Happy Birthday Mama!

Dear Mom-

Tomorrow while we are all celebrating Independence Day with fabulous food, wonderful company and a dazzling display of fireworks everywhere I will be thinking of you on what will be your 70th birthday.  It is hard to believe that you are 70 when it still feels like only yesterday that you were my age.  I remember when we were younger and you used to get dressed for work.  You were always matching and coordinating your clothes.  I remember thinking how well put together you were even though we sometimes called you Polly Ester since you wore your polyester pants.  Looking back your style was not much different from mine now.  I guess it is true that eventually we all turn into our mothers somehow-I know I have in a few ways.

I have soooo many memories of you and sometimes I just sit and laugh thinking of them.  I remember how you loved to sing and how you and my dad would turn on that crazy stereo system we called Big Bertha and hooked up your microphones and sang along to Patsy Cline and that crazy song that went something like "Your bags are packed and waiting...".  It's funny how I hated your music back then, but now when I hear those familiar melodies in my head they make me smile and I turn them up-now driving my own kids crazy with those songs.  I remember how it would drive us all crazy how you would remind us to do things and turn stuff off-Just ask Miji and the kids how I now am the crazy reminder lady! I am always telling them to turn off this, unplug that or check whatever.  I remember that stupid little bell chime you had on the back of the front door as a little noisemaker when someone came in.  Kenny and I hated that thing because we knew you would be listening to it if we came home late AND on top of that you would sometimes set your alarm to match our curfews to make sure we were home!  Looking back now I think it was a wonderful idea and may start using it too with your grandkids!  I remember how you loved to do crafty things. I think this is where I got my love of crafting because I saw you do it all the time and you enjoyed doing it.  I love to shop at thrift stores and think back to when you co-owned that thrift store and you made me run the cash register since you didn't know how!  Darn I wish you still owned that-what a dream come true!!

At summertime I am reminded of how you used to swim in our pool.  You had your blue high tech heavy duty glass mask that would cover half of your face.  It worked so good at keeping water out that when you would take it off there would be a ring around your face on the area it was placed that would stay for at least an hour!  You would float around the pool with empty chlorine bottles and it was such a funny sight to see.  I can still see you now and it makes me giggle.  I remember how you would let anyone come over in the summertime and use the pool and you were always in the kitchen making food for whoever came over making sure to be a wonderful hostess. 

I remember how you were always considered the cool mom and all our friends told us so, even though we may not have thought it at the time.  We were always there at the house with our friends and you would always make them feel at home just to make us happy.   I remember how when we lived on Encina you made that ham one night and my friend Pam came over and ate most of it in sandwiches-you were so mad but you got over it and weren't too mad at me! I remember your huge camcorder that was as big as a TV studio camera that you always had to catch any candid moment on film.  You made us crazy with all the special effects you would incorporate into any video you made and we hated how you would play the videos over and over again.

I remember how you were very particular about us using things around the house.  For some reason you always thought that if we used the washing machine or dishwasher or whatever we would end up breaking it.  I am laughing right now because I am exactly the same way.  I would rather do everything so I know that I will do it the way I want it done.  I remember how you guys had so many friends from being on the CB Radio or from work and how we were always visiting with people and just always having a good time.  I remember hanging out at the bowling alley on Friday night for four hours while you guys bowled on the league.  I remember Friday night poker games.  There was always something going on for fun.

I remember moving a lot when we were growing up and I remember a lot of the sacrifices that you made for us.  I know that you worked really hard just to give us the basics.  I remember complaining to you of things I wanted sometimes and you would try and get those things for us.  If you couldn't we may have been mad and may have been mean at the time but Mom, I want you to know that I totally understand now.  I know it took a while, but I do.  I am so much like you that it makes me crazy (but in a good way).  I have turned into that mother that reminds the family to do basic things.  I am the mother who cannot sleep at night until the kids are home safe or have called me to let me know where they are.  I am the mother who the kids think does not know anything since they are sure I have never experienced their problems.  I am the mother who wants a clean house, repectful kids and love and happiness...just like you did.

I know I may not always tell you mama but I sincerely love you with all my heart.  I miss you all the time now that you live so far away.  I remember when I was younger and you used to say how you hated Los Angeles traffic and that you would never drive there.  Just to spite you I would always say when I was old enough I was going to move to LA-what a witch I was right?  The kids tell me similar things in their own ways and while it annoys me I don't really take it to heart because I remember the things I used to say to you to press your buttons!  I think about all the advice you have given me over the years and most of it was right on!  I remember calling you the day I turned in divorce paperwork and I remember crying to you that I was scared and what if I couldn't do this and you told me how one day I would look back on that day and laugh and wonder why I did not do it sooner.  You assured me that I was strong enough to get through anything and that I would be so happy and deserved to be so happy-you nailed that one right on as well-I am so happy!!

