you have found the one and you are so in love you figure they will love you no matter what you look like. Now I am not doubting that MIji would not stop loving me nor would I stop loving him and we even laugh and say if we weighed 950 pounds we would feed each other in bed since we would'nt be able to move at that point! But the thing is I want to look good and feel good and be happy when Miji tells me how beautiful I am-I want to feel like I am beautiful too! So we joined Planet Fitness and it was a pretty good deal $10 each per month-not bad. When we first joined we were going at least 3 times per week but then as the time changed we just wanted to get home and do our evening routine without feeling like it was 10:00 at night. Last week I put my foot down and told Miji we had to get back in gear and get back to the gym-he didn't like it, but he agreed. I went back last Friday on my day off and I decided to get there early to avoid the crowds and the weird people-yes there are weird people there...let's take a few minutes to talk about that. Now I am not saying I am perfect, not by far but ya, weird people. There are the ones that look like Ghetto astronauts and wear plastic looking space workout suits. They are used to make them sweat more during their workout but it seems that the people who wear these are not really working out but kinda just standing around drinking water or sitting on a machine taking up the space and watching everyone else. Then there are the overachievers-hey good for them. I get it, they have goals and they will probably get there because they are working hard. They are the type that make you feel like a loser. The ones that are running like a crazy guy on the treadmill and singing "Eye of the tiger" as they reach mile 25 in under an hour! Then there are the ones who are waiting for the machine you just got on and they look at you like you are wasting their time and you just know they are cussing you out in their head. You tend to just put your head down and concentrate on your workout while secretly wishing they would go away. There are the body builders. They are the ones sitting up in front of the mirrors or on those weight machines that get crazy if you go on the machine they walk away from like it is theirs. I enjoy watching the mirrors they are looking into to see what funny faces they make as they lift their heavy weights. I am just one of the ones who wants to go in and workout without any problems. Miji and I first tried to work out together but we distracted each other talking and laughing. He also likes to try and be one of those motivators who say "c'mon five more minutes c'mon you can do it" Ugh! I know I can do it but I would be much more happy with a donut! So anyways I went back last week and worked out alone and I felt accomplished. I found a routine that I think I am going to try and stick to that I like. Miji likes doing 20 minutes of cardio on the treadmill but I need variety or I get bored, I don't have as much focus as he does. I love the bikes because you can knock out a few miles really fast and you're sitting down and bonus, there are like 20 TV's in front of me-except I have to read the screens! Then they have this sort of swing for your abs. You kneel on it and pull your way up while your body is swinging away-love it and you can feel it working the next day. Recently I discovered this ab machine that you push weight forward. It wasn't till I was having so much fun on this that I realized it was like a sit up-another bonus! On to the next machine that you kneel on and do side twists. I guess I love these machines because it seems more like fun than a workout! Then I move on to the arm machines. My wedding dress is strapless since they really don't make dresses with sleeves anymore and so I am trying to get cute little arms-I do not want to be flabby arm girl! So it's back to the gym tonight with my 30 pound goal in sight only for it to be ruined by all that scrumptious food next week-Damn you turkey and pumpkin pie-why do you mock me?

Honeymoon Phase Forever

I was reading an interesting article about how to tell if your "Honeymoon Phase" of your relationship is over. The honeymoon phase is defined as the beginning stage of your relationship where the other person can do no wrong and everything is blissful. The article stated that after about three months the honeymoon phase starts to end and then the real people of the relationship start to emerge. After reading this I smiled to myself because after 1 year and 10 months together Miji and I are still in the "Honeymoon Phase". I remember when we first started dating we went to Yardhouse at Victoria Gardens in Rancho Cucamonga. We were seated at this big round table by this waitress who looked so annoyed with us because we were laughing and smiling and flirting with each other and just so in love. The funny thing is that we are still this way with each other as if no time has passed-it is the most incredible feeling in the world. My favorite part of the day is when the day is almost over and we retreat to our room for the evening. We hang out on our bed and just watch tv and laugh about stupid things and talk until we are tired and fall asleep in each other's arms. Sometimes he will be doing something on his phone while I am on mine and we glance at each other and just smile and mouth the words "I love you" to each other. Even in the middle of night he wraps his arm around me or pulls my arm around him like a blanket. We are in the honeymoon phase even when we are sleeping! I was thinking about that article and thinking back to all my relationships before I met Miji and I can honestly say that in those relationships that article was true-the real people that was myself and them emerged and the honeymoon phase did end after three months-sometimes even less. In this case with Miji it has been so different than anything I have ever experienced. From the moment I watch him pull out of our driveway to the moment I see him as I walk in the door at night I miss him and am counting down the hours until I see him again. He will come up to me and put his arms around me and say "God, I love you" and he looks at me with his warm brown eyes with so much love that it makes me emotional. Sometimes while we are laying there at night and he is telling me how much he loves me and all the reasons why, I start to cry and I tell him how happy I am and how lucky I feel to have him in my life. Some people don't believe in soulmates and I used to doubt that soulmates existed at one time in my life, but not anymore, I believe I have found the one my soul belongs with as his belongs with me. He once sent me a quote that I have on my cubicle wall at work to remind me how incredibly lucky I am. Here it is: "There's this incredible feeling you get when you meet someone new and you feel like you've known them your whole life. Beyond the fact that you now share a set of reference points, there's something so much more intrinsic They're not just awesome, kind or funny. It's that their sensibilities and personality so line up with your own that you feel it in your bones. It's outright chemical. Sometimes you didn't know this person at all. Sometimes you've heard a million things about them beforehand. But there is no denying it when it happens, and you wonder how you've ever, ever got by in your life without them." Under the quote he wrote "That's you sweetie". He makes the whole world melt away when he looks at me and I will never be the same. My wish is for every person in love to always be in the honeymoon phase-just like me and my Miji.

