Happy Birthday Mama!

Dear Mom-

Tomorrow while we are all celebrating Independence Day with fabulous food, wonderful company and a dazzling display of fireworks everywhere I will be thinking of you on what will be your 70th birthday.  It is hard to believe that you are 70 when it still feels like only yesterday that you were my age.  I remember when we were younger and you used to get dressed for work.  You were always matching and coordinating your clothes.  I remember thinking how well put together you were even though we sometimes called you Polly Ester since you wore your polyester pants.  Looking back your style was not much different from mine now.  I guess it is true that eventually we all turn into our mothers somehow-I know I have in a few ways.

I have soooo many memories of you and sometimes I just sit and laugh thinking of them.  I remember how you loved to sing and how you and my dad would turn on that crazy stereo system we called Big Bertha and hooked up your microphones and sang along to Patsy Cline and that crazy song that went something like "Your bags are packed and waiting...".  It's funny how I hated your music back then, but now when I hear those familiar melodies in my head they make me smile and I turn them up-now driving my own kids crazy with those songs.  I remember how it would drive us all crazy how you would remind us to do things and turn stuff off-Just ask Miji and the kids how I now am the crazy reminder lady! I am always telling them to turn off this, unplug that or check whatever.  I remember that stupid little bell chime you had on the back of the front door as a little noisemaker when someone came in.  Kenny and I hated that thing because we knew you would be listening to it if we came home late AND on top of that you would sometimes set your alarm to match our curfews to make sure we were home!  Looking back now I think it was a wonderful idea and may start using it too with your grandkids!  I remember how you loved to do crafty things. I think this is where I got my love of crafting because I saw you do it all the time and you enjoyed doing it.  I love to shop at thrift stores and think back to when you co-owned that thrift store and you made me run the cash register since you didn't know how!  Darn I wish you still owned that-what a dream come true!!

At summertime I am reminded of how you used to swim in our pool.  You had your blue high tech heavy duty glass mask that would cover half of your face.  It worked so good at keeping water out that when you would take it off there would be a ring around your face on the area it was placed that would stay for at least an hour!  You would float around the pool with empty chlorine bottles and it was such a funny sight to see.  I can still see you now and it makes me giggle.  I remember how you would let anyone come over in the summertime and use the pool and you were always in the kitchen making food for whoever came over making sure to be a wonderful hostess. 

I remember how you were always considered the cool mom and all our friends told us so, even though we may not have thought it at the time.  We were always there at the house with our friends and you would always make them feel at home just to make us happy.   I remember how when we lived on Encina you made that ham one night and my friend Pam came over and ate most of it in sandwiches-you were so mad but you got over it and weren't too mad at me! I remember your huge camcorder that was as big as a TV studio camera that you always had to catch any candid moment on film.  You made us crazy with all the special effects you would incorporate into any video you made and we hated how you would play the videos over and over again.

I remember how you were very particular about us using things around the house.  For some reason you always thought that if we used the washing machine or dishwasher or whatever we would end up breaking it.  I am laughing right now because I am exactly the same way.  I would rather do everything so I know that I will do it the way I want it done.  I remember how you guys had so many friends from being on the CB Radio or from work and how we were always visiting with people and just always having a good time.  I remember hanging out at the bowling alley on Friday night for four hours while you guys bowled on the league.  I remember Friday night poker games.  There was always something going on for fun.

I remember moving a lot when we were growing up and I remember a lot of the sacrifices that you made for us.  I know that you worked really hard just to give us the basics.  I remember complaining to you of things I wanted sometimes and you would try and get those things for us.  If you couldn't we may have been mad and may have been mean at the time but Mom, I want you to know that I totally understand now.  I know it took a while, but I do.  I am so much like you that it makes me crazy (but in a good way).  I have turned into that mother that reminds the family to do basic things.  I am the mother who cannot sleep at night until the kids are home safe or have called me to let me know where they are.  I am the mother who the kids think does not know anything since they are sure I have never experienced their problems.  I am the mother who wants a clean house, repectful kids and love and happiness...just like you did.

