This past week has been a crazy ending to my extraordinary journey I began in early 2011-earlier than that if you go to where it all began in 1993-but I won't go back that far. In early 2011 I decided that after years of unhappiness I needed to finally make a change in my life. Just what was it that I needed a change from...easily answered-my marriage. Looking back now I wish that I would have listened to my family and friends who always told me how unhappy I looked, but I always denied it.
You always see shows on television about unhappy marriages or relationships and you think Oh my God, that person is so stupid for staying in that unhealthy relationship, but you never realize that sometimes that stupid person is you. That was me. It took me close to 20 years to realize it. When you are with someone and have an unhealthy relationship it's not a good thing but when you have kids, it's worse.
At first you tell yourself that they don't understand that their parents hate each other or that they don't know that yelling isn't normal, but then after a while it all becomes a way of life for everyone, especially the kids. The more we argued and fought the more I hated life. You start to not care as much for things that made you happy before. You develop this attitude of not caring at all. You go through life doing what you have to do, taking care of the kids and paying the bills and going to work. I went along for so many years just trying to keep up the facade that everything was ok. I remember people telling me how unhappy I looked or sounded and actually getting mad at them telling them I was happy. Looking back now I realize I wasn't really mad at them but just mad at myself because I knew they were right.
As the years went on the fighting continued and the kids grew up, and they began to learn our fighting ways. It got to the point where it seemed like there was always some equation of two out of four people in our house fighting for some reason or another. Through all of this though, I thought this was my life and I might as well get used to it. I had two kids and they had us for parents so I pushed on to make it work. One of my brightest ideas (and I'm being sarcastic) is that since we were bound together forever, why not buy a house?
Of course this would require him to get a full time job as throughout the years I was the only one who mostly always had a full time job either regular or temporary, so I began my quest to make that happen- a full time job for him. One of my on line applications I placed for him paid off and he got the job-then we started looking for a house. It took us a few months to find the one that would meet all our needs, like having two bathrooms, enough bedrooms and close enough to the kid's schools. When we did find it I had big dreams for the house. I thought that this would be the house that I would grow old in unhappy or not. Small renovations we could afford like paint or re-finishing the floor was what I put my heart into and what gave me temporary happiness. The fighting grew more intense once we moved into the house and I spent most evenings there crying myself to sleep. I remember going outside each night to make sure things were locked up and I would pray that God would send me someone to love and who would love me the way I longed to be loved. Someone who wouldn't call me names or fight with me and someone I would be so happy with.
I remember my sister telling me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know in my heart and mind that it was time to leave. I had this thing called my 4 year plan in my head where I told myself that once my daughter entered in high school I would stay the duration (4 years) and once she was done with school I would leave. That actually came sooner. My breaking point came as one day when the police were called to the house because of all the yelling and me and my daughter left for a while and I told her that it was not okay for a man to treat a woman like this and to never think it was ok. She once told me I was not strong enough to leave and I realized right then that I had to change her perception of me because I was strong.
I got all the forms to file for divorce and I started filling them out. I moved all of my things out of the master bedroom that he and I shared into an empty room we had in the front of the house and I called it my suite. I went to counseling alone and started to realize that I was going to be ok. I started going to church and involved myself by teaching a sunday school class. I started to see my old self slowly returning and I realized it was time to go my own way. He knew of my plans but still continued to believe that everything would be ok and that I wouldn't leave. I filed the divorce paperwork but was afraid to serve him because I didn't know where I would go or when. He knew I filed for a divorce and he would keep my mail from me from the court and open it up and then put it in my room later telling me the envelope must have got damaged in the mail.
I started looking for apartments and I started getting out and enjoying life without him. I found an apartment and finally had him served with the paperwork. I was so scared he would try and make it hard to leave but in the end the kids and I packed up and moved out. Of course the kids still had stuff at his house and they would spend time with him as well. I met someone who I believe to this day that is the person I prayed for for so long. One of the things that kept me in the marriage once we bought the house was that house. We bought it in 2008 and here it was 4 years later and all I could think of was defaulting on the loan-I knew he couldn't and wouldn't make the payments. I urged him for some time to sell the house but he was determined to keep it.
He stayed there for about 9 months mortgage payment free as our credit fell before he agreed to sell. I got help from a friend of mine who is a Realtor and we began the tedious process of trying to get him to leave the house and process all the paperwork to get it done. I was happy when we actually had a buyer for the house but the hardest part was getting him to move out of the house. He would always throw in the phrase to the kids "No matter what happens with your mom and I..." I think he thought in the back of his mind I would reverse the divorce which became final in 2012 and go back to him, the house and unhappiness. Series of unfortunate events also happened with him which made it even harder for him to leave-I never thought the day would come that he would.
Luckily I had a Realtor who was determined to get the house cleared out and she made it all happen. I got a text message last Friday telling me that I no longer owned the house on B Street. It was like a weight had been lifted and I finally felt like I could face the future without the past holding me back. This week he and I and our Realtor came face to face for the last time to cash out the final escrow check. As I stood there in the parking lot with the man I found that I believe is my soul mate, my Realtor driving away, $50 I made from the sale of my house and the man that made me unhappy for so many years walking in another direction I finally felt like the person I lost so long ago....happy.