My Last Last Name

It totally amazes me sometimes where I am now as opposed to where I was less than two years ago. I mean sometimes I get so overwhelmed by it all that I cry as I think about it. Flash back to two years ago... It was November 2011. Just weeks earlier I filed for divorce and I spent most of my time in what I called my own suite. It was the formal living room to the house that my then soon to be ex-husband purchased in 2008. It was the opposite side of the house where he occupied the back den, master bedroom and bathroom. In the beginning of 2011 I had decided I could not pretend anymore and I was tired of alternating who had the room on what night so I made the livingroom into my own. I had my own double bed, some recliner chairs, a couch, cable tv and whatever I needed. Worry and a lack of faith was the only thing preventing me from moving out completely. I had never owned a house before and I was so scared of just walking away from the payments, I mean just totally thinking forget it. Our house payment was a little over $1,400 and I felt like I would be sued and did not know what to do about it. I also knew that if I did leave, he would not be able to make the payment-which is why I stayed. As the holidays drew closer I dreaded it. We were known to fight on the holidays instead of being happy like everyone else. There was always something that turned into an argument on the holidays. We rarely said fewer than a few sentences to each other every day and it was just a bad situation. I can honestly say that in 2011 I do not even remember what we did for Thanksgiving. I do remember that Anthony wanted to go to Merced with his friends but I wouldn't let him go because I thought it was too far. I have to admit it was one of the most imprtant decisions of my life. Just days later those friends on that trip were in a tragic car accident and two of his friends died. It was an emotional time. Words his friend used to tell people inspired me to make me understand that I was the only one who was responsible for my own happiness. It was then I realized that you can't take life for granted and believe you have forever. Then it was December. My son was sad and emotional about losing his friend and me and the girl tried to be there for him as much as he would allow. His dad just didn't really get it and went on with life as usual. He didn't really understand how hurt my son truly was over the loss and there was a lot of tension which led to more arguments. The kids and I bonded together during this time and I knew a change had to be made but I didn't know how. One evening in December my ex-sister in law and now my friend invited me over to her place for dinner. It would be the night that totally changed my life. She was there with her roommate and my nephew and a guy I didn't know. I came to find out it was a guy she was dating. They were wonderfully happy and so well in sync that it made me envious. They had that chemistry that people search to find. I asked them where they met and they told me Match.Com. Really? I thought-wow it looked like this was a great match...maybe I could be so lucky. They told me I should try it and I was amused, I really wanted to do it. I went home and logged on to my computer and checked the site out. You can join for free and make a profile but in order for it to work at the sites full potential you have to pay for one of their plans, otherwise communication with others on the site is pretty much impossible aside from winking. I remember thinking here I am this person who is still technically married even though I have filed for a divorce but have only tried to serve the paperwork. How would that even work? What would I even say..."Yes I want to get to know you but I am still technically married, hopefully soon to be divorced oh and by the way, I still live in the same house as the soon to be ex husband." It sounded crazy and I didn't go back for a few days. The truth is, I wasn't looking to go on the site and find a boyfriend, I just wanted to get out in the world again and hang out and find myself-it's hard to understand if you have never been there. Christmas came and went and by New Year's eve I decided to just pay for a month and see what happened-another important decision. If you have ever been on an online site you will agree that there is a lot of sifting you have to do-so I did. I saw the profile of a guy that was handsome and seemed really nice. I was put off by a photo he had that made him look high maintenance and I winked but didn't leave him a message...until a few days later. He responded and we started texting each other every day little by little. We decided to meet for lunch one day and we instantly clicked. It was like we had known each other forever. We were so at ease with other and it just felt right. I can't explain it but I knew that I wanted to be around him. We were very open and honest with each other and I told him about my soon to be divorce and my living situation. I told him I had two kids and he told me he had none but that it was not an issue if he never had any of his own (which was great because my baby factory closed down!) What can I say we just clicked. He got me and I got him. He embraced my outgoing and humorous personality because he was the same way. Back at the house the tension had turned into explosions of fighting and a lot of the time it wasn't even me and him but equations of him and the kids and sometimes me. A friend of mine was finally able to serve him the divorce papers after a few failed attempts. It was hard to serve paperwork to someone who never answered the door but looked right at you through a window-ugh! One day I remembered about a public meeting he would be attending, and that's when it happened. After that, things became worse at home because it was official. My years of telling him I was leaving were finally coming to an end and happening and it was hard for him to grasp. He also had the realization that the space he put between him and the kids in fighting with them for so long would probably make them want to leave with me as well. Two weeks before February 2012, I found an apartment and started packing the most essential things accumulated in a span of almost 20 years in boxes. It was done and he knew it. He would get mad and knock over my neatly stacked boxes. He would start arguments and Anthony and Adri would tell him to leave me alone-protecting me. I spent the first night in my new apartment on a Friday and officially moved our things in on a Saturday. It was the first time that Ant met the person in my life from match. Ad had already met him and things went just as they were supposed to and they were ok because they saw the changes I was making in my life for the betterment of all of us (is betterment a word?). Time in my apartment was spent finding myself again and doing things I wanted to do. The kids were happier and had this place where they didn't have to fight everyday. The divorce procedure went fairly smoothly aside from getting paperwork sent back to me over and over. I finally had to get the help from a paralegal to get it done right and on July 19, 2012 I became the person I had not been for so long...Tembi Mina Morales. It was one of the most happiest days in my life-I suddenly felt so free, it was an amazing feeling. Then came November a year ago. That's when me and the person from match.com (I call him Miji) decided to take our relationship to another level. We moved in to a house together with the kids and we haven't looked back. It's a house in a quiet neighborhood just big enough for the four of us and a few pets. We pay all of our bills and have a little left over. We are happy. It's a simple life and I look forward to going home every night where as before i looked forward to going to work to just get away. The crazy fighting that used to exist exists no more. Just the other day Adri told me that they both feel safe at our house and it made me teary eyed. We have lived there for a year and this year we went into our new lease as newly engaged. Miji asked me to marry him on August 18th of this year and of course I said yes. He has turned our lives around (with the help of God of course). I believe he was my destiny, my Godsend, my soulmate. I am such a better person because of him and he balances out all my flaws. I cannot imagine what life would be if I had never met him. I am thankful each day for the way life has turned out. In July 2014 I will become Tembi Mina Tovar...which will be the last name I will ever have.

