Always In My Heart Forever

I was asked yesterday by a friend of mine what happened to my blog. The truth is I have been so busy with everything going on in my life that I kind of put it to the side, which I hate because I promised myself that I would start writing more so I am making a vow or trying to at least to remember to write my blog at least once per week. Hopefully it will be like a tv show that you wind up looking forward to on a certain day. I knew instantly what I wanted today's blog to be about. It is something I gave a speech on at one of my recent Toastmasters meetings. In case some of you are are wondering what Toastmasters is, it is a speech club where you have to give speeches and hear speeches and help each other be better public speakers. I joined the club because I was told to for work but I have really come to enjoy it. Anyways, the title of that speech was "Always In My Heart". As many of you know, I am getting married in July of next year and with each new day I am looking forward to that special day. I am sure you all know that I was married before and had two weddings with that person. As I write this I think of little details that were staring me in the face back then but that I clearly did not see. The first wedding was at the Hall of records in San Bernardino. I wore a white suit and there were some friends and family there. My dad was keeping Anthony busy (yes we already had Anthony before we were married) instead of walking me down the tiny little aisle and I thought it was no big deal-I mean we were at the Hall of Records. We went out to lunch after that and the following week we had a reception at a hall-nothing fancy. Things I remember from that reception...His family came together and left together and didn't stay the whole time. When I couldn't find him I went looking and found him in a small room with some strange wedding guest (a girl) whom I didn't know standing very close and fixing his tie-Boy, was I naive. The second wedding was ten years later in a church I wore a red evening gown type of dress and again we had the reception in a hall. It ended up being a big mess that I choose to block out. It was not really organized, family members had disagreements, ugh. Also, this time...my Dad was already gone. He had passed away a few months before the wedding and it was hard to think that one of the most special times for a daughter and her Daddy walking down the aisle was something that I would never get to experience-ever. As you all know from knowing me I ended up getting a divorce and have now been divorced for over a year. It's funny how things happen in life the way you never imagined they would. I remember fighting with the Ex and telling him I would never get married again because I never wanted to go through the hell of it again. I guess what I did not realize at the time was that marriage is not supposed to be what I had experienced with him for so long. Miji came along and showed me everything I was supposed to experience when you're truly in love and it has been an experience I can honestly say I have never felt before. He has made me believe in love again, something I gave up on years before with the Ex. We talked about marriage on and off and he told me that he was going to marry me one day. He proposed to me on August 18th and it was something I had never experienced before. Every little girl dreams about that special someone proposing down on one knee confessing his love and I had never had that. The first time around I told him we should get married since we already had Ant-he said ok-no proposal. Miji and I were alone on a Sunday afternoon and he told me he was going to the kitchen to get some water and he came back with a ring box in his hand and got down on one knee and told me how much he loved me and all I meant to him and all the reasons he wanted to marry me. We both cried and I was so happy-we both were. We called up our families and told them the news, We celebrated with his family as it was also his Aunt's birthday. When we got there they had champagne waiting for us and the wedding planning commenced. Adri thought that I should tell her dad so she didnt let it slip while visiting him so I thought I would tell him as a courtesy. He reminded me that I had said that I was never going to get married again during one of our fights and I told him it was because of the way he made me feel about marriage-it was very freeing to say that to him. He has since congratulated me and Miji-not that it ever mattered. The wedding planning process has been something that I never really experienced before. This time around I have a fiance who has a loving and caring family and who are so involved and actually want to be involved. This time around I had that wonderful proposal that I had always dreamed about. This time around I have that beautiful white wedding dress that makes my eyes light up every time I look at it. This time around I have everything I ever dreamed a wedding should be like...except for one thing...I don't have my Daddy. I have been thinking about my Dad a lot since the wedding planning process began. I always think of how happy he would be for me and Miji. Miji sometimes asks me if I think that my Dad would like him and I respond...he would have loved you, and that's so true. My Dad always only wanted the best for me and I know that he is watching all this from Heaven finally satisfied that I am in the place in my life right now where I always should have been. I used to pray all the time that I would be given someone who would love me and care for me and protect me, and I so have that now-it's truly amazing and I am just in awe each time I think of it. I think about all the little coincidences in my life that connected Miji and I and it makes me believe even more how we were meant to be. I regret the fact that I never had my Dad walk me down the aisle, but I guess I just thought that he would always be here. As it turns out, the money that I spent on the dress I love so much was bought with some money that belonged to my Dad. I have asked my Uncle to walk me down the aisle because he was my Dad's brother and I will feel like it's my Dad guiding me to the man of my dreams who is waiting for me at the end. In a sense, my Dad will be with me as I walk down the aisle as I will feel it when I put on my dress like he is in my soul-I feel him with me right now as I write this. You always see those movies where the loved one has passed and their spirits are right there with their loved ones-that's how I feel a lot of the time when I am alone or feeling happy or passing my Dad's picture in the hallway. When I was little I used to tell my Dad that I never wanted him to die and he would tell me that everybody has to die but that no matter what he would always live on in my heart. I couldn't understand just what he meant back then but I do now and he was right. Sometimes when I am missing my Dad I reach up and feel my heartbeat and feel a sense of security knowing that my Dad is always there...Miss you Dad.