I know I may not always tell you mama but I sincerely love you with all my heart.  I miss you all the time now that you live so far away.  I remember when I was younger and you used to say how you hated Los Angeles traffic and that you would never drive there.  Just to spite you I would always say when I was old enough I was going to move to LA-what a witch I was right?  The kids tell me similar things in their own ways and while it annoys me I don't really take it to heart because I remember the things I used to say to you to press your buttons!  I think about all the advice you have given me over the years and most of it was right on!  I remember calling you the day I turned in divorce paperwork and I remember crying to you that I was scared and what if I couldn't do this and you told me how one day I would look back on that day and laugh and wonder why I did not do it sooner.  You assured me that I was strong enough to get through anything and that I would be so happy and deserved to be so happy-you nailed that one right on as well-I am so happy!!

I am glad that you are happy as well mom.  I know you are married to a man who loves you and takes care of you and keeps a smile on your face and we all deserve that.  It means so much to me that you are finally happy with the person I am with.  I know throughout the years I may have been upset with the opinions you gave me of that person who made me so unhappy but I guess it was just because I knew what you were saying was true and I was just in denial of all of it.  I am so glad that you never gave up on me and reassured me that I do deserve happiness because I know that your encouragement helped me to get where I am now.  I am glad you like Miji and I want to assure you in every way that I am the happiest I have ever been with a significant other.  He is the Prince Charming you used to read to me about when I was little.

So Mom I just want to tell you that while I will miss you on your birthday and spending it with you, please know my thoughts will be of you and knowing in my heart that you are 70 years young and knowing you  you will be having a wonderful birthday because you deserve it so much.  I know I do not tell you often enough how much I love you and appreciate everything you have ever done for me and the way you have loved me and all of us throughout the years and you still continue to do so.  You have given us your unconditional love and encouragement and passed things on to us that will continue to be passed on for generations to come. 

Thank you Mom!  I love you (even when you think I don't).  Your love will always stay on my mind and in my heart.  Happy 70th birthday pretty lady!!!

On My Mind...

I have a lot of things on my mind lately and to try and  clear those things out I am going to blog about them!  Here we go...

First things first.  I recently bought a new car over the weekend and when I got home I immediately had buyers remorse-am I the only one who has that?  I am cheap and don't like to spend too much money on myself.  I love shopping at thrift stores and I am very much a bargain shopper.  Even when I bought my car recently I haggled to no end to get them down to the lowest they could go!  Still the thought of the slightly higher car payment and insurance payment creeps up on my thoughts as I try to push it away.  I mean I know it's all fine but buyers remorse is not my friend!

July in my family is a big birthday month.  First we have my mama who lives in Texas on the most american day of the year-4th of July.  She was born on her mom's birthday which is also the 4th of July (in case I wasn't clear).  Everytime I see something patriotic or just anything red, white and blue I always think of my mom and grandma.  Unfortunately we don't get to see Mom very often because of the distance between us and one day I hope we can go visit her in Texas again-it just always seems that schedules, time and money don't always allow.  I miss having my mom within close proximity to all of us.  She knows how to cook really good (for a white girl!)  She makes awesome chicken mole, spaghetti and chicken dumplings.  For 4th of July we used to barbecue and she would make her potato salad and we would do fireworks.  I miss being younger...I miss my mom (love you mom-stop crying!).  I don't really remember my grandmother too much.  I think she passed away when I was about 10.  I remember little things like her dresses she would wear and the tiny white cups with green decoration that she would drink coffee in.  I remember her kitchen-it's weird how you remember the little things like that.  Back when I was unhappily married I would drive to starbucks, get a frappuccino and just spend hours under the tree all by myself that my Grandma Jean and Grandpa Jim are buried under.  I would go there to find solace and peace.  I would talk to them about my unhappiness.  Perhaps they had a part in the peace and love I have found since then.  July 10th is my little girl's birthday-although these days she is not a little girl.  My Adri will be 17-Dang where have the years gone-its amazing how time flies.  I have so many hopes and dreams for this girl.  We may argue and not always see eye to eye but there are times I know she loves me like when we are watching TV or driving somewhere together and she says every few minutes "I love you mom".  It makes my heart swell with happiness.  She is so much like me it isn't even funny.  She is my little mini me and I would do anything I could for her.  I wish her all the love and happiness in the world.  Next up-July 19-My wonderful sister.  To me and my brother my sister is more a like a mom to us.  She is always there to make sure we are ok and has the biggest heart.  All I want for her is to be happy and I think she finally is-love her!  July 27th is my niece Jennifer's birthday.  Jennifer is no longer here with us.  She passed away way too early and we all miss her so much.  She was my sister's world and I know that our Jen-Jen is watching over us from heaven and I will be thinking of her that day.