Always In My Heart Forever

I was asked yesterday by a friend of mine what happened to my blog. The truth is I have been so busy with everything going on in my life that I kind of put it to the side, which I hate because I promised myself that I would start writing more so I am making a vow or trying to at least to remember to write my blog at least once per week. Hopefully it will be like a tv show that you wind up looking forward to on a certain day. I knew instantly what I wanted today's blog to be about. It is something I gave a speech on at one of my recent Toastmasters meetings. In case some of you are are wondering what Toastmasters is, it is a speech club where you have to give speeches and hear speeches and help each other be better public speakers. I joined the club because I was told to for work but I have really come to enjoy it. Anyways, the title of that speech was "Always In My Heart". As many of you know, I am getting married in July of next year and with each new day I am looking forward to that special day. I am sure you all know that I was married before and had two weddings with that person. As I write this I think of little details that were staring me in the face back then but that I clearly did not see. The first wedding was at the Hall of records in San Bernardino. I wore a white suit and there were some friends and family there. My dad was keeping Anthony busy (yes we already had Anthony before we were married) instead of walking me down the tiny little aisle and I thought it was no big deal-I mean we were at the Hall of Records. We went out to lunch after that and the following week we had a reception at a hall-nothing fancy. Things I remember from that reception...His family came together and left together and didn't stay the whole time. When I couldn't find him I went looking and found him in a small room with some strange wedding guest (a girl) whom I didn't know standing very close and fixing his tie-Boy, was I naive. The second wedding was ten years later in a church I wore a red evening gown type of dress and again we had the reception in a hall. It ended up being a big mess that I choose to block out. It was not really organized, family members had disagreements, ugh. Also, this time...my Dad was already gone. He had passed away a few months before the wedding and it was hard to think that one of the most special times for a daughter and her Daddy walking down the aisle was something that I would never get to experience-ever. As you all know from knowing me I ended up getting a divorce and have now been divorced for over a year. It's funny how things happen in life the way you never imagined they would. I remember fighting with the Ex and telling him I would never get married again because I never wanted to go through the hell of it again. I guess what I did not realize at the time was that marriage is not supposed to be what I had experienced with him for so long. Miji came along and showed me everything I was supposed to experience when you're truly in love and it has been an experience I can honestly say I have never felt before. He has made me believe in love again, something I gave up on years before with the Ex. We talked about marriage on and off and he told me that he was going to marry me one day. He proposed to me on August 18th and it was something I had never experienced before. Every little girl dreams about that special someone proposing down on one knee confessing his love and I had never had that. The first time around I told him we should get married since we already had Ant-he said ok-no proposal. Miji and I were alone on a Sunday afternoon and he told me he was going to the kitchen to get some water and he came back with a ring box in his hand and got down on one knee and told me how much he loved me and all I meant to him and all the reasons he wanted to marry me. We both cried and I was so happy-we both were. We called up our families and told them the news, We celebrated with his family as it was also his Aunt's birthday. When we got there they had champagne waiting for us and the wedding planning commenced. Adri thought that I should tell her dad so she didnt let it slip while visiting him so I thought I would tell him as a courtesy. He reminded me that I had said that I was never going to get married again during one of our fights and I told him it was because of the way he made me feel about marriage-it was very freeing to say that to him. He has since congratulated me and Miji-not that it ever mattered. The wedding planning process has been something that I never really experienced before. This time around I have a fiance who has a loving and caring family and who are so involved and actually want to be involved. This time around I had that wonderful proposal that I had always dreamed about. This time around I have that beautiful white wedding dress that makes my eyes light up every time I look at it. This time around I have everything I ever dreamed a wedding should be like...except for one thing...I don't have my Daddy. I have been thinking about my Dad a lot since the wedding planning process began. I always think of how happy he would be for me and Miji. Miji sometimes asks me if I think that my Dad would like him and I respond...he would have loved you, and that's so true. My Dad always only wanted the best for me and I know that he is watching all this from Heaven finally satisfied that I am in the place in my life right now where I always should have been. I used to pray all the time that I would be given someone who would love me and care for me and protect me, and I so have that now-it's truly amazing and I am just in awe each time I think of it. I think about all the little coincidences in my life that connected Miji and I and it makes me believe even more how we were meant to be. I regret the fact that I never had my Dad walk me down the aisle, but I guess I just thought that he would always be here. As it turns out, the money that I spent on the dress I love so much was bought with some money that belonged to my Dad. I have asked my Uncle to walk me down the aisle because he was my Dad's brother and I will feel like it's my Dad guiding me to the man of my dreams who is waiting for me at the end. In a sense, my Dad will be with me as I walk down the aisle as I will feel it when I put on my dress like he is in my soul-I feel him with me right now as I write this. You always see those movies where the loved one has passed and their spirits are right there with their loved ones-that's how I feel a lot of the time when I am alone or feeling happy or passing my Dad's picture in the hallway. When I was little I used to tell my Dad that I never wanted him to die and he would tell me that everybody has to die but that no matter what he would always live on in my heart. I couldn't understand just what he meant back then but I do now and he was right. Sometimes when I am missing my Dad I reach up and feel my heartbeat and feel a sense of security knowing that my Dad is always there...Miss you Dad.

Happy Birthday Mama!

Dear Mom-

Tomorrow while we are all celebrating Independence Day with fabulous food, wonderful company and a dazzling display of fireworks everywhere I will be thinking of you on what will be your 70th birthday.  It is hard to believe that you are 70 when it still feels like only yesterday that you were my age.  I remember when we were younger and you used to get dressed for work.  You were always matching and coordinating your clothes.  I remember thinking how well put together you were even though we sometimes called you Polly Ester since you wore your polyester pants.  Looking back your style was not much different from mine now.  I guess it is true that eventually we all turn into our mothers somehow-I know I have in a few ways.

I have soooo many memories of you and sometimes I just sit and laugh thinking of them.  I remember how you loved to sing and how you and my dad would turn on that crazy stereo system we called Big Bertha and hooked up your microphones and sang along to Patsy Cline and that crazy song that went something like "Your bags are packed and waiting...".  It's funny how I hated your music back then, but now when I hear those familiar melodies in my head they make me smile and I turn them up-now driving my own kids crazy with those songs.  I remember how it would drive us all crazy how you would remind us to do things and turn stuff off-Just ask Miji and the kids how I now am the crazy reminder lady! I am always telling them to turn off this, unplug that or check whatever.  I remember that stupid little bell chime you had on the back of the front door as a little noisemaker when someone came in.  Kenny and I hated that thing because we knew you would be listening to it if we came home late AND on top of that you would sometimes set your alarm to match our curfews to make sure we were home!  Looking back now I think it was a wonderful idea and may start using it too with your grandkids!  I remember how you loved to do crafty things. I think this is where I got my love of crafting because I saw you do it all the time and you enjoyed doing it.  I love to shop at thrift stores and think back to when you co-owned that thrift store and you made me run the cash register since you didn't know how!  Darn I wish you still owned that-what a dream come true!!

At summertime I am reminded of how you used to swim in our pool.  You had your blue high tech heavy duty glass mask that would cover half of your face.  It worked so good at keeping water out that when you would take it off there would be a ring around your face on the area it was placed that would stay for at least an hour!  You would float around the pool with empty chlorine bottles and it was such a funny sight to see.  I can still see you now and it makes me giggle.  I remember how you would let anyone come over in the summertime and use the pool and you were always in the kitchen making food for whoever came over making sure to be a wonderful hostess. 

I remember how you were always considered the cool mom and all our friends told us so, even though we may not have thought it at the time.  We were always there at the house with our friends and you would always make them feel at home just to make us happy.   I remember how when we lived on Encina you made that ham one night and my friend Pam came over and ate most of it in sandwiches-you were so mad but you got over it and weren't too mad at me! I remember your huge camcorder that was as big as a TV studio camera that you always had to catch any candid moment on film.  You made us crazy with all the special effects you would incorporate into any video you made and we hated how you would play the videos over and over again.

