Honeymoon Phase Forever

I was reading an interesting article about how to tell if your "Honeymoon Phase" of your relationship is over. The honeymoon phase is defined as the beginning stage of your relationship where the other person can do no wrong and everything is blissful. The article stated that after about three months the honeymoon phase starts to end and then the real people of the relationship start to emerge. After reading this I smiled to myself because after 1 year and 10 months together Miji and I are still in the "Honeymoon Phase". I remember when we first started dating we went to Yardhouse at Victoria Gardens in Rancho Cucamonga. We were seated at this big round table by this waitress who looked so annoyed with us because we were laughing and smiling and flirting with each other and just so in love. The funny thing is that we are still this way with each other as if no time has passed-it is the most incredible feeling in the world. My favorite part of the day is when the day is almost over and we retreat to our room for the evening. We hang out on our bed and just watch tv and laugh about stupid things and talk until we are tired and fall asleep in each other's arms. Sometimes he will be doing something on his phone while I am on mine and we glance at each other and just smile and mouth the words "I love you" to each other. Even in the middle of night he wraps his arm around me or pulls my arm around him like a blanket. We are in the honeymoon phase even when we are sleeping! I was thinking about that article and thinking back to all my relationships before I met Miji and I can honestly say that in those relationships that article was true-the real people that was myself and them emerged and the honeymoon phase did end after three months-sometimes even less. In this case with Miji it has been so different than anything I have ever experienced. From the moment I watch him pull out of our driveway to the moment I see him as I walk in the door at night I miss him and am counting down the hours until I see him again. He will come up to me and put his arms around me and say "God, I love you" and he looks at me with his warm brown eyes with so much love that it makes me emotional. Sometimes while we are laying there at night and he is telling me how much he loves me and all the reasons why, I start to cry and I tell him how happy I am and how lucky I feel to have him in my life. Some people don't believe in soulmates and I used to doubt that soulmates existed at one time in my life, but not anymore, I believe I have found the one my soul belongs with as his belongs with me. He once sent me a quote that I have on my cubicle wall at work to remind me how incredibly lucky I am. Here it is: "There's this incredible feeling you get when you meet someone new and you feel like you've known them your whole life. Beyond the fact that you now share a set of reference points, there's something so much more intrinsic They're not just awesome, kind or funny. It's that their sensibilities and personality so line up with your own that you feel it in your bones. It's outright chemical. Sometimes you didn't know this person at all. Sometimes you've heard a million things about them beforehand. But there is no denying it when it happens, and you wonder how you've ever, ever got by in your life without them." Under the quote he wrote "That's you sweetie". He makes the whole world melt away when he looks at me and I will never be the same. My wish is for every person in love to always be in the honeymoon phase-just like me and my Miji.

