Raise your hand if you agree that junior high was a blah time in your life. Let's face it, you are coming out of elementary school and having to get used to the fact that you have more than one teacher which the mere thought of made you want to crap your pants the first day you had to try and find all your classes! Junior high or as they call it now middle school (lame) was rough for most of us. It is a time we are trying to find ourselves all while trying to stay out of trouble and be liked by your peers. I was one of those kids who was pretty well known (could have been my name) but not popular. I thought I was pretty cool and I think my friends did too but then again we were like a nerdy group of kids. Of course everyone talked to everybody back then but of course there were the kids who we wanted to be like. I will not name names here but I strived to be like many who are my facebook friends today. I begged my mom to buy me lace gloves and jellies and those plastic purses with the holes in them so I could fit in but I never go the whole outfit right!
Of course it didn't matter to my friends because to us we were cool and we were friendly and got along with anybody...mostly. Of course every teenage girl has their own encounter and stories of a real life mean girl or in my case a group of them. Honestly it wasn't like I was really bullied or anything like that but they had things they would say that just made you feel so low. These were the girls that knew how to wear makeup, had all the right clothes, their hair was perfect and the guys that you thought were cute were totally into them and girls like me were non-existent.
By the time you get to high school there are bigger groups of people and more mean girls from different junior highs to deal with all in one school. I was happy just being me and hanging out with my friends and doing what made me happy but of course the mean girls or the I am better than you girls were always there. By the time graduation comes around you are so happy to get out of school and you never have to deal with those kinds of girls again. I am sure that guys also have their share of feeling the same way like the jocks thinking they are better or whatever the case may be.
Then came facebook... I got so excited when Facebook came around and all my old friends were in one place. It was like a reunion that you didn't have to get all dressed up for. Then suddenly, you get friend requests from people who were THOSE people in high school and you accept them because you want to see how great or awful their life turned out to be. Sometimes it works out to your advantage when they were skinny in high school and the last 20 years it seemed like all they did was eat! Of course there are the beautiful ones still who have a wonderful life and their darling little kids pictures dressed as Disney princesses are posted everywhere.
I was guilty of this Facebook routine but then one day I thought that I didn't care about their wonderful life-why should I-they were mean back in the day. I know, I know there will be some of you out there who say it's all about forgiveness and all and trust me I am not a bad person and don't sit here with a voo-doo doll for every mean person I have ever encountered. I guess one day I realized that I never had anything in common with these people when I was younger and I was ok with that. I went through my friends list and "unfriended" a lot of people who it didn't matter one way or another if they were my friends or not. I must say that since I did that I am happy to see my facebook and learn about what all my friends are up to-the friends who were ok with how I looked when I was in junior high. Who didn't care that my mom bought my shoes from Payless and my clothes from K-Mart (Yikes!).
But it never fails...one day you will come face to face with one of those people who made life hell for you or who made you feel like the dirt on the bottom of your kmart ballerina shoes back in the day. A while back Miji and I were at a softball game and there was a guy there who looked like a douchebag and he said hello to Miji and Miji said hello then turned around and told me how much he hated him. The guy used to somewhat bully him back in the day and now here he was saying hello-ugh! I had that happen twice at a family function at my sisters house. It's like my sister is this magnetic energy that people are drawn to. She's smart, funny and just so happens to know people who know people I went to school with. I remember the first time it happened and she said- "Oh I met this person you went to school with and she remembers you." I swear I wanted to vomit in my mouth. Ugh!!! She showed up to a party my sister had and my sister re-introduced us and it was like I didn't belong there. She still had that effect on me after all these years. I said hello and went outside, visited with other party people and drank as she was like a princess trying to be the life of the party.
I found myself finding her on Facebook and checking out all her glamorous pictures of herself-Ugh! Since then though, I haven't ran into her again, though I am sure my sister may still talk to her or their circle of friends from time to time. This weekend it happened again-another mean girl at my sister's party. Mean girl's in-laws are friends with my sister and we had fun the whole afternoon enjoying the hot day as we dangled our feet in the jacuzzi enjoying glasses of wine. They told me she may drop by later and when she did it was like it was time to go home. She smiled and told me hello but the mean girl energy was in the air. I was somewhat happy that she was not that skinny girl she was in school and I was happy that I was littler than her (I know that sounds evil). We went to one side of the party and she was at the other. She made it a point to be sweet to everyone that was there-except me. The funny thing is that I didn't care about trying to be in her circle of friends like I would have back in the day. I was happy with how things turned out in my life-and I was still wearing my cute payless shoes too (of course different ones)!
Yesterday I found my junior high yearbook and I looked her up. I rolled my eyes at her picture, laughed at all the pictures of jocks I thought were cute with hearts I drew by their names and put it back in the closet.