I remember how you were very particular about us using things around the house.  For some reason you always thought that if we used the washing machine or dishwasher or whatever we would end up breaking it.  I am laughing right now because I am exactly the same way.  I would rather do everything so I know that I will do it the way I want it done.  I remember how you guys had so many friends from being on the CB Radio or from work and how we were always visiting with people and just always having a good time.  I remember hanging out at the bowling alley on Friday night for four hours while you guys bowled on the league.  I remember Friday night poker games.  There was always something going on for fun.

I remember moving a lot when we were growing up and I remember a lot of the sacrifices that you made for us.  I know that you worked really hard just to give us the basics.  I remember complaining to you of things I wanted sometimes and you would try and get those things for us.  If you couldn't we may have been mad and may have been mean at the time but Mom, I want you to know that I totally understand now.  I know it took a while, but I do.  I am so much like you that it makes me crazy (but in a good way).  I have turned into that mother that reminds the family to do basic things.  I am the mother who cannot sleep at night until the kids are home safe or have called me to let me know where they are.  I am the mother who the kids think does not know anything since they are sure I have never experienced their problems.  I am the mother who wants a clean house, repectful kids and love and happiness...just like you did.

I know I may not always tell you mama but I sincerely love you with all my heart.  I miss you all the time now that you live so far away.  I remember when I was younger and you used to say how you hated Los Angeles traffic and that you would never drive there.  Just to spite you I would always say when I was old enough I was going to move to LA-what a witch I was right?  The kids tell me similar things in their own ways and while it annoys me I don't really take it to heart because I remember the things I used to say to you to press your buttons!  I think about all the advice you have given me over the years and most of it was right on!  I remember calling you the day I turned in divorce paperwork and I remember crying to you that I was scared and what if I couldn't do this and you told me how one day I would look back on that day and laugh and wonder why I did not do it sooner.  You assured me that I was strong enough to get through anything and that I would be so happy and deserved to be so happy-you nailed that one right on as well-I am so happy!!

I am glad that you are happy as well mom.  I know you are married to a man who loves you and takes care of you and keeps a smile on your face and we all deserve that.  It means so much to me that you are finally happy with the person I am with.  I know throughout the years I may have been upset with the opinions you gave me of that person who made me so unhappy but I guess it was just because I knew what you were saying was true and I was just in denial of all of it.  I am so glad that you never gave up on me and reassured me that I do deserve happiness because I know that your encouragement helped me to get where I am now.  I am glad you like Miji and I want to assure you in every way that I am the happiest I have ever been with a significant other.  He is the Prince Charming you used to read to me about when I was little.

So Mom I just want to tell you that while I will miss you on your birthday and spending it with you, please know my thoughts will be of you and knowing in my heart that you are 70 years young and knowing you  you will be having a wonderful birthday because you deserve it so much.  I know I do not tell you often enough how much I love you and appreciate everything you have ever done for me and the way you have loved me and all of us throughout the years and you still continue to do so.  You have given us your unconditional love and encouragement and passed things on to us that will continue to be passed on for generations to come. 

Thank you Mom!  I love you (even when you think I don't).  Your love will always stay on my mind and in my heart.  Happy 70th birthday pretty lady!!!

On My Mind...

I have a lot of things on my mind lately and to try and  clear those things out I am going to blog about them!  Here we go...

First things first.  I recently bought a new car over the weekend and when I got home I immediately had buyers remorse-am I the only one who has that?  I am cheap and don't like to spend too much money on myself.  I love shopping at thrift stores and I am very much a bargain shopper.  Even when I bought my car recently I haggled to no end to get them down to the lowest they could go!  Still the thought of the slightly higher car payment and insurance payment creeps up on my thoughts as I try to push it away.  I mean I know it's all fine but buyers remorse is not my friend!

July in my family is a big birthday month.  First we have my mama who lives in Texas on the most american day of the year-4th of July.  She was born on her mom's birthday which is also the 4th of July (in case I wasn't clear).  Everytime I see something patriotic or just anything red, white and blue I always think of my mom and grandma.  Unfortunately we don't get to see Mom very often because of the distance between us and one day I hope we can go visit her in Texas again-it just always seems that schedules, time and money don't always allow.  I miss having my mom within close proximity to all of us.  She knows how to cook really good (for a white girl!)  She makes awesome chicken mole, spaghetti and chicken dumplings.  For 4th of July we used to barbecue and she would make her potato salad and we would do fireworks.  I miss being younger...I miss my mom (love you mom-stop crying!).  I don't really remember my grandmother too much.  I think she passed away when I was about 10.  I remember little things like her dresses she would wear and the tiny white cups with green decoration that she would drink coffee in.  I remember her kitchen-it's weird how you remember the little things like that.  Back when I was unhappily married I would drive to starbucks, get a frappuccino and just spend hours under the tree all by myself that my Grandma Jean and Grandpa Jim are buried under.  I would go there to find solace and peace.  I would talk to them about my unhappiness.  Perhaps they had a part in the peace and love I have found since then.  July 10th is my little girl's birthday-although these days she is not a little girl.  My Adri will be 17-Dang where have the years gone-its amazing how time flies.  I have so many hopes and dreams for this girl.  We may argue and not always see eye to eye but there are times I know she loves me like when we are watching TV or driving somewhere together and she says every few minutes "I love you mom".  It makes my heart swell with happiness.  She is so much like me it isn't even funny.  She is my little mini me and I would do anything I could for her.  I wish her all the love and happiness in the world.  Next up-July 19-My wonderful sister.  To me and my brother my sister is more a like a mom to us.  She is always there to make sure we are ok and has the biggest heart.  All I want for her is to be happy and I think she finally is-love her!  July 27th is my niece Jennifer's birthday.  Jennifer is no longer here with us.  She passed away way too early and we all miss her so much.  She was my sister's world and I know that our Jen-Jen is watching over us from heaven and I will be thinking of her that day.

Aside from birthdays is July 19th.  Now I know that I mentioned it was my sister's birthday on this day but it is also a significant day for me because it is the day my divorce became final last year.  The time has flown by so fast.  It is a significant day for me because in a way it is sort of my independence day-the day I finally became free-the day I got my name back the day I could truly start over again-and I have.  It's funny how this day there is always something going on.  Last year we went to see The Dark Knight Rises and of course it was my sister's birthday.  I remember setting my alarm to midnight last year and when it went off I knew I was divorced-it was a feeling I will never forget.  This year Ant scheduled his driving test to get his license that day-truly a milestone day.

