Reflections of 2013...

Reflections of 2013... A lot of 2012 was spent trying to get all my divorce paperwork correct and finalized and the first half of this year, 2013, was spent cleaning up the remnants of that. The really big thing that I was worried about for so long was the house that we owned together and that had stopped receiving a mortgage payment since I moved out at the beginning of 2012. It seemed to take forever to get the house sold and then trying to convince him to move out because you don't own it anymore was pure chaos. It finally took a cleaning crew to go in and just throw years of existence in the trash because he refused to move it. In the months following all that drama came the evolving of that person getting back on his feet with much help from his relatives. It's finally at a point where he's alright and the kids aren't as worried about him as they used to be. Everyone is amicable and it took a long time to get to this place. The B Street house was totally refurbished by the guy who bought it from our short sale inside and outside and went up for sale for $249,000 which is totally crazy-I wonder if they disclosed it was septic like they failed to tell me when I signed the papers to buy it. It was a great weight lifted off my shoulder when I got the notice stating I didn't own it anymore-it was just another chapter in my life. Miji started working at his job he is at now and Anthony got his first job too which were blessings. Anthony also started driving-watch out Inland Empire! We had some crazy weeks there with all the adjusting of getting used to having his own car and paying for insurance and the two car payments that were left and learning how to handle a bi-weekly check. Sometimes families have to cross rocky waters to get to the smooth sailing but eventually it happened. What can I say, I am a mother and moms were put here to nag and give their kids a hard time but eventually when we're older we realize the reasons our moms did this was because they worry about and love us-maybe one day my kids will understand this too. I got a new car-well new to me it's a 2010 Nissan. I named my car Rosie and handed Carmen(my Honda)over to Anthony which he loves! I love my new car-even though it makes a noise I researched and wasn't happy with but at least Miji convinced me to purchase a warranty on it which I have not had to use. I am told the noise is mostly a nuisance so I turn up my radio and let Rosie take me where I need to go. I feel safer driving at night or in the rain which I hate to do but don't mind as much. We used to go everywhere in Miji's car which he calls Charlena but now we take mine. This seems to come in handy when Miji wants to sample different craft beers at the cool places we like to go to. Adri turned 17 and we took her to Santa Monica with her friend and we all had a blast. It's hard to believe that at this time next year she will be a grown up-18 years old and graduated from high school-where did all the time go? Then came August and birthdays galore. Miji, his mom and his aunt. For his Aunt we planned to be there at her house when she woke up so the whole family could sing las mananitas and celebrate with her. It was a great celebration and lots of fun but we got there at 4 am and we were tired. We dropped Adri off with her dad and Miji and I went home to get some rest-it was a sunday afternoon. I complained for him to wake up after sleeping for a few hours because i wasn't tired and I was bored and wanted to do something. I pouted and said "Don't you love me?"...he laughed and asked if I needed anything from the kitchen. He came back, told me to get up and he got down on one knee and proposed to me. He proclaimed how happy I have made him and how much he loves me. I cried, he cried and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. We called up his family who were still celebrating at his aunts house and told them the great news then went back to celebrate again, this time with champagne-it was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. he tells me he wanted it to be more elaborate but that the time felt right. I told him it was perfect just the way it was...then the wedding planning began. We found our wedding and reception venue and after endless hours of dress shopping I found my dress and fell in love instantly with the way the sparkles called my name...what can I say...I love sparkles. My birthday came and went... 41 years old. It's funny how when your parents were that age you think wow that is old but when you reach that age you're thinking...Hmmm, it's not so bad. Then came Ant's birthday and he turned 19-which to him is just one step closer to turning 21. Then halloween...then Thanksgiving...then Christmas...and now here we are looking back on the year and reflecting on all the things that happened to us, with people we know, with the world. We are all going to make our new year resolutions like giving up soda (that's mine!) or losing 25 pounds (that's mine too!) or whatever it is we need or want to do. Some of us will succeed with those resolutions while some of us will give up within a month or two. It's going to be a busy year for me, at least the first half. Adrianna will be done with school by February and will go back to graduate in June and I have to say that I am really proud of her. She got behind and had to change schools to regain her credits but she focused and will now be done sooner than she originally would have and I knew she could do it all along. Then of course is the wedding that I and a lot of people are so looking forward to in July. It feels like it is the first time I have been married even though it's not. But it's so different. I never had the proposal, the big poofy white sparkly beautiful dress, the in-laws who wanted to pitch in. It is going to be a wonderful day and there are approximately 193 days left! So much to do! This is my last new year's eve as a Morales and in saying that, I begin to think of my dad. I tell Miji all the time how my dad would have loved him and I still feel like my dad convinced God to help me find him. He knew we would make a perfect match. Oh how I miss my dad... So in closing and in reflecting, I would like to wish all of you a Happy New Year. Be safe and thankful for all that we are given each and every year...I know I am.