I am glad that you are happy as well mom.  I know you are married to a man who loves you and takes care of you and keeps a smile on your face and we all deserve that.  It means so much to me that you are finally happy with the person I am with.  I know throughout the years I may have been upset with the opinions you gave me of that person who made me so unhappy but I guess it was just because I knew what you were saying was true and I was just in denial of all of it.  I am so glad that you never gave up on me and reassured me that I do deserve happiness because I know that your encouragement helped me to get where I am now.  I am glad you like Miji and I want to assure you in every way that I am the happiest I have ever been with a significant other.  He is the Prince Charming you used to read to me about when I was little.

So Mom I just want to tell you that while I will miss you on your birthday and spending it with you, please know my thoughts will be of you and knowing in my heart that you are 70 years young and knowing you  you will be having a wonderful birthday because you deserve it so much.  I know I do not tell you often enough how much I love you and appreciate everything you have ever done for me and the way you have loved me and all of us throughout the years and you still continue to do so.  You have given us your unconditional love and encouragement and passed things on to us that will continue to be passed on for generations to come. 

Thank you Mom!  I love you (even when you think I don't).  Your love will always stay on my mind and in my heart.  Happy 70th birthday pretty lady!!!

On My Mind...

I have a lot of things on my mind lately and to try and  clear those things out I am going to blog about them!  Here we go...

First things first.  I recently bought a new car over the weekend and when I got home I immediately had buyers remorse-am I the only one who has that?  I am cheap and don't like to spend too much money on myself.  I love shopping at thrift stores and I am very much a bargain shopper.  Even when I bought my car recently I haggled to no end to get them down to the lowest they could go!  Still the thought of the slightly higher car payment and insurance payment creeps up on my thoughts as I try to push it away.  I mean I know it's all fine but buyers remorse is not my friend!

July in my family is a big birthday month.  First we have my mama who lives in Texas on the most american day of the year-4th of July.  She was born on her mom's birthday which is also the 4th of July (in case I wasn't clear).  Everytime I see something patriotic or just anything red, white and blue I always think of my mom and grandma.  Unfortunately we don't get to see Mom very often because of the distance between us and one day I hope we can go visit her in Texas again-it just always seems that schedules, time and money don't always allow.  I miss having my mom within close proximity to all of us.  She knows how to cook really good (for a white girl!)  She makes awesome chicken mole, spaghetti and chicken dumplings.  For 4th of July we used to barbecue and she would make her potato salad and we would do fireworks.  I miss being younger...I miss my mom (love you mom-stop crying!).  I don't really remember my grandmother too much.  I think she passed away when I was about 10.  I remember little things like her dresses she would wear and the tiny white cups with green decoration that she would drink coffee in.  I remember her kitchen-it's weird how you remember the little things like that.  Back when I was unhappily married I would drive to starbucks, get a frappuccino and just spend hours under the tree all by myself that my Grandma Jean and Grandpa Jim are buried under.  I would go there to find solace and peace.  I would talk to them about my unhappiness.  Perhaps they had a part in the peace and love I have found since then.  July 10th is my little girl's birthday-although these days she is not a little girl.  My Adri will be 17-Dang where have the years gone-its amazing how time flies.  I have so many hopes and dreams for this girl.  We may argue and not always see eye to eye but there are times I know she loves me like when we are watching TV or driving somewhere together and she says every few minutes "I love you mom".  It makes my heart swell with happiness.  She is so much like me it isn't even funny.  She is my little mini me and I would do anything I could for her.  I wish her all the love and happiness in the world.  Next up-July 19-My wonderful sister.  To me and my brother my sister is more a like a mom to us.  She is always there to make sure we are ok and has the biggest heart.  All I want for her is to be happy and I think she finally is-love her!  July 27th is my niece Jennifer's birthday.  Jennifer is no longer here with us.  She passed away way too early and we all miss her so much.  She was my sister's world and I know that our Jen-Jen is watching over us from heaven and I will be thinking of her that day.

Aside from birthdays is July 19th.  Now I know that I mentioned it was my sister's birthday on this day but it is also a significant day for me because it is the day my divorce became final last year.  The time has flown by so fast.  It is a significant day for me because in a way it is sort of my independence day-the day I finally became free-the day I got my name back the day I could truly start over again-and I have.  It's funny how this day there is always something going on.  Last year we went to see The Dark Knight Rises and of course it was my sister's birthday.  I remember setting my alarm to midnight last year and when it went off I knew I was divorced-it was a feeling I will never forget.  This year Ant scheduled his driving test to get his license that day-truly a milestone day.