This week I will finally be done with all my doctor appointments.  I scheduled an appointment to get accquainted with my new doctor and from there I had bloodwork appointments, well woman appointments (UGH!) and a few other appointments to check on some things I may share later.  I tend to get worried when I go to doctor appointments and I turn to Miji and tell him of my concerns.  He always knows just what to say and do and calms my worries.  He tells me that we are going to live a long and happy and healthy life together and that everything is going to be ok and I am just fine.  I wonder how I got so lucky to finally have a man in my life who makes me feel so safe and incredibly happy.  It's an amazing feeling.  I love love!!  Which brings me to something else that has been on my mind and I am sure the minds of many others...

I just want to say that I am so happy about the fact that anyone can legally be with who they want to be with.  Man and Woman, Man and Man, Woman and Woman.  Love is love and I am overjoyed that so many people will get to be with whoever they want to be with.  Oh I know there are so many who will disagree but I don't care.  The way I see it, why should it affect anyone who doesn't like it.  It really is none of their business and nobody is asking them to marry someone they don't want to so who cares.  Adri shares my thoughts and posted as much on her facebook page.  Of course she was ridiculed by people who once were her friends.  I know she is my daughter because she stood up to them and said what she believed in.  People tried to say it wasn't right and how she must not believe in God and I really feel sorry for those people.  We do believe in God and I know that God looks at us individually and the people we are and how we treat others.  Anyone who tries to tell us we are not believers of God makes me sad for them, because we are and I know in the end the only one I will have to justify my actions to is God-not anyone else.

Anyways, I think I have ranted on enough.  If I don't blog before Thursday I would like to wish you all a happy 4th of July-Stay safe and sane just like the fireworks...and thanks for listening!

Every Day Is A Mystery

Waking up every day is a mystery.  You never know what the day holds for you.  This especially rang true this weekend when our plans entailed going to look and only look at the new KIA Cadenza.  It's this fancy car that we had been seeing commercials for and it was sleek and black and shiny-perfect.  We really had no intention of buying anything because I have a car payment that is on the brink of being paid off so seriously we were just going in to look!  Once we got there we weren't really impressed by the models they had of that specific car and outside of the commercial, it really was just another car-nothing special.  Adri and I left Miji to deal with the crazy salesman after I told the salesman we didn't like it.  To a man salesman a woman customer saying that is doomsday!  They know it's pretty much a no sale.  Anyways, Adri and I went on to check out the other cars and sit in them and fantacize they were ours.  I must admit she looked really cute in the driver seat of a mini SUV.  It's kind of crazy that my little girl will be driving someday soon-dang-where have all the years gone?

On our way back to the car Adri pleaded not to go home yet and I didn't really want to either.  A co-worker of mine has this really cute car called a Nissan Juke so I convinced Miji I wanted to check them out at the Nissan dealership across the street.  For years my dad was a car salesman and I pretty much know how they work.  The minute we walked on the lot our car salesman, Eddie, approached us.  I told him that I was broke and had no money down, had very bad credit (thanks to the ex) and I had a car payment until October-therefore I was only there to look at the Juke.  That did not matter to Eric he was convinced to get his sale!  We went inside and they ran some numbers-wow-not as bad as I thought-Thanks to my realtor who managed to short sale a house that had not been paid for for over a year!  Time for a test drive.  Up until this point I was convinced it was something that was not in my near future to get a new car.  The test drive was strange but awesome at the same time.  I had this wonderful sense of freedom and safety.  I felt like this was my car without anyone's name attached-without that person threatening that it was his car too-what a great feeling. 

After the test drive was when the real haggling began.  My daddy din't raise no dummy and I knew how to get what I knew I wanted.  I told them the minute I walked on the lot what I wanted and what I could do and eventually it worked out.  It was also a good life lesson for Adri to see that you can't just let someone talk you into something but that you have to fight for what you want and also that things are definately not free!!  I did have some buyer remorse for the rest of the weekend.  I am a bargain shopper and anytime I spend more than $100 on myself I start to freak out.

What I realized with the help of my Miji and my Facebook friends and my family is that I deserve this and that it is ok to have nice things and spend money that I work for.  One of the comments I received when I posted on Facebook was what a difference a year makes.  I sighed and thought how true that statement was.  Last year at this time I was 18 days away from being divorced and just beginning to truly be happy and discover life again after living for close to 20 years in unhappiness. 
I feel really blessed of where I am in my life right now.  I may panic when the electric bill jumps a little or worry about getting by at times but then I realize that in the end I have my family and we are healthy and truly happy for the first time in forever.  Every day truly IS a mystery but I know it is a gift we are all given to make the very best of and that's just what I am going to do.

So Amazing...

My reflection time is when I am driving the 18 minutes it takes me to get to work.  This morning I had a Beyonce/Stevie Wonder song in my head called So Amazing.  I really love this song-it's really beautiful.  I pulled away from my house listening to this song just as Miji was opening the garage to leave for work.  I blew him a kiss and was on my way.  As I listened to the words of this fabulous song I thought about where I am in my life right now and I almost started to cry.  I am finally at peace in my life with an abundance of happiness that I have never felt together all at once.  Miji and I have been together for a year and a half now and everyday gets better than the last.  We made a promise to each other from the very beginning that we would never go to bed mad...and we never have.  I have heard this advice from many people in life but they are really words of wonder.  Miji and I really just get each other.  This man makes me laugh and lets me be myself and loves me unconditionally.  He is the kind of man that every girl wishes for...my Prince Charming.

Last year on Father's Day was the first year in many years that I was not with my kid's father.  I was one month away from officially being divorced.  My Dad passed away in 2005 so my day consisted of wishing my brother and Miji's dad a Happy Father's Day.  The kids were getting to know Miji and adjusting to life without their father being in it much.  Theirs is an uncertain relationship.  They talk on the phone once in a while but there is not much of an effort made to see the kids.  It's sad and frustrating at the same time when I think about it.  I mean I want them to have their dad in their life, but I refuse to force it on them.  The kids and I went through many trying years with their dad.  We went from a world of fighting and yelling almost every day to our now days of simple happiness.  When we first moved out and I would send them to their dad's to stay overnight and I would get called either just a few hours later or early the next day begging me to pick them up because they were fighting or he kicked them out and threatened to call the police on them...like I said it was really hard.  After that became a pattern I told them they didn't have to see their dad unless they wanted to and that Miji and I would do whatever they wanted in regards to giving them rides to whereever to spend time with their dad at their discretion.