My Last Last Name

It totally amazes me sometimes where I am now as opposed to where I was less than two years ago. I mean sometimes I get so overwhelmed by it all that I cry as I think about it. Flash back to two years ago... It was November 2011. Just weeks earlier I filed for divorce and I spent most of my time in what I called my own suite. It was the formal living room to the house that my then soon to be ex-husband purchased in 2008. It was the opposite side of the house where he occupied the back den, master bedroom and bathroom. In the beginning of 2011 I had decided I could not pretend anymore and I was tired of alternating who had the room on what night so I made the livingroom into my own. I had my own double bed, some recliner chairs, a couch, cable tv and whatever I needed. Worry and a lack of faith was the only thing preventing me from moving out completely. I had never owned a house before and I was so scared of just walking away from the payments, I mean just totally thinking forget it. Our house payment was a little over $1,400 and I felt like I would be sued and did not know what to do about it. I also knew that if I did leave, he would not be able to make the payment-which is why I stayed. As the holidays drew closer I dreaded it. We were known to fight on the holidays instead of being happy like everyone else. There was always something that turned into an argument on the holidays. We rarely said fewer than a few sentences to each other every day and it was just a bad situation. I can honestly say that in 2011 I do not even remember what we did for Thanksgiving. I do remember that Anthony wanted to go to Merced with his friends but I wouldn't let him go because I thought it was too far. I have to admit it was one of the most imprtant decisions of my life. Just days later those friends on that trip were in a tragic car accident and two of his friends died. It was an emotional time. Words his friend used to tell people inspired me to make me understand that I was the only one who was responsible for my own happiness. It was then I realized that you can't take life for granted and believe you have forever. Then it was December. My son was sad and emotional about losing his friend and me and the girl tried to be there for him as much as he would allow. His dad just didn't really get it and went on with life as usual. He didn't really understand how hurt my son truly was over the loss and there was a lot of tension which led to more arguments. The kids and I bonded together during this time and I knew a change had to be made but I didn't know how. One evening in December my ex-sister in law and now my friend invited me over to her place for dinner. It would be the night that totally changed my life. She was there with her roommate and my nephew and a guy I didn't know. I came to find out it was a guy she was dating. They were wonderfully happy and so well in sync that it made me envious. They had that chemistry that people search to find. I asked them where they met and they told me Match.Com. Really? I thought-wow it looked like this was a great match...maybe I could be so lucky. They told me I should try it and I was amused, I really wanted to do it. I went home and logged on to my computer and checked the site out. You can join for free and make a profile but in order for it to work at the sites full potential you have to pay for one of their plans, otherwise communication with others on the site is pretty much impossible aside from winking. I remember thinking here I am this person who is still technically married even though I have filed for a divorce but have only tried to serve the paperwork. How would that even work? What would I even say..."Yes I want to get to know you but I am still technically married, hopefully soon to be divorced oh and by the way, I still live in the same house as the soon to be ex husband." It sounded crazy and I didn't go back for a few days. The truth is, I wasn't looking to go on the site and find a boyfriend, I just wanted to get out in the world again and hang out and find myself-it's hard to understand if you have never been there. Christmas came and went and by New Year's eve I decided to just pay for a month and see what happened-another important decision. If you have ever been on an online site you will agree that there is a lot of sifting you have to do-so I did. I saw the profile of a guy that was handsome and seemed really nice. I was put off by a photo he had that made him look high maintenance and I winked but didn't leave him a message...until a few days later. He responded and we started texting each other every day little by little. We decided to meet for lunch one day and we instantly clicked. It was like we had known each other forever. We were so at ease with other and it just felt right. I can't explain it but I knew that I wanted to be around him. We were very open and honest with each other and I told him about my soon to be divorce and my living situation. I told him I had two kids and he told me he had none but that it was not an issue if he never had any of his own (which was great because my baby factory closed down!) What can I say we just clicked. He got me and I got him. He embraced my outgoing and humorous personality because he was the same way. Back at the house the tension had turned into explosions of fighting and a lot of the time it wasn't even me and him but equations of him and the kids and sometimes me. A friend of mine was finally able to serve him the divorce papers after a few failed attempts. It was hard to serve paperwork to someone who never answered the door but looked right at you through a window-ugh! One day I remembered about a public meeting he would be attending, and that's when it happened. After that, things became worse at home because it was official. My years of telling him I was leaving were finally coming to an end and happening and it was hard for him to grasp. He also had the realization that the space he put between him and the kids in fighting with them for so long would probably make them want to leave with me as well. Two weeks before February 2012, I found an apartment and started packing the most essential things accumulated in a span of almost 20 years in boxes. It was done and he knew it. He would get mad and knock over my neatly stacked boxes. He would start arguments and Anthony and Adri would tell him to leave me alone-protecting me. I spent the first night in my new apartment on a Friday and officially moved our things in on a Saturday. It was the first time that Ant met the person in my life from match. Ad had already met him and things went just as they were supposed to and they were ok because they saw the changes I was making in my life for the betterment of all of us (is betterment a word?). Time in my apartment was spent finding myself again and doing things I wanted to do. The kids were happier and had this place where they didn't have to fight everyday. The divorce procedure went fairly smoothly aside from getting paperwork sent back to me over and over. I finally had to get the help from a paralegal to get it done right and on July 19, 2012 I became the person I had not been for so long...Tembi Mina Morales. It was one of the most happiest days in my life-I suddenly felt so free, it was an amazing feeling. Then came November a year ago. That's when me and the person from match.com (I call him Miji) decided to take our relationship to another level. We moved in to a house together with the kids and we haven't looked back. It's a house in a quiet neighborhood just big enough for the four of us and a few pets. We pay all of our bills and have a little left over. We are happy. It's a simple life and I look forward to going home every night where as before i looked forward to going to work to just get away. The crazy fighting that used to exist exists no more. Just the other day Adri told me that they both feel safe at our house and it made me teary eyed. We have lived there for a year and this year we went into our new lease as newly engaged. Miji asked me to marry him on August 18th of this year and of course I said yes. He has turned our lives around (with the help of God of course). I believe he was my destiny, my Godsend, my soulmate. I am such a better person because of him and he balances out all my flaws. I cannot imagine what life would be if I had never met him. I am thankful each day for the way life has turned out. In July 2014 I will become Tembi Mina Tovar...which will be the last name I will ever have.