This week I will finally be done with all my doctor appointments.  I scheduled an appointment to get accquainted with my new doctor and from there I had bloodwork appointments, well woman appointments (UGH!) and a few other appointments to check on some things I may share later.  I tend to get worried when I go to doctor appointments and I turn to Miji and tell him of my concerns.  He always knows just what to say and do and calms my worries.  He tells me that we are going to live a long and happy and healthy life together and that everything is going to be ok and I am just fine.  I wonder how I got so lucky to finally have a man in my life who makes me feel so safe and incredibly happy.  It's an amazing feeling.  I love love!!  Which brings me to something else that has been on my mind and I am sure the minds of many others...

I just want to say that I am so happy about the fact that anyone can legally be with who they want to be with.  Man and Woman, Man and Man, Woman and Woman.  Love is love and I am overjoyed that so many people will get to be with whoever they want to be with.  Oh I know there are so many who will disagree but I don't care.  The way I see it, why should it affect anyone who doesn't like it.  It really is none of their business and nobody is asking them to marry someone they don't want to so who cares.  Adri shares my thoughts and posted as much on her facebook page.  Of course she was ridiculed by people who once were her friends.  I know she is my daughter because she stood up to them and said what she believed in.  People tried to say it wasn't right and how she must not believe in God and I really feel sorry for those people.  We do believe in God and I know that God looks at us individually and the people we are and how we treat others.  Anyone who tries to tell us we are not believers of God makes me sad for them, because we are and I know in the end the only one I will have to justify my actions to is God-not anyone else.

Anyways, I think I have ranted on enough.  If I don't blog before Thursday I would like to wish you all a happy 4th of July-Stay safe and sane just like the fireworks...and thanks for listening!

Every Day Is A Mystery

Waking up every day is a mystery.  You never know what the day holds for you.  This especially rang true this weekend when our plans entailed going to look and only look at the new KIA Cadenza.  It's this fancy car that we had been seeing commercials for and it was sleek and black and shiny-perfect.  We really had no intention of buying anything because I have a car payment that is on the brink of being paid off so seriously we were just going in to look!  Once we got there we weren't really impressed by the models they had of that specific car and outside of the commercial, it really was just another car-nothing special.  Adri and I left Miji to deal with the crazy salesman after I told the salesman we didn't like it.  To a man salesman a woman customer saying that is doomsday!  They know it's pretty much a no sale.  Anyways, Adri and I went on to check out the other cars and sit in them and fantacize they were ours.  I must admit she looked really cute in the driver seat of a mini SUV.  It's kind of crazy that my little girl will be driving someday soon-dang-where have all the years gone?

On our way back to the car Adri pleaded not to go home yet and I didn't really want to either.  A co-worker of mine has this really cute car called a Nissan Juke so I convinced Miji I wanted to check them out at the Nissan dealership across the street.  For years my dad was a car salesman and I pretty much know how they work.  The minute we walked on the lot our car salesman, Eddie, approached us.  I told him that I was broke and had no money down, had very bad credit (thanks to the ex) and I had a car payment until October-therefore I was only there to look at the Juke.  That did not matter to Eric he was convinced to get his sale!  We went inside and they ran some numbers-wow-not as bad as I thought-Thanks to my realtor who managed to short sale a house that had not been paid for for over a year!  Time for a test drive.  Up until this point I was convinced it was something that was not in my near future to get a new car.  The test drive was strange but awesome at the same time.  I had this wonderful sense of freedom and safety.  I felt like this was my car without anyone's name attached-without that person threatening that it was his car too-what a great feeling. 

After the test drive was when the real haggling began.  My daddy din't raise no dummy and I knew how to get what I knew I wanted.  I told them the minute I walked on the lot what I wanted and what I could do and eventually it worked out.  It was also a good life lesson for Adri to see that you can't just let someone talk you into something but that you have to fight for what you want and also that things are definately not free!!  I did have some buyer remorse for the rest of the weekend.  I am a bargain shopper and anytime I spend more than $100 on myself I start to freak out.

What I realized with the help of my Miji and my Facebook friends and my family is that I deserve this and that it is ok to have nice things and spend money that I work for.  One of the comments I received when I posted on Facebook was what a difference a year makes.  I sighed and thought how true that statement was.  Last year at this time I was 18 days away from being divorced and just beginning to truly be happy and discover life again after living for close to 20 years in unhappiness. 
I feel really blessed of where I am in my life right now.  I may panic when the electric bill jumps a little or worry about getting by at times but then I realize that in the end I have my family and we are healthy and truly happy for the first time in forever.  Every day truly IS a mystery but I know it is a gift we are all given to make the very best of and that's just what I am going to do.