You always see shows on television about unhappy marriages or relationships and you think Oh my God, that person is so stupid for staying in that unhealthy relationship, but you never realize that sometimes that stupid person is you. That was me. It took me close to 20 years to realize it. When you are with someone and have an unhealthy relationship it's not a good thing but when you have kids, it's worse.
At first you tell yourself that they don't understand that their parents hate each other or that they don't know that yelling isn't normal, but then after a while it all becomes a way of life for everyone, especially the kids. The more we argued and fought the more I hated life. You start to not care as much for things that made you happy before. You develop this attitude of not caring at all. You go through life doing what you have to do, taking care of the kids and paying the bills and going to work. I went along for so many years just trying to keep up the facade that everything was ok. I remember people telling me how unhappy I looked or sounded and actually getting mad at them telling them I was happy. Looking back now I realize I wasn't really mad at them but just mad at myself because I knew they were right.
As the years went on the fighting continued and the kids grew up, and they began to learn our fighting ways. It got to the point where it seemed like there was always some equation of two out of four people in our house fighting for some reason or another. Through all of this though, I thought this was my life and I might as well get used to it. I had two kids and they had us for parents so I pushed on to make it work. One of my brightest ideas (and I'm being sarcastic) is that since we were bound together forever, why not buy a house?
Of course this would require him to get a full time job as throughout the years I was the only one who mostly always had a full time job either regular or temporary, so I began my quest to make that happen- a full time job for him. One of my on line applications I placed for him paid off and he got the job-then we started looking for a house. It took us a few months to find the one that would meet all our needs, like having two bathrooms, enough bedrooms and close enough to the kid's schools. When we did find it I had big dreams for the house. I thought that this would be the house that I would grow old in unhappy or not. Small renovations we could afford like paint or re-finishing the floor was what I put my heart into and what gave me temporary happiness. The fighting grew more intense once we moved into the house and I spent most evenings there crying myself to sleep. I remember going outside each night to make sure things were locked up and I would pray that God would send me someone to love and who would love me the way I longed to be loved. Someone who wouldn't call me names or fight with me and someone I would be so happy with.
I remember my sister telling me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know in my heart and mind that it was time to leave. I had this thing called my 4 year plan in my head where I told myself that once my daughter entered in high school I would stay the duration (4 years) and once she was done with school I would leave. That actually came sooner. My breaking point came as one day when the police were called to the house because of all the yelling and me and my daughter left for a while and I told her that it was not okay for a man to treat a woman like this and to never think it was ok. She once told me I was not strong enough to leave and I realized right then that I had to change her perception of me because I was strong.
I got all the forms to file for divorce and I started filling them out. I moved all of my things out of the master bedroom that he and I shared into an empty room we had in the front of the house and I called it my suite. I went to counseling alone and started to realize that I was going to be ok. I started going to church and involved myself by teaching a sunday school class. I started to see my old self slowly returning and I realized it was time to go my own way. He knew of my plans but still continued to believe that everything would be ok and that I wouldn't leave. I filed the divorce paperwork but was afraid to serve him because I didn't know where I would go or when. He knew I filed for a divorce and he would keep my mail from me from the court and open it up and then put it in my room later telling me the envelope must have got damaged in the mail.
I started looking for apartments and I started getting out and enjoying life without him. I found an apartment and finally had him served with the paperwork. I was so scared he would try and make it hard to leave but in the end the kids and I packed up and moved out. Of course the kids still had stuff at his house and they would spend time with him as well. I met someone who I believe to this day that is the person I prayed for for so long. One of the things that kept me in the marriage once we bought the house was that house. We bought it in 2008 and here it was 4 years later and all I could think of was defaulting on the loan-I knew he couldn't and wouldn't make the payments. I urged him for some time to sell the house but he was determined to keep it.
He stayed there for about 9 months mortgage payment free as our credit fell before he agreed to sell. I got help from a friend of mine who is a Realtor and we began the tedious process of trying to get him to leave the house and process all the paperwork to get it done. I was happy when we actually had a buyer for the house but the hardest part was getting him to move out of the house. He would always throw in the phrase to the kids "No matter what happens with your mom and I..." I think he thought in the back of his mind I would reverse the divorce which became final in 2012 and go back to him, the house and unhappiness. Series of unfortunate events also happened with him which made it even harder for him to leave-I never thought the day would come that he would.
Luckily I had a Realtor who was determined to get the house cleared out and she made it all happen. I got a text message last Friday telling me that I no longer owned the house on B Street. It was like a weight had been lifted and I finally felt like I could face the future without the past holding me back. This week he and I and our Realtor came face to face for the last time to cash out the final escrow check. As I stood there in the parking lot with the man I found that I believe is my soul mate, my Realtor driving away, $50 I made from the sale of my house and the man that made me unhappy for so many years walking in another direction I finally felt like the person I lost so long ago....happy.
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