Always In My Heart Forever

I was asked yesterday by a friend of mine what happened to my blog. The truth is I have been so busy with everything going on in my life that I kind of put it to the side, which I hate because I promised myself that I would start writing more so I am making a vow or trying to at least to remember to write my blog at least once per week. Hopefully it will be like a tv show that you wind up looking forward to on a certain day. I knew instantly what I wanted today's blog to be about. It is something I gave a speech on at one of my recent Toastmasters meetings. In case some of you are are wondering what Toastmasters is, it is a speech club where you have to give speeches and hear speeches and help each other be better public speakers. I joined the club because I was told to for work but I have really come to enjoy it. Anyways, the title of that speech was "Always In My Heart". As many of you know, I am getting married in July of next year and with each new day I am looking forward to that special day. I am sure you all know that I was married before and had two weddings with that person. As I write this I think of little details that were staring me in the face back then but that I clearly did not see. The first wedding was at the Hall of records in San Bernardino. I wore a white suit and there were some friends and family there. My dad was keeping Anthony busy (yes we already had Anthony before we were married) instead of walking me down the tiny little aisle and I thought it was no big deal-I mean we were at the Hall of Records. We went out to lunch after that and the following week we had a reception at a hall-nothing fancy. Things I remember from that reception...His family came together and left together and didn't stay the whole time. When I couldn't find him I went looking and found him in a small room with some strange wedding guest (a girl) whom I didn't know standing very close and fixing his tie-Boy, was I naive. The second wedding was ten years later in a church I wore a red evening gown type of dress and again we had the reception in a hall. It ended up being a big mess that I choose to block out. It was not really organized, family members had disagreements, ugh. Also, this time...my Dad was already gone. He had passed away a few months before the wedding and it was hard to think that one of the most special times for a daughter and her Daddy walking down the aisle was something that I would never get to experience-ever. As you all know from knowing me I ended up getting a divorce and have now been divorced for over a year. It's funny how things happen in life the way you never imagined they would. I remember fighting with the Ex and telling him I would never get married again because I never wanted to go through the hell of it again. I guess what I did not realize at the time was that marriage is not supposed to be what I had experienced with him for so long. Miji came along and showed me everything I was supposed to experience when you're truly in love and it has been an experience I can honestly say I have never felt before. He has made me believe in love again, something I gave up on years before with the Ex. We talked about marriage on and off and he told me that he was going to marry me one day. He proposed to me on August 18th and it was something I had never experienced before. Every little girl dreams about that special someone proposing down on one knee confessing his love and I had never had that. The first time around I told him we should get married since we already had Ant-he said ok-no proposal. Miji and I were alone on a Sunday afternoon and he told me he was going to the kitchen to get some water and he came back with a ring box in his hand and got down on one knee and told me how much he loved me and all I meant to him and all the reasons he wanted to marry me. We both cried and I was so happy-we both were. We called up our families and told them the news, We celebrated with his family as it was also his Aunt's birthday. When we got there they had champagne waiting for us and the wedding planning commenced. Adri thought that I should tell her dad so she didnt let it slip while visiting him so I thought I would tell him as a courtesy. He reminded me that I had said that I was never going to get married again during one of our fights and I told him it was because of the way he made me feel about marriage-it was very freeing to say that to him. He has since congratulated me and Miji-not that it ever mattered. The wedding planning process has been something that I never really experienced before. This time around I have a fiance who has a loving and caring family and who are so involved and actually want to be involved. This time around I had that wonderful proposal that I had always dreamed about. This time around I have that beautiful white wedding dress that makes my eyes light up every time I look at it. This time around I have everything I ever dreamed a wedding should be like...except for one thing...I don't have my Daddy. I have been thinking about my Dad a lot since the wedding planning process began. I always think of how happy he would be for me and Miji. Miji sometimes asks me if I think that my Dad would like him and I respond...he would have loved you, and that's so true. My Dad always only wanted the best for me and I know that he is watching all this from Heaven finally satisfied that I am in the place in my life right now where I always should have been. I used to pray all the time that I would be given someone who would love me and care for me and protect me, and I so have that now-it's truly amazing and I am just in awe each time I think of it. I think about all the little coincidences in my life that connected Miji and I and it makes me believe even more how we were meant to be. I regret the fact that I never had my Dad walk me down the aisle, but I guess I just thought that he would always be here. As it turns out, the money that I spent on the dress I love so much was bought with some money that belonged to my Dad. I have asked my Uncle to walk me down the aisle because he was my Dad's brother and I will feel like it's my Dad guiding me to the man of my dreams who is waiting for me at the end. In a sense, my Dad will be with me as I walk down the aisle as I will feel it when I put on my dress like he is in my soul-I feel him with me right now as I write this. You always see those movies where the loved one has passed and their spirits are right there with their loved ones-that's how I feel a lot of the time when I am alone or feeling happy or passing my Dad's picture in the hallway. When I was little I used to tell my Dad that I never wanted him to die and he would tell me that everybody has to die but that no matter what he would always live on in my heart. I couldn't understand just what he meant back then but I do now and he was right. Sometimes when I am missing my Dad I reach up and feel my heartbeat and feel a sense of security knowing that my Dad is always there...Miss you Dad.