Aside from birthdays is July 19th.  Now I know that I mentioned it was my sister's birthday on this day but it is also a significant day for me because it is the day my divorce became final last year.  The time has flown by so fast.  It is a significant day for me because in a way it is sort of my independence day-the day I finally became free-the day I got my name back the day I could truly start over again-and I have.  It's funny how this day there is always something going on.  Last year we went to see The Dark Knight Rises and of course it was my sister's birthday.  I remember setting my alarm to midnight last year and when it went off I knew I was divorced-it was a feeling I will never forget.  This year Ant scheduled his driving test to get his license that day-truly a milestone day.

This week I will finally be done with all my doctor appointments.  I scheduled an appointment to get accquainted with my new doctor and from there I had bloodwork appointments, well woman appointments (UGH!) and a few other appointments to check on some things I may share later.  I tend to get worried when I go to doctor appointments and I turn to Miji and tell him of my concerns.  He always knows just what to say and do and calms my worries.  He tells me that we are going to live a long and happy and healthy life together and that everything is going to be ok and I am just fine.  I wonder how I got so lucky to finally have a man in my life who makes me feel so safe and incredibly happy.  It's an amazing feeling.  I love love!!  Which brings me to something else that has been on my mind and I am sure the minds of many others...

I just want to say that I am so happy about the fact that anyone can legally be with who they want to be with.  Man and Woman, Man and Man, Woman and Woman.  Love is love and I am overjoyed that so many people will get to be with whoever they want to be with.  Oh I know there are so many who will disagree but I don't care.  The way I see it, why should it affect anyone who doesn't like it.  It really is none of their business and nobody is asking them to marry someone they don't want to so who cares.  Adri shares my thoughts and posted as much on her facebook page.  Of course she was ridiculed by people who once were her friends.  I know she is my daughter because she stood up to them and said what she believed in.  People tried to say it wasn't right and how she must not believe in God and I really feel sorry for those people.  We do believe in God and I know that God looks at us individually and the people we are and how we treat others.  Anyone who tries to tell us we are not believers of God makes me sad for them, because we are and I know in the end the only one I will have to justify my actions to is God-not anyone else.

Anyways, I think I have ranted on enough.  If I don't blog before Thursday I would like to wish you all a happy 4th of July-Stay safe and sane just like the fireworks...and thanks for listening!

Every Day Is A Mystery

Waking up every day is a mystery.  You never know what the day holds for you.  This especially rang true this weekend when our plans entailed going to look and only look at the new KIA Cadenza.  It's this fancy car that we had been seeing commercials for and it was sleek and black and shiny-perfect.  We really had no intention of buying anything because I have a car payment that is on the brink of being paid off so seriously we were just going in to look!  Once we got there we weren't really impressed by the models they had of that specific car and outside of the commercial, it really was just another car-nothing special.  Adri and I left Miji to deal with the crazy salesman after I told the salesman we didn't like it.  To a man salesman a woman customer saying that is doomsday!  They know it's pretty much a no sale.  Anyways, Adri and I went on to check out the other cars and sit in them and fantacize they were ours.  I must admit she looked really cute in the driver seat of a mini SUV.  It's kind of crazy that my little girl will be driving someday soon-dang-where have all the years gone?