I cannot imagine going more than a few days without seeing my kids so it is hard to wonder what is going through his mind.  It is somewhat frustrating because I know he thinks he is a wonderful father-I mean why not, he calls his kids every few days.  In the past year and a half I have never asked him for anything-not a dime and sadly he hasn't ever offered other than paying for half of a high school yearbook and less than ten times for fast food with the kids and maybe something from the mall for our daughter.  In his eyes that makes him Father of the year.  What he does not realize is that Miji and I have been the ones dealing with the every day.  We were the ones comforting Adri when she had a broken heart.  We were the ones teaching Ant to drive and cheering him on when he got his first job.  We were the ones who were the taxi, the ATM, the cooks, the caregivers.  Miji and the kids have grown closer as the days have gone by.  When the kids want or need something or need advice or have a question they usually go to him first.  Though Miji has never had kids of his own he has blossomed into this father figure for my kids that is simply wonderful.  He has a way of taking an incredibly bad situation and making it all ok.  He has been there for us this past year and a half when we needed a shoulder to cry on or a rock to lean on. 

He is the father figure that the kids have always needed in their life but have never had as a whole until now.  With their dad there were pieces of what they needed but never really the whole thing and while that is sad I am happy that Miji is there for them to be what they need as a father figure.  We made a card and got him a T-shirt that says "This is what Awesome looks like!"  When I handed it to him early Sunday morning I could tell he was really happy.  He thanked the kids and I and later told me thank you for giving him his first Father's day.  It truly brought tears to my eyes.

The very next day I got a voice mail from the kid's dad on my work phone telling me that he talked to the kids on father's day but then going on to tell me that I didn't make the kids on my own so I should acknowledge him with a phone call or a card telling him to have a happy father's day.  I was floored.  After giving it some thought I called him up-no answer and left him a voice mail telling him that he is absolutely right, I did not make the kids on my own but I sure am their only parent who is raising them without any offers from him for help.  I also reminded him that we were divorced and I was under no obligation to wish him a happy father's day,  I mean why should I celebrate him only because it was father's day...every day should count with him being a father to the kids!  I never got a call back from him with his response to my message and as the day went on I realized the lyrics to Alicia Key's song "Brand New Me" is my theme song.  If you have never heard it, look it up-great song!  My favorite part of the song is this...

"If I talk a little louder, if I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller, I've been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different, don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free"

(Shoutout to Adri for showing me the song!)  But it's true...I am free.  I am happy. We may not have all the fancy things some people have or all the money in the world but we all have each other.  We learn from each other every day and this is the life I always envisioned for me, for us.   I feel like we have come a really long way from where we were for so many years just a few years ago.  I feel grateful every day and I feel SO AMAZING just like Beyonce and Stevie Wonder sang to me on my way to work this beautiful day.

Get Me Out of Here!

Every morning a happy sounding little bell goes off on my phone at 5:00 am sharp.  I quickly turn it off so I don't wake up Miji and I wrap my arms around him.  I lay there all warm and cozy with the cool breeze from the fan gently blowing us.  By 5:15 I am dreading getting up even more but I make myself do it.  Today was no different except for the fact that I got out of bed at 5 twenty something and I was late.  Adri told me she wanted a smoothie in the morning so I walked to the kitchen and chopped strawberries and bananas so all I would have to do is start the blender when I got out of the shower.  I jumped in the shower, blow dried my hair, threw on my make-up, got dressed, made smoothies and I was pretty much on time. 

One last trip to the restroom-right on schedule.  I reach for the door and turn the knob but the door doesn't open.  I turn the knob a few times, turn the lock a few times-nothing...then panic sets in.  I scream out to Miji who is laying in bed "I am locked in the bathroom, the door won't open!"  By this time I hear Adri on the other side of the door asking Miji what's wrong and he tells her that I can't get out.  Adri is like me and she panics in situations such as these.  I could hear panic in her voice as they worked together to try and jimmy the doorknob.  The first thing that pops in my head is that all I need to do is take off the doorknob.  The conversation between me and them (Miji and Adri) went something like this:

Me: Get me the screwdriver that's by the door
Them: There's no screwdriver right here by the door
Me: Not the bathroom door the bedroom door

They stick the screwdriver under the door and I begin working on taking out the screws to get the doorknob off.  Meanwhile they are turning the doorknob as well.

Me: Stop turning the doorknob, don't touch it-Oh my God I am stuck in the bathroom-I feel like R. Kelly is going to start singing locked in the closet but he would change closet to bathroom
Them: (laughing)

As the screws come out and I think the door is just going to swing open there is a mechanism inside that is just sitting there stuck. At least now I can see them and I start to think that this is where they will squeeze my food through the door in days to come as I sit trapped in my bathroom.

Me: I am stuck in here I can' get out, how am I going to get out?
Them: Baby we're going to get you out (as adri is yelling to just kick the door down)
Me: I can't get out, I can't get out (more panicky)
Them: Stop yelling, we're doing the best we can
Me:  Ok, just hurry up, I am stuck!  Wait-hand me a credit card or something, I saw this on Teen Mom the other day!
Them: Oh yeah, you're right!

They hand me a little credit card and I try to jimmy the lock-still nothing and by this point I am thinking about the bagel that is sitting in the toaster, the fact that Adri is late for school, how I am going to try and explain this to work when I call them to tell them I have taken up permanent residence in my restroom.

Me: Adri's going to be late, get money from my purse for her lunch and take her
Them: I will take her/Mom, it's ok I will just miss 0 period, we can't leave you in there!
Me: Get the hammer and try and bang this piece out

They get the hammer and instead of standing away from the hole, I put my face up close to get door dust in my eye after he hits the metal part with the hammer.

Me: I just got dust in my eye!
Them: Then stand away while I am hammering
Me: Can the hammer fit under the door
Them: No.  Can you get the window open in there
Me:  Um yeah but I will not fit through that tiny thing!  Are you planning to send Adri in to rescue me?  We will both be stuck!
Them: (laughing) No, I was going to hand the hammer to you!
Me: Ugh, just get me the scissors so I can pry this open!

They hand me the scissors and I slowly begin to pry out doorknob piece remnants-slowly but surely-progress-pieces start to fall out...just not the piece stuck in the door!

Them: You have got to be kidding me!
Me: What am I going to do?!  I don't want to be in here!

Finally I have had enough and just start maneuvering the scissors in the piece until a spring pops out with other little screws to follow and then the door pushes open.  I get up and hug Miji and tell him..."I never thought I'd see you again!" as Adri stood there smiling and they both asked if I was ok.

I took the screwdriver took off the final piece to the door and Miji started comtemplating when we would get another doorknob.  I told him I was traumatized and for a few days there would be no doorknob.  We sat there laughing about it for a few minutes before I had to leave for work.  Thank goodness today is my Friday!

No More Mean Girls!