Happy Birthday Mama!

Dear Mom-

Tomorrow while we are all celebrating Independence Day with fabulous food, wonderful company and a dazzling display of fireworks everywhere I will be thinking of you on what will be your 70th birthday.  It is hard to believe that you are 70 when it still feels like only yesterday that you were my age.  I remember when we were younger and you used to get dressed for work.  You were always matching and coordinating your clothes.  I remember thinking how well put together you were even though we sometimes called you Polly Ester since you wore your polyester pants.  Looking back your style was not much different from mine now.  I guess it is true that eventually we all turn into our mothers somehow-I know I have in a few ways.

I have soooo many memories of you and sometimes I just sit and laugh thinking of them.  I remember how you loved to sing and how you and my dad would turn on that crazy stereo system we called Big Bertha and hooked up your microphones and sang along to Patsy Cline and that crazy song that went something like "Your bags are packed and waiting...".  It's funny how I hated your music back then, but now when I hear those familiar melodies in my head they make me smile and I turn them up-now driving my own kids crazy with those songs.  I remember how it would drive us all crazy how you would remind us to do things and turn stuff off-Just ask Miji and the kids how I now am the crazy reminder lady! I am always telling them to turn off this, unplug that or check whatever.  I remember that stupid little bell chime you had on the back of the front door as a little noisemaker when someone came in.  Kenny and I hated that thing because we knew you would be listening to it if we came home late AND on top of that you would sometimes set your alarm to match our curfews to make sure we were home!  Looking back now I think it was a wonderful idea and may start using it too with your grandkids!  I remember how you loved to do crafty things. I think this is where I got my love of crafting because I saw you do it all the time and you enjoyed doing it.  I love to shop at thrift stores and think back to when you co-owned that thrift store and you made me run the cash register since you didn't know how!  Darn I wish you still owned that-what a dream come true!!

At summertime I am reminded of how you used to swim in our pool.  You had your blue high tech heavy duty glass mask that would cover half of your face.  It worked so good at keeping water out that when you would take it off there would be a ring around your face on the area it was placed that would stay for at least an hour!  You would float around the pool with empty chlorine bottles and it was such a funny sight to see.  I can still see you now and it makes me giggle.  I remember how you would let anyone come over in the summertime and use the pool and you were always in the kitchen making food for whoever came over making sure to be a wonderful hostess. 