On our way back to the car Adri pleaded not to go home yet and I didn't really want to either.  A co-worker of mine has this really cute car called a Nissan Juke so I convinced Miji I wanted to check them out at the Nissan dealership across the street.  For years my dad was a car salesman and I pretty much know how they work.  The minute we walked on the lot our car salesman, Eddie, approached us.  I told him that I was broke and had no money down, had very bad credit (thanks to the ex) and I had a car payment until October-therefore I was only there to look at the Juke.  That did not matter to Eric he was convinced to get his sale!  We went inside and they ran some numbers-wow-not as bad as I thought-Thanks to my realtor who managed to short sale a house that had not been paid for for over a year!  Time for a test drive.  Up until this point I was convinced it was something that was not in my near future to get a new car.  The test drive was strange but awesome at the same time.  I had this wonderful sense of freedom and safety.  I felt like this was my car without anyone's name attached-without that person threatening that it was his car too-what a great feeling. 

After the test drive was when the real haggling began.  My daddy din't raise no dummy and I knew how to get what I knew I wanted.  I told them the minute I walked on the lot what I wanted and what I could do and eventually it worked out.  It was also a good life lesson for Adri to see that you can't just let someone talk you into something but that you have to fight for what you want and also that things are definately not free!!  I did have some buyer remorse for the rest of the weekend.  I am a bargain shopper and anytime I spend more than $100 on myself I start to freak out.

What I realized with the help of my Miji and my Facebook friends and my family is that I deserve this and that it is ok to have nice things and spend money that I work for.  One of the comments I received when I posted on Facebook was what a difference a year makes.  I sighed and thought how true that statement was.  Last year at this time I was 18 days away from being divorced and just beginning to truly be happy and discover life again after living for close to 20 years in unhappiness. 
I feel really blessed of where I am in my life right now.  I may panic when the electric bill jumps a little or worry about getting by at times but then I realize that in the end I have my family and we are healthy and truly happy for the first time in forever.  Every day truly IS a mystery but I know it is a gift we are all given to make the very best of and that's just what I am going to do.

So Amazing...

My reflection time is when I am driving the 18 minutes it takes me to get to work.  This morning I had a Beyonce/Stevie Wonder song in my head called So Amazing.  I really love this song-it's really beautiful.  I pulled away from my house listening to this song just as Miji was opening the garage to leave for work.  I blew him a kiss and was on my way.  As I listened to the words of this fabulous song I thought about where I am in my life right now and I almost started to cry.  I am finally at peace in my life with an abundance of happiness that I have never felt together all at once.  Miji and I have been together for a year and a half now and everyday gets better than the last.  We made a promise to each other from the very beginning that we would never go to bed mad...and we never have.  I have heard this advice from many people in life but they are really words of wonder.  Miji and I really just get each other.  This man makes me laugh and lets me be myself and loves me unconditionally.  He is the kind of man that every girl wishes for...my Prince Charming.

Last year on Father's Day was the first year in many years that I was not with my kid's father.  I was one month away from officially being divorced.  My Dad passed away in 2005 so my day consisted of wishing my brother and Miji's dad a Happy Father's Day.  The kids were getting to know Miji and adjusting to life without their father being in it much.  Theirs is an uncertain relationship.  They talk on the phone once in a while but there is not much of an effort made to see the kids.  It's sad and frustrating at the same time when I think about it.  I mean I want them to have their dad in their life, but I refuse to force it on them.  The kids and I went through many trying years with their dad.  We went from a world of fighting and yelling almost every day to our now days of simple happiness.  When we first moved out and I would send them to their dad's to stay overnight and I would get called either just a few hours later or early the next day begging me to pick them up because they were fighting or he kicked them out and threatened to call the police on them...like I said it was really hard.  After that became a pattern I told them they didn't have to see their dad unless they wanted to and that Miji and I would do whatever they wanted in regards to giving them rides to whereever to spend time with their dad at their discretion.