8 Days Before Christmas

December 17th is a day that I have had emblazoned in my mind on this day for the last 20 years. Wow-20 years-seems like a long time and I guess it is a long time. For the last two years I have thought that I could just block it out of my mind when it gets here, but no. 20 years ago today changed my life forever and things like that you can't seem to forget even when it's part of your past. Twenty years ago this day I met the father of my children. I fell for him hard and fast and got sucked into the most tumultuous relationship of my life. We did things backwards and had a son before we were married. There was never a proposal, marriage was just something we decided to do, then came our daughter. There was both good times and bad, but sadly there was more bad than good. we fought, made up, fought, made up...it went on for years this way. When you invest so much time and energy into a relationship it's hard to walk away even when you're unhappy. It becomes even harder when you have kids. I thought about getting a divorce for years but I was too scared to actually go through with it. I was afraid of the unknown and how I would make it through with two kids and one income. I was also scared of something he used to tell me that I eventually believed...Nobody is going to love you or want you, especially with two kids. I still hear the words in my memory. Isn't it strange how things like that stick with you? The kids got older and I gave in to the marriage more and more. I envisioned what my life would be like if I was happy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't locked in some torture chamber unable to leave and there were good times, but I just did not ever think that this was my ever after. People used to ask me if I thought that he was my soul mate and I would quickly respond without hesitation-no! They would think I was crazy I mean we were married after all and I didn't think he was my soul mate, but truly, I never did. I didn't know that there would be a time I would not be with him and I started to doubt that I would ever find what I truly wanted and needed in a relationship because here I was, married to him. We renewed our vows because we thought maybe we could make it work and that would help, no. We bought a house together thinking we could be happy there forever, no. After we moved into that house things got worse and the fights became more intense and the words more harsh. The kids were getting older and wiser and it was not the way iI wanted them to remember their teen years-enough was enough. My sister once told me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know it was time to leave and I did. There is a song with these lyrics... "You can only go for so long doing the one you claim to love wrong before too much is enough you look up and find your love gone" Those words stuck with me and they became more true with each new day. I told him for years that I was leaving and one day when I reached my breaking point and worked up enough courage I finally did. My mom told me that one day I would look back at that time in my life and wonder what took me so long and she was right. Today I am the happiest I have been since the days I held each of my kids for the first time. The man in my life is the one that I know I was meant to be with and if people ask me if I think he is my soul mate there is not a doubt in my mind. He holds me and tells me things I never thought I would hear. He made me believe in love again and I will become his wife in 2014. Perhaps today's date will eventually fade away but if not, it's ok. I learned a lot from my first marriage, it made me stronger to be the person I am today. Had I not met him 20 years ago today I would not have been given the gift of my children, and I cannot imagine my life without them. They have been there with me pretty much from the beginning and I love them more than they will ever understand. I went through what I did mostly for their benefit and I have little regret. In all the bad that he and I went through, I don't wish him anything but the happiness and love that I have found in my new life, the one where December 17th is nothing more than 8 days before Christmas.

Calm Down Bridezilla it's Christmas!

I have a wedding widget on my phone that counts down how many days are left until our big day next year. I also have the days numbered on my calendar at work. Today the number reads 218. Just 218 days left! Yes I know that sounds like a lot but I know once the holidays pass the time is going to fly by. I have kind of been in this sort of mode where I feel like I have to do something for the wedding every few days like watching wedding shows or looking for invitations or going on the David's Bridal website just to feel like a wedding is going to happen. When Miji proposed to me in August we kind of got a little ahead of ourselves. We booked the venue for the wedding and reception, I bought my dress, we picked out tuxedos and bridesmaids dresses, held a wedding party meeting, booked the photographer, set up a meeting with the cake lady, booked the DJ-whew! I know what you're thinking...what's left?!! I know, I know, we have got a lot accomplished and now it's time for the holidays. I was so used to doing something every week that needed to get done and now we're just sitting back and enjoying the holidays. In the back of my mind though I think of new things that have to be done and worry about crazy things-Like what if the girls don't buy their dresses and they go on clearance and stop selling them? What if the guys don't get fitted for their tuxes by the deadline? The little things keep nagging me and while I want to enjoy the holidays I find myself thinking of all these things in my head-I am crazy!!! I was watching an episode of Say Yes to the Dress and the brides were going in to buy new dresses because they changed their minds about their original dresses that they fell in love with. I do that too! I find myself going on David's Bridal website looking for different things, then I realize I totally love my dress and the way that it sparkles and shines-it is so me and I cannot wait to wear it. Quite often I unzip the bag my dress lives in for now and I say hello dress-it's me, I love you! Miji and his parents think its funny when I do that. I tell myself that I better take some time to enjoy the holidays because I know that once 2014 gets here I will have just 192 days on my wedding widget-see how crazy I am that I know that!? I also know that come january I have to get serious about the gym! I have been in a weird not wanting to do any fitness related thing because of last week being Thanksgiving and the next few weeks filled with parties, lunches and potlucks and Christmas-why even bother! Yup, I am sure my gym is going to be packed come January and I plan on being there all the time!!! I tried to be good the other day by doing some good old manual situps-yeah that was fun, I ended up having to take a pain pill because I messed up my back-see what I get for trying? Oh well-I am on a mission come january and I figure as long as my dress zips up, that's perfect! So for now I will put all my wedding thoughts to the back of my mind, enjoy the holidays and fattening food and in January I will begin to drive the 25 people that are in my wedding crazy in a non bridezilla-ish way!