Raise your hand if you agree that junior high was a blah time in your life.  Let's face it, you are coming out of elementary school and having to get used to the fact that you have more than one teacher which the mere thought of made you want to crap your pants the first day you had to try and find all your classes!  Junior high or as they call it now middle school (lame) was rough for most of us.  It is a time we are trying to find ourselves all while trying to stay out of trouble and be liked by your peers.  I was one of those kids who was pretty well known (could have been my name) but not popular.  I thought I was pretty cool and I think my friends did too but then again we were like a nerdy group of kids.  Of course everyone talked to everybody back then but of course there were the kids who we wanted to be like.  I will not name names here but I strived to be like many who are my facebook friends today.  I begged my mom to buy me lace gloves and jellies and those plastic purses with the holes in them so I could fit in but I never go the whole outfit right!

Of course it didn't matter to my friends because to us we were cool and we were friendly and got along with anybody...mostly.  Of course every teenage girl has their own encounter and stories of a real life mean girl or in my case a group of them.  Honestly it wasn't like I was really bullied or anything like that but they had things they would say that just made you feel so low.  These were the girls that knew how to wear makeup, had all the right clothes, their hair was perfect and the guys that you thought were cute were totally into them and girls like me were non-existent. 

By the time you get to high school there are bigger groups of people and more mean girls from different junior highs to deal with all in one school.  I was happy just being me and hanging out with my friends and doing what made me happy but of course the mean girls or the I am better than you girls were always there.  By the time graduation comes around you are so happy to get out of school and you never have to deal with those kinds of girls again.  I am sure that guys also have their share of feeling the same way like the jocks thinking they are better or whatever the case may be.

Then came facebook...  I got so excited when Facebook came around and all my old friends were in one place.  It was like a reunion that you didn't have to get all dressed up for.  Then suddenly, you get friend requests from people who were THOSE people in high school and you accept them because you want to see how great or awful their life turned out to be.  Sometimes it works out to your advantage when they were skinny in high school and the last 20 years it seemed like all they did was eat!  Of course there are the beautiful ones still who have a wonderful life and their darling little kids pictures dressed as Disney princesses are posted everywhere. 

I was guilty of this Facebook routine but then one day I thought that I didn't care about their wonderful life-why should I-they were mean back in the day.  I know, I know there will be some of you out there who say it's all about forgiveness and all and trust me I am not a bad person and don't sit here with a voo-doo doll for every mean person I have ever encountered.  I guess one day I realized that I never had anything in common with these people when I was younger and I was ok with that.  I went through my friends list and "unfriended" a lot of people who it didn't matter one way or another if they were my friends or not.  I must say that since I did that I am happy to see my facebook and learn about what all my friends are up to-the friends who were ok with how I looked when I was in junior high.  Who didn't care that my mom bought my shoes from Payless and my clothes from K-Mart (Yikes!). 

But it never fails...one day you will come face to face with one of those people who made life hell for you or who made you feel like the dirt on the bottom of your kmart ballerina shoes back in the day.  A while back Miji and I were at a softball game and there was a guy there who looked like a douchebag and he said hello to Miji and Miji said hello then turned around and told me how much he hated him.  The guy used to somewhat bully him back in the day and now here he was saying hello-ugh!  I had that happen twice at a family function at my sisters house.  It's like my sister is this magnetic energy that people are drawn to.  She's smart, funny and just so happens to know people who know people I went to school with.  I remember the first time it happened and she said- "Oh I met this person you went to school with and she remembers you."  I swear I wanted to vomit in my mouth.  Ugh!!!  She showed up to a party my sister had and my sister re-introduced us and it was like I didn't belong there.  She still had that effect on me after all these years.  I said hello and went outside, visited with other party people and drank as she was like a princess trying to be the life of the party. 

I found myself finding her on Facebook and checking out all her glamorous pictures of herself-Ugh!  Since then though, I haven't ran into her again, though I am sure my sister may still talk to her or their circle of friends from time to time.  This weekend it happened again-another mean girl at my sister's party.  Mean girl's in-laws are friends with my sister and we had fun the whole afternoon enjoying the hot day as we dangled our feet in the jacuzzi enjoying glasses of wine.  They told me she may drop by later and when she did it was like it was time to go home.  She smiled and told me hello but the mean girl energy was in the air.   I was somewhat happy that she was not that skinny girl she was in school and I was happy that I was littler than her (I know that sounds evil).  We went to one side of the party and she was at the other.  She made it a point to be sweet to everyone that was there-except me.  The funny thing is that I didn't care about trying to be in her circle of friends like I would have back in the day.  I was happy with how things turned out in my life-and I was still wearing my cute payless shoes too (of course different ones)!

Yesterday I found my junior high yearbook and I looked her up.  I rolled my eyes at her picture, laughed at all the pictures of jocks I thought were cute with hearts I drew by their names and put it back in the closet.

The more life changes, the more it stays the same-payless shoes and all and you know what... I am happy with how my life has turned out.  Sometimes it pays to be a nice girl.