The more life changes, the more it stays the same-payless shoes and all and you know what... I am happy with how my life has turned out. Sometimes it pays to be a nice girl.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Friday, April 26, 2013
My Me-Modification
This past week has been a crazy ending to my extraordinary journey I began in early 2011-earlier than that if you go to where it all began in 1993-but I won't go back that far. In early 2011 I decided that after years of unhappiness I needed to finally make a change in my life. Just what was it that I needed a change from...easily answered-my marriage. Looking back now I wish that I would have listened to my family and friends who always told me how unhappy I looked, but I always denied it.
You always see shows on television about unhappy marriages or relationships and you think Oh my God, that person is so stupid for staying in that unhealthy relationship, but you never realize that sometimes that stupid person is you. That was me. It took me close to 20 years to realize it. When you are with someone and have an unhealthy relationship it's not a good thing but when you have kids, it's worse.
At first you tell yourself that they don't understand that their parents hate each other or that they don't know that yelling isn't normal, but then after a while it all becomes a way of life for everyone, especially the kids. The more we argued and fought the more I hated life. You start to not care as much for things that made you happy before. You develop this attitude of not caring at all. You go through life doing what you have to do, taking care of the kids and paying the bills and going to work. I went along for so many years just trying to keep up the facade that everything was ok. I remember people telling me how unhappy I looked or sounded and actually getting mad at them telling them I was happy. Looking back now I realize I wasn't really mad at them but just mad at myself because I knew they were right.
As the years went on the fighting continued and the kids grew up, and they began to learn our fighting ways. It got to the point where it seemed like there was always some equation of two out of four people in our house fighting for some reason or another. Through all of this though, I thought this was my life and I might as well get used to it. I had two kids and they had us for parents so I pushed on to make it work. One of my brightest ideas (and I'm being sarcastic) is that since we were bound together forever, why not buy a house?
Of course this would require him to get a full time job as throughout the years I was the only one who mostly always had a full time job either regular or temporary, so I began my quest to make that happen- a full time job for him. One of my on line applications I placed for him paid off and he got the job-then we started looking for a house. It took us a few months to find the one that would meet all our needs, like having two bathrooms, enough bedrooms and close enough to the kid's schools. When we did find it I had big dreams for the house. I thought that this would be the house that I would grow old in unhappy or not. Small renovations we could afford like paint or re-finishing the floor was what I put my heart into and what gave me temporary happiness. The fighting grew more intense once we moved into the house and I spent most evenings there crying myself to sleep. I remember going outside each night to make sure things were locked up and I would pray that God would send me someone to love and who would love me the way I longed to be loved. Someone who wouldn't call me names or fight with me and someone I would be so happy with.
I remember my sister telling me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know in my heart and mind that it was time to leave. I had this thing called my 4 year plan in my head where I told myself that once my daughter entered in high school I would stay the duration (4 years) and once she was done with school I would leave. That actually came sooner. My breaking point came as one day when the police were called to the house because of all the yelling and me and my daughter left for a while and I told her that it was not okay for a man to treat a woman like this and to never think it was ok. She once told me I was not strong enough to leave and I realized right then that I had to change her perception of me because I was strong.
I got all the forms to file for divorce and I started filling them out. I moved all of my things out of the master bedroom that he and I shared into an empty room we had in the front of the house and I called it my suite. I went to counseling alone and started to realize that I was going to be ok. I started going to church and involved myself by teaching a sunday school class. I started to see my old self slowly returning and I realized it was time to go my own way. He knew of my plans but still continued to believe that everything would be ok and that I wouldn't leave. I filed the divorce paperwork but was afraid to serve him because I didn't know where I would go or when. He knew I filed for a divorce and he would keep my mail from me from the court and open it up and then put it in my room later telling me the envelope must have got damaged in the mail.
I started looking for apartments and I started getting out and enjoying life without him. I found an apartment and finally had him served with the paperwork. I was so scared he would try and make it hard to leave but in the end the kids and I packed up and moved out. Of course the kids still had stuff at his house and they would spend time with him as well. I met someone who I believe to this day that is the person I prayed for for so long. One of the things that kept me in the marriage once we bought the house was that house. We bought it in 2008 and here it was 4 years later and all I could think of was defaulting on the loan-I knew he couldn't and wouldn't make the payments. I urged him for some time to sell the house but he was determined to keep it.
He stayed there for about 9 months mortgage payment free as our credit fell before he agreed to sell. I got help from a friend of mine who is a Realtor and we began the tedious process of trying to get him to leave the house and process all the paperwork to get it done. I was happy when we actually had a buyer for the house but the hardest part was getting him to move out of the house. He would always throw in the phrase to the kids "No matter what happens with your mom and I..." I think he thought in the back of his mind I would reverse the divorce which became final in 2012 and go back to him, the house and unhappiness. Series of unfortunate events also happened with him which made it even harder for him to leave-I never thought the day would come that he would.
Luckily I had a Realtor who was determined to get the house cleared out and she made it all happen. I got a text message last Friday telling me that I no longer owned the house on B Street. It was like a weight had been lifted and I finally felt like I could face the future without the past holding me back. This week he and I and our Realtor came face to face for the last time to cash out the final escrow check. As I stood there in the parking lot with the man I found that I believe is my soul mate, my Realtor driving away, $50 I made from the sale of my house and the man that made me unhappy for so many years walking in another direction I finally felt like the person I lost so long ago....happy.