I remember how you were always considered the cool mom and all our friends told us so, even though we may not have thought it at the time.  We were always there at the house with our friends and you would always make them feel at home just to make us happy.   I remember how when we lived on Encina you made that ham one night and my friend Pam came over and ate most of it in sandwiches-you were so mad but you got over it and weren't too mad at me! I remember your huge camcorder that was as big as a TV studio camera that you always had to catch any candid moment on film.  You made us crazy with all the special effects you would incorporate into any video you made and we hated how you would play the videos over and over again.

I remember how you were very particular about us using things around the house.  For some reason you always thought that if we used the washing machine or dishwasher or whatever we would end up breaking it.  I am laughing right now because I am exactly the same way.  I would rather do everything so I know that I will do it the way I want it done.  I remember how you guys had so many friends from being on the CB Radio or from work and how we were always visiting with people and just always having a good time.  I remember hanging out at the bowling alley on Friday night for four hours while you guys bowled on the league.  I remember Friday night poker games.  There was always something going on for fun.

I remember moving a lot when we were growing up and I remember a lot of the sacrifices that you made for us.  I know that you worked really hard just to give us the basics.  I remember complaining to you of things I wanted sometimes and you would try and get those things for us.  If you couldn't we may have been mad and may have been mean at the time but Mom, I want you to know that I totally understand now.  I know it took a while, but I do.  I am so much like you that it makes me crazy (but in a good way).  I have turned into that mother that reminds the family to do basic things.  I am the mother who cannot sleep at night until the kids are home safe or have called me to let me know where they are.  I am the mother who the kids think does not know anything since they are sure I have never experienced their problems.  I am the mother who wants a clean house, repectful kids and love and happiness...just like you did.

I know I may not always tell you mama but I sincerely love you with all my heart.  I miss you all the time now that you live so far away.  I remember when I was younger and you used to say how you hated Los Angeles traffic and that you would never drive there.  Just to spite you I would always say when I was old enough I was going to move to LA-what a witch I was right?  The kids tell me similar things in their own ways and while it annoys me I don't really take it to heart because I remember the things I used to say to you to press your buttons!  I think about all the advice you have given me over the years and most of it was right on!  I remember calling you the day I turned in divorce paperwork and I remember crying to you that I was scared and what if I couldn't do this and you told me how one day I would look back on that day and laugh and wonder why I did not do it sooner.  You assured me that I was strong enough to get through anything and that I would be so happy and deserved to be so happy-you nailed that one right on as well-I am so happy!!

I am glad that you are happy as well mom.  I know you are married to a man who loves you and takes care of you and keeps a smile on your face and we all deserve that.  It means so much to me that you are finally happy with the person I am with.  I know throughout the years I may have been upset with the opinions you gave me of that person who made me so unhappy but I guess it was just because I knew what you were saying was true and I was just in denial of all of it.  I am so glad that you never gave up on me and reassured me that I do deserve happiness because I know that your encouragement helped me to get where I am now.  I am glad you like Miji and I want to assure you in every way that I am the happiest I have ever been with a significant other.  He is the Prince Charming you used to read to me about when I was little.

So Mom I just want to tell you that while I will miss you on your birthday and spending it with you, please know my thoughts will be of you and knowing in my heart that you are 70 years young and knowing you  you will be having a wonderful birthday because you deserve it so much.  I know I do not tell you often enough how much I love you and appreciate everything you have ever done for me and the way you have loved me and all of us throughout the years and you still continue to do so.  You have given us your unconditional love and encouragement and passed things on to us that will continue to be passed on for generations to come. 

Thank you Mom!  I love you (even when you think I don't).  Your love will always stay on my mind and in my heart.  Happy 70th birthday pretty lady!!!

On My Mind...

I have a lot of things on my mind lately and to try and  clear those things out I am going to blog about them!  Here we go...