My Me-Modification

This past week has been a crazy ending to my extraordinary journey I began in early 2011-earlier than that if you go to where it all began in 1993-but I won't go back that far.  In early 2011 I decided that after years of unhappiness I needed to finally make a change in my life.  Just what was it that I needed a change from...easily answered-my marriage.  Looking back now I wish that I would have listened to my family and friends who always told me how unhappy I looked, but I always denied it.
You always see shows on television about unhappy marriages or relationships and you think Oh my God, that person is so stupid for staying in that unhealthy relationship, but you never realize that sometimes that stupid person is you.  That was me.  It took me close to 20 years to realize it.  When you are with someone and have an unhealthy relationship it's not a good thing but when you have kids, it's worse.
At first you tell yourself that they don't understand that their parents hate each other or that they don't know that yelling isn't normal, but then after a while it all becomes a way of life for everyone, especially the kids.  The more we argued and fought the more I hated life.  You start to not care as much for things that made you happy before.  You develop this attitude of not caring at all.  You go through life doing what you have to do, taking care of the kids and paying the bills and going to work.  I went along for so many years just trying to keep up the facade that everything was ok.  I remember people telling me how unhappy I looked or sounded and actually getting mad at them telling them I was happy.  Looking back now I realize I wasn't really mad at them but just mad at myself because I knew they were right.
As the years went on the fighting continued and the kids grew up, and they began to learn our fighting ways.  It got to the point where it seemed like there was always some equation of two out of four people in our house fighting for some reason or another.  Through all of this though, I thought this was my life and I might as well get used to it.  I had two kids and they had us for parents so I pushed on to make it work.  One of my brightest ideas (and I'm being sarcastic) is that since we were bound together forever, why not buy a house?
Of course this would require him to get a full time job as throughout the years I was the only one who mostly always had a full time job either regular or temporary, so I began my quest to make that happen- a full time job for him.  One of my on line applications I placed for him paid off and he got the job-then we started looking for a house.  It took us a few months to find the one that would meet all our needs, like having two bathrooms, enough bedrooms and close enough to the kid's schools.  When we did find it I had big dreams for the house.  I thought that this would be the house that I would grow old in unhappy or not.  Small renovations we could afford like paint or re-finishing the floor was what I put my heart into and what gave me temporary happiness.  The fighting grew more intense once we moved into the house and I spent most evenings there crying myself to sleep.  I remember going outside each night to make sure things were locked up and I would pray that God would send me someone to love and who would love me the way I longed to be loved.  Someone who wouldn't call me names or fight with me and someone I would be so happy with.
I remember my sister telling me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know in my heart and mind that it was time to leave.  I had this thing called my 4 year plan in my head where I told myself that once my daughter entered in high school I would stay the duration (4 years) and once she was done with school I would leave.  That actually came sooner.  My breaking point came as one day when the police were called to the house because of all the yelling and me and my daughter left for a while and I told her that it was not okay for a man to treat a woman like this and to never think it was ok.  She once told me I was not strong enough to leave and I realized right then that I had to change her perception of me because I was strong.
I got all the forms to file for divorce and I started filling them out.  I moved all of my things out of the master bedroom that he and I shared into an empty room we had in the front of the house and I called it my suite.  I went to counseling alone and started to realize that I was going to be ok.  I started going to church and involved myself by teaching a sunday school class.  I started to see my old self slowly returning and I realized it was time to go my own way.  He knew of my plans but still continued to believe that everything would be ok and that I wouldn't leave.  I filed the divorce paperwork but was afraid to serve him because I didn't know where I would go or when.  He knew I filed for a divorce and he would keep my mail from me from the court and open it up and then put it in my room later telling me the envelope must have got damaged in the mail.
I started looking for apartments and I started getting out and enjoying life without him.  I found an apartment and finally had him served with the paperwork.  I was so scared he would try and make it hard to leave but in the end the kids and I packed up and moved out.  Of course the kids still had stuff at his house and they would spend time with him as well.  I met someone who I believe to this day that is the person I prayed for for so long.  One of the things that kept me in the marriage once we bought the house was that house.  We bought it in 2008 and here it was 4 years later and all I could think of was defaulting on the loan-I knew he couldn't and wouldn't make the payments.  I urged him for some time to sell the house but he was determined to keep it.
He stayed there for about 9 months mortgage payment free as our credit fell before he agreed to sell.  I got help from a friend of mine who is a Realtor and we began the tedious process of trying to get him to leave the house and process all the paperwork to get it done.  I was happy when we actually had a buyer for the house but the hardest part was getting him to move out of the house.  He would always throw in the phrase to the kids "No matter what happens with your mom and I..." I think he thought in the back of his mind I would reverse the divorce which became final in 2012 and go back to him, the house and unhappiness.  Series of unfortunate events also happened with him which made it even harder for him to leave-I never thought the day would come that he would.
Luckily I had a Realtor who was determined to get the house cleared out and she made it all happen.  I got a text message last Friday telling me that I no longer owned the house on B Street.  It was like a weight had been lifted and I finally felt like I could face the future without the past holding me back.  This week he and I and our Realtor came face to face for the last time to cash out the final escrow check.  As I stood there in the parking lot with the man I found that I believe is my soul mate, my Realtor driving away, $50 I made from the sale of my house and the man that made me unhappy for so many years walking in another direction I finally felt like the person I lost so long ago....happy.

Happily Ever After...After All

A few days ago marked the day when me and Miji had our first date a year ago.  We had met on Match.Com and texted and talked on the phone  for a little more than a week before we decided to meet.  We had our first date at Macaroni Grill and it was perfect.  We drew pictures with crayons on the paper tablecloth they give you, we flirted and we shared appetizers.  He even let me double dip on the cheese sauce, I knew he was a keeper right then!  It seemed like we were there for hours but neither of us wanted the date to end.  We walked around Bev-Mo looking at wine and then followed it up for Happy Hour in Highland as we listened to music on the patio of a mexican restaurant. 

There was this ease we had with each other where everything just flowed and it was effortless and so natural.  Now here we are, a year later.  Him and I and the kids live together and that ease and naturalness is still so evident.  Every morning I wake up with him nestled beside me with his arm around my waist.  I am so warm and comfortable that I don't even want to get out of bed most of the time...but when I do, he says " I Love You". 

I remember driving with him to that mexican restaurant on our first date as I was in the passenger seat.  I remember looking over at him and thinking of how awesome he was and how I hoped that passenger seat would become mine as we rode together through life.  And here I am. 

After so many years in a bad and unhappy marriage I have found this person who has kept me grounded when I thought I would fall.  He has given me his shoulder to cry on, his hand to hold and his smile to keep me going.  He is what I needed for so very long.  I remember how every night I would go outside late at night to make sure things were locked up and I would just gaze at the stars and the moon and just pray to God that he would send me someone who loved me the way I always wanted to be loved, someone who would need me the way I wanted to be needed.  There were times I almost gave up and threw in the towel thinking that love is what happened to other people-not me.  Thank God I didn't give up or else I would have never found him.  I tell him he rescued me, he tells me I rescued him right back.

Sometimes Adri will tell us we are so cute together that it makes her jealous and I tell her that she will find love some day, after all it took me and Miji 40 years to find each other!  I remember being younger, a teenager in fact, when I went through my share of heartaches over boys.  My mom would always tell me that one day I was going to find the man of my dreams but I had to sift through some of the bad ones first because that's just life.  She was so right.  I have found the man of my dreams and it's my Miji.  Last night I thought about what my mom told me as Miji and I were consoling Adri about some boy who broke her heart (ugh!).  I told her that same thing that my mother had told me and I know she didn't believe it but I am sure she will one day as she finds the man of her dreams. 

I look back to where I was a year ago and I feel truly blessed.  I overcame a lot of obstacles this past year and alot of guys would not have given of themselves to be there with me and for me the way he has.  I feel like I have a partner in life now, someone who is there for me to help me get through where as before I felt so alone and as if I had a third child.  I remember filing for a divorce and calling my mom and telling her how scared I was of the future, wondering if I could make it on my own.  She told me that one day I would look back and wonder why I didn't do it sooner and she assured me that I was going to be just fine.  Why is it that mothers are always right?  I know my mom is reading this-she is my biggest fan so I have to tell you thank you mom-love you so much. 

So where am I going with today's blog?  Here it is-I just want to tell you all that you are the ones responsible for your own happiness.  If you are in a situation where you aren't at peace or are unhappy-change it.  I am here to tell you that with determination and faith that God will give you all the desires of your heart-don't give up-  Find your Happily ever after...just like I did.