I cannot imagine going more than a few days without seeing my kids so it is hard to wonder what is going through his mind.  It is somewhat frustrating because I know he thinks he is a wonderful father-I mean why not, he calls his kids every few days.  In the past year and a half I have never asked him for anything-not a dime and sadly he hasn't ever offered other than paying for half of a high school yearbook and less than ten times for fast food with the kids and maybe something from the mall for our daughter.  In his eyes that makes him Father of the year.  What he does not realize is that Miji and I have been the ones dealing with the every day.  We were the ones comforting Adri when she had a broken heart.  We were the ones teaching Ant to drive and cheering him on when he got his first job.  We were the ones who were the taxi, the ATM, the cooks, the caregivers.  Miji and the kids have grown closer as the days have gone by.  When the kids want or need something or need advice or have a question they usually go to him first.  Though Miji has never had kids of his own he has blossomed into this father figure for my kids that is simply wonderful.  He has a way of taking an incredibly bad situation and making it all ok.  He has been there for us this past year and a half when we needed a shoulder to cry on or a rock to lean on. 

He is the father figure that the kids have always needed in their life but have never had as a whole until now.  With their dad there were pieces of what they needed but never really the whole thing and while that is sad I am happy that Miji is there for them to be what they need as a father figure.  We made a card and got him a T-shirt that says "This is what Awesome looks like!"  When I handed it to him early Sunday morning I could tell he was really happy.  He thanked the kids and I and later told me thank you for giving him his first Father's day.  It truly brought tears to my eyes.

The very next day I got a voice mail from the kid's dad on my work phone telling me that he talked to the kids on father's day but then going on to tell me that I didn't make the kids on my own so I should acknowledge him with a phone call or a card telling him to have a happy father's day.  I was floored.  After giving it some thought I called him up-no answer and left him a voice mail telling him that he is absolutely right, I did not make the kids on my own but I sure am their only parent who is raising them without any offers from him for help.  I also reminded him that we were divorced and I was under no obligation to wish him a happy father's day,  I mean why should I celebrate him only because it was father's day...every day should count with him being a father to the kids!  I never got a call back from him with his response to my message and as the day went on I realized the lyrics to Alicia Key's song "Brand New Me" is my theme song.  If you have never heard it, look it up-great song!  My favorite part of the song is this...

"If I talk a little louder, if I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller, I've been under you too long
If you notice that I'm different, don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free"

(Shoutout to Adri for showing me the song!)  But it's true...I am free.  I am happy. We may not have all the fancy things some people have or all the money in the world but we all have each other.  We learn from each other every day and this is the life I always envisioned for me, for us.   I feel like we have come a really long way from where we were for so many years just a few years ago.  I feel grateful every day and I feel SO AMAZING just like Beyonce and Stevie Wonder sang to me on my way to work this beautiful day.

Get Me Out of Here!

Every morning a happy sounding little bell goes off on my phone at 5:00 am sharp.  I quickly turn it off so I don't wake up Miji and I wrap my arms around him.  I lay there all warm and cozy with the cool breeze from the fan gently blowing us.  By 5:15 I am dreading getting up even more but I make myself do it.  Today was no different except for the fact that I got out of bed at 5 twenty something and I was late.  Adri told me she wanted a smoothie in the morning so I walked to the kitchen and chopped strawberries and bananas so all I would have to do is start the blender when I got out of the shower.  I jumped in the shower, blow dried my hair, threw on my make-up, got dressed, made smoothies and I was pretty much on time. 

One last trip to the restroom-right on schedule.  I reach for the door and turn the knob but the door doesn't open.  I turn the knob a few times, turn the lock a few times-nothing...then panic sets in.  I scream out to Miji who is laying in bed "I am locked in the bathroom, the door won't open!"  By this time I hear Adri on the other side of the door asking Miji what's wrong and he tells her that I can't get out.  Adri is like me and she panics in situations such as these.  I could hear panic in her voice as they worked together to try and jimmy the doorknob.  The first thing that pops in my head is that all I need to do is take off the doorknob.  The conversation between me and them (Miji and Adri) went something like this:

Me: Get me the screwdriver