First things first.  I recently bought a new car over the weekend and when I got home I immediately had buyers remorse-am I the only one who has that?  I am cheap and don't like to spend too much money on myself.  I love shopping at thrift stores and I am very much a bargain shopper.  Even when I bought my car recently I haggled to no end to get them down to the lowest they could go!  Still the thought of the slightly higher car payment and insurance payment creeps up on my thoughts as I try to push it away.  I mean I know it's all fine but buyers remorse is not my friend!

July in my family is a big birthday month.  First we have my mama who lives in Texas on the most american day of the year-4th of July.  She was born on her mom's birthday which is also the 4th of July (in case I wasn't clear).  Everytime I see something patriotic or just anything red, white and blue I always think of my mom and grandma.  Unfortunately we don't get to see Mom very often because of the distance between us and one day I hope we can go visit her in Texas again-it just always seems that schedules, time and money don't always allow.  I miss having my mom within close proximity to all of us.  She knows how to cook really good (for a white girl!)  She makes awesome chicken mole, spaghetti and chicken dumplings.  For 4th of July we used to barbecue and she would make her potato salad and we would do fireworks.  I miss being younger...I miss my mom (love you mom-stop crying!).  I don't really remember my grandmother too much.  I think she passed away when I was about 10.  I remember little things like her dresses she would wear and the tiny white cups with green decoration that she would drink coffee in.  I remember her kitchen-it's weird how you remember the little things like that.  Back when I was unhappily married I would drive to starbucks, get a frappuccino and just spend hours under the tree all by myself that my Grandma Jean and Grandpa Jim are buried under.  I would go there to find solace and peace.  I would talk to them about my unhappiness.  Perhaps they had a part in the peace and love I have found since then.  July 10th is my little girl's birthday-although these days she is not a little girl.  My Adri will be 17-Dang where have the years gone-its amazing how time flies.  I have so many hopes and dreams for this girl.  We may argue and not always see eye to eye but there are times I know she loves me like when we are watching TV or driving somewhere together and she says every few minutes "I love you mom".  It makes my heart swell with happiness.  She is so much like me it isn't even funny.  She is my little mini me and I would do anything I could for her.  I wish her all the love and happiness in the world.  Next up-July 19-My wonderful sister.  To me and my brother my sister is more a like a mom to us.  She is always there to make sure we are ok and has the biggest heart.  All I want for her is to be happy and I think she finally is-love her!  July 27th is my niece Jennifer's birthday.  Jennifer is no longer here with us.  She passed away way too early and we all miss her so much.  She was my sister's world and I know that our Jen-Jen is watching over us from heaven and I will be thinking of her that day.

Aside from birthdays is July 19th.  Now I know that I mentioned it was my sister's birthday on this day but it is also a significant day for me because it is the day my divorce became final last year.  The time has flown by so fast.  It is a significant day for me because in a way it is sort of my independence day-the day I finally became free-the day I got my name back the day I could truly start over again-and I have.  It's funny how this day there is always something going on.  Last year we went to see The Dark Knight Rises and of course it was my sister's birthday.  I remember setting my alarm to midnight last year and when it went off I knew I was divorced-it was a feeling I will never forget.  This year Ant scheduled his driving test to get his license that day-truly a milestone day.

This week I will finally be done with all my doctor appointments.  I scheduled an appointment to get accquainted with my new doctor and from there I had bloodwork appointments, well woman appointments (UGH!) and a few other appointments to check on some things I may share later.  I tend to get worried when I go to doctor appointments and I turn to Miji and tell him of my concerns.  He always knows just what to say and do and calms my worries.  He tells me that we are going to live a long and happy and healthy life together and that everything is going to be ok and I am just fine.  I wonder how I got so lucky to finally have a man in my life who makes me feel so safe and incredibly happy.  It's an amazing feeling.  I love love!!  Which brings me to something else that has been on my mind and I am sure the minds of many others...