You always see shows on television about unhappy marriages or relationships and you think Oh my God, that person is so stupid for staying in that unhealthy relationship, but you never realize that sometimes that stupid person is you. That was me. It took me close to 20 years to realize it. When you are with someone and have an unhealthy relationship it's not a good thing but when you have kids, it's worse.
At first you tell yourself that they don't understand that their parents hate each other or that they don't know that yelling isn't normal, but then after a while it all becomes a way of life for everyone, especially the kids. The more we argued and fought the more I hated life. You start to not care as much for things that made you happy before. You develop this attitude of not caring at all. You go through life doing what you have to do, taking care of the kids and paying the bills and going to work. I went along for so many years just trying to keep up the facade that everything was ok. I remember people telling me how unhappy I looked or sounded and actually getting mad at them telling them I was happy. Looking back now I realize I wasn't really mad at them but just mad at myself because I knew they were right.
As the years went on the fighting continued and the kids grew up, and they began to learn our fighting ways. It got to the point where it seemed like there was always some equation of two out of four people in our house fighting for some reason or another. Through all of this though, I thought this was my life and I might as well get used to it. I had two kids and they had us for parents so I pushed on to make it work. One of my brightest ideas (and I'm being sarcastic) is that since we were bound together forever, why not buy a house?
Of course this would require him to get a full time job as throughout the years I was the only one who mostly always had a full time job either regular or temporary, so I began my quest to make that happen- a full time job for him. One of my on line applications I placed for him paid off and he got the job-then we started looking for a house. It took us a few months to find the one that would meet all our needs, like having two bathrooms, enough bedrooms and close enough to the kid's schools. When we did find it I had big dreams for the house. I thought that this would be the house that I would grow old in unhappy or not. Small renovations we could afford like paint or re-finishing the floor was what I put my heart into and what gave me temporary happiness. The fighting grew more intense once we moved into the house and I spent most evenings there crying myself to sleep. I remember going outside each night to make sure things were locked up and I would pray that God would send me someone to love and who would love me the way I longed to be loved. Someone who wouldn't call me names or fight with me and someone I would be so happy with.
I remember my sister telling me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know in my heart and mind that it was time to leave. I had this thing called my 4 year plan in my head where I told myself that once my daughter entered in high school I would stay the duration (4 years) and once she was done with school I would leave. That actually came sooner. My breaking point came as one day when the police were called to the house because of all the yelling and me and my daughter left for a while and I told her that it was not okay for a man to treat a woman like this and to never think it was ok. She once told me I was not strong enough to leave and I realized right then that I had to change her perception of me because I was strong.
I got all the forms to file for divorce and I started filling them out. I moved all of my things out of the master bedroom that he and I shared into an empty room we had in the front of the house and I called it my suite. I went to counseling alone and started to realize that I was going to be ok. I started going to church and involved myself by teaching a sunday school class. I started to see my old self slowly returning and I realized it was time to go my own way. He knew of my plans but still continued to believe that everything would be ok and that I wouldn't leave. I filed the divorce paperwork but was afraid to serve him because I didn't know where I would go or when. He knew I filed for a divorce and he would keep my mail from me from the court and open it up and then put it in my room later telling me the envelope must have got damaged in the mail.
I started looking for apartments and I started getting out and enjoying life without him. I found an apartment and finally had him served with the paperwork. I was so scared he would try and make it hard to leave but in the end the kids and I packed up and moved out. Of course the kids still had stuff at his house and they would spend time with him as well. I met someone who I believe to this day that is the person I prayed for for so long. One of the things that kept me in the marriage once we bought the house was that house. We bought it in 2008 and here it was 4 years later and all I could think of was defaulting on the loan-I knew he couldn't and wouldn't make the payments. I urged him for some time to sell the house but he was determined to keep it.
He stayed there for about 9 months mortgage payment free as our credit fell before he agreed to sell. I got help from a friend of mine who is a Realtor and we began the tedious process of trying to get him to leave the house and process all the paperwork to get it done. I was happy when we actually had a buyer for the house but the hardest part was getting him to move out of the house. He would always throw in the phrase to the kids "No matter what happens with your mom and I..." I think he thought in the back of his mind I would reverse the divorce which became final in 2012 and go back to him, the house and unhappiness. Series of unfortunate events also happened with him which made it even harder for him to leave-I never thought the day would come that he would.
Luckily I had a Realtor who was determined to get the house cleared out and she made it all happen. I got a text message last Friday telling me that I no longer owned the house on B Street. It was like a weight had been lifted and I finally felt like I could face the future without the past holding me back. This week he and I and our Realtor came face to face for the last time to cash out the final escrow check. As I stood there in the parking lot with the man I found that I believe is my soul mate, my Realtor driving away, $50 I made from the sale of my house and the man that made me unhappy for so many years walking in another direction I finally felt like the person I lost so long ago....happy.
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