8 Days Before Christmas

December 17th is a day that I have had emblazoned in my mind on this day for the last 20 years. Wow-20 years-seems like a long time and I guess it is a long time. For the last two years I have thought that I could just block it out of my mind when it gets here, but no. 20 years ago today changed my life forever and things like that you can't seem to forget even when it's part of your past. Twenty years ago this day I met the father of my children. I fell for him hard and fast and got sucked into the most tumultuous relationship of my life. We did things backwards and had a son before we were married. There was never a proposal, marriage was just something we decided to do, then came our daughter. There was both good times and bad, but sadly there was more bad than good. we fought, made up, fought, made up...it went on for years this way. When you invest so much time and energy into a relationship it's hard to walk away even when you're unhappy. It becomes even harder when you have kids. I thought about getting a divorce for years but I was too scared to actually go through with it. I was afraid of the unknown and how I would make it through with two kids and one income. I was also scared of something he used to tell me that I eventually believed...Nobody is going to love you or want you, especially with two kids. I still hear the words in my memory. Isn't it strange how things like that stick with you? The kids got older and I gave in to the marriage more and more. I envisioned what my life would be like if I was happy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't locked in some torture chamber unable to leave and there were good times, but I just did not ever think that this was my ever after. People used to ask me if I thought that he was my soul mate and I would quickly respond without hesitation-no! They would think I was crazy I mean we were married after all and I didn't think he was my soul mate, but truly, I never did. I didn't know that there would be a time I would not be with him and I started to doubt that I would ever find what I truly wanted and needed in a relationship because here I was, married to him. We renewed our vows because we thought maybe we could make it work and that would help, no. We bought a house together thinking we could be happy there forever, no. After we moved into that house things got worse and the fights became more intense and the words more harsh. The kids were getting older and wiser and it was not the way iI wanted them to remember their teen years-enough was enough. My sister once told me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know it was time to leave and I did. There is a song with these lyrics... "You can only go for so long doing the one you claim to love wrong before too much is enough you look up and find your love gone" Those words stuck with me and they became more true with each new day. I told him for years that I was leaving and one day when I reached my breaking point and worked up enough courage I finally did. My mom told me that one day I would look back at that time in my life and wonder what took me so long and she was right. Today I am the happiest I have been since the days I held each of my kids for the first time. The man in my life is the one that I know I was meant to be with and if people ask me if I think he is my soul mate there is not a doubt in my mind. He holds me and tells me things I never thought I would hear. He made me believe in love again and I will become his wife in 2014. Perhaps today's date will eventually fade away but if not, it's ok. I learned a lot from my first marriage, it made me stronger to be the person I am today. Had I not met him 20 years ago today I would not have been given the gift of my children, and I cannot imagine my life without them. They have been there with me pretty much from the beginning and I love them more than they will ever understand. I went through what I did mostly for their benefit and I have little regret. In all the bad that he and I went through, I don't wish him anything but the happiness and love that I have found in my new life, the one where December 17th is nothing more than 8 days before Christmas.