I just want to say that I am so happy about the fact that anyone can legally be with who they want to be with.  Man and Woman, Man and Man, Woman and Woman.  Love is love and I am overjoyed that so many people will get to be with whoever they want to be with.  Oh I know there are so many who will disagree but I don't care.  The way I see it, why should it affect anyone who doesn't like it.  It really is none of their business and nobody is asking them to marry someone they don't want to so who cares.  Adri shares my thoughts and posted as much on her facebook page.  Of course she was ridiculed by people who once were her friends.  I know she is my daughter because she stood up to them and said what she believed in.  People tried to say it wasn't right and how she must not believe in God and I really feel sorry for those people.  We do believe in God and I know that God looks at us individually and the people we are and how we treat others.  Anyone who tries to tell us we are not believers of God makes me sad for them, because we are and I know in the end the only one I will have to justify my actions to is God-not anyone else.

Anyways, I think I have ranted on enough.  If I don't blog before Thursday I would like to wish you all a happy 4th of July-Stay safe and sane just like the fireworks...and thanks for listening!

Every Day Is A Mystery

Waking up every day is a mystery.  You never know what the day holds for you.  This especially rang true this weekend when our plans entailed going to look and only look at the new KIA Cadenza.  It's this fancy car that we had been seeing commercials for and it was sleek and black and shiny-perfect.  We really had no intention of buying anything because I have a car payment that is on the brink of being paid off so seriously we were just going in to look!  Once we got there we weren't really impressed by the models they had of that specific car and outside of the commercial, it really was just another car-nothing special.  Adri and I left Miji to deal with the crazy salesman after I told the salesman we didn't like it.  To a man salesman a woman customer saying that is doomsday!  They know it's pretty much a no sale.  Anyways, Adri and I went on to check out the other cars and sit in them and fantacize they were ours.  I must admit she looked really cute in the driver seat of a mini SUV.  It's kind of crazy that my little girl will be driving someday soon-dang-where have all the years gone?

On our way back to the car Adri pleaded not to go home yet and I didn't really want to either.  A co-worker of mine has this really cute car called a Nissan Juke so I convinced Miji I wanted to check them out at the Nissan dealership across the street.  For years my dad was a car salesman and I pretty much know how they work.  The minute we walked on the lot our car salesman, Eddie, approached us.  I told him that I was broke and had no money down, had very bad credit (thanks to the ex) and I had a car payment until October-therefore I was only there to look at the Juke.  That did not matter to Eric he was convinced to get his sale!  We went inside and they ran some numbers-wow-not as bad as I thought-Thanks to my realtor who managed to short sale a house that had not been paid for for over a year!  Time for a test drive.  Up until this point I was convinced it was something that was not in my near future to get a new car.  The test drive was strange but awesome at the same time.  I had this wonderful sense of freedom and safety.  I felt like this was my car without anyone's name attached-without that person threatening that it was his car too-what a great feeling. 

After the test drive was when the real haggling began.  My daddy din't raise no dummy and I knew how to get what I knew I wanted.  I told them the minute I walked on the lot what I wanted and what I could do and eventually it worked out.  It was also a good life lesson for Adri to see that you can't just let someone talk you into something but that you have to fight for what you want and also that things are definately not free!!  I did have some buyer remorse for the rest of the weekend.  I am a bargain shopper and anytime I spend more than $100 on myself I start to freak out.

What I realized with the help of my Miji and my Facebook friends and my family is that I deserve this and that it is ok to have nice things and spend money that I work for.  One of the comments I received when I posted on Facebook was what a difference a year makes.  I sighed and thought how true that statement was.  Last year at this time I was 18 days away from being divorced and just beginning to truly be happy and discover life again after living for close to 20 years in unhappiness. 
I feel really blessed of where I am in my life right now.  I may panic when the electric bill jumps a little or worry about getting by at times but then I realize that in the end I have my family and we are healthy and truly happy for the first time in forever.  Every day truly IS a mystery but I know it is a gift we are all given to make the very best of and that's just what I am going to do.

So Amazing...

My reflection time is when I am driving the 18 minutes it takes me to get to work.  This morning I had a Beyonce/Stevie Wonder song in my head called So Amazing.  I really love this song-it's really beautiful.  I pulled away from my house listening to this song just as Miji was opening the garage to leave for work.  I blew him a kiss and was on my way.  As I listened to the words of this fabulous song I thought about where I am in my life right now and I almost started to cry.  I am finally at peace in my life with an abundance of happiness that I have never felt together all at once.  Miji and I have been together for a year and a half now and everyday gets better than the last.  We made a promise to each other from the very beginning that we would never go to bed mad...and we never have.  I have heard this advice from many people in life but they are really words of wonder.  Miji and I really just get each other.  This man makes me laugh and lets me be myself and loves me unconditionally.  He is the kind of man that every girl wishes for...my Prince Charming.

Last year on Father's Day was the first year in many years that I was not with my kid's father.  I was one month away from officially being divorced.  My Dad passed away in 2005 so my day consisted of wishing my brother and Miji's dad a Happy Father's Day.  The kids were getting to know Miji and adjusting to life without their father being in it much.  Theirs is an uncertain relationship.  They talk on the phone once in a while but there is not much of an effort made to see the kids.  It's sad and frustrating at the same time when I think about it.  I mean I want them to have their dad in their life, but I refuse to force it on them.  The kids and I went through many trying years with their dad.  We went from a world of fighting and yelling almost every day to our now days of simple happiness.  When we first moved out and I would send them to their dad's to stay overnight and I would get called either just a few hours later or early the next day begging me to pick them up because they were fighting or he kicked them out and threatened to call the police on them...like I said it was really hard.  After that became a pattern I told them they didn't have to see their dad unless they wanted to and that Miji and I would do whatever they wanted in regards to giving them rides to whereever to spend time with their dad at their discretion.

I cannot imagine going more than a few days without seeing my kids so it is hard to wonder what is going through his mind.  It is somewhat frustrating because I know he thinks he is a wonderful father-I mean why not, he calls his kids every few days.  In the past year and a half I have never asked him for anything-not a dime and sadly he hasn't ever offered other than paying for half of a high school yearbook and less than ten times for fast food with the kids and maybe something from the mall for our daughter.  In his eyes that makes him Father of the year.  What he does not realize is that Miji and I have been the ones dealing with the every day.  We were the ones comforting Adri when she had a broken heart.  We were the ones teaching Ant to drive and cheering him on when he got his first job.  We were the ones who were the taxi, the ATM, the cooks, the caregivers.  Miji and the kids have grown closer as the days have gone by.  When the kids want or need something or need advice or have a question they usually go to him first.  Though Miji has never had kids of his own he has blossomed into this father figure for my kids that is simply wonderful.  He has a way of taking an incredibly bad situation and making it all ok.  He has been there for us this past year and a half when we needed a shoulder to cry on or a rock to lean on. 

He is the father figure that the kids have always needed in their life but have never had as a whole until now.  With their dad there were pieces of what they needed but never really the whole thing and while that is sad I am happy that Miji is there for them to be what they need as a father figure.  We made a card and got him a T-shirt that says "This is what Awesome looks like!"  When I handed it to him early Sunday morning I could tell he was really happy.  He thanked the kids and I and later told me thank you for giving him his first Father's day.  It truly brought tears to my eyes.

The very next day I got a voice mail from the kid's dad on my work phone telling me that he talked to the kids on father's day but then going on to tell me that I didn't make the kids on my own so I should acknowledge him with a phone call or a card telling him to have a happy father's day.  I was floored.  After giving it some thought I called him up-no answer and left him a voice mail telling him that he is absolutely right, I did not make the kids on my own but I sure am their only parent who is raising them without any offers from him for help.  I also reminded him that we were divorced and I was under no obligation to wish him a happy father's day,  I mean why should I celebrate him only because it was father's day...every day should count with him being a father to the kids!  I never got a call back from him with his response to my message and as the day went on I realized the lyrics to Alicia Key's song "Brand New Me" is my theme song.  If you have never heard it, look it up-great song!  My favorite part of the song is this...

"If I talk a little louder, if I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller, I've been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different, don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free"

(Shoutout to Adri for showing me the song!)  But it's true...I am free.  I am happy. We may not have all the fancy things some people have or all the money in the world but we all have each other.  We learn from each other every day and this is the life I always envisioned for me, for us.   I feel like we have come a really long way from where we were for so many years just a few years ago.  I feel grateful every day and I feel SO AMAZING just like Beyonce and Stevie Wonder sang to me on my way to work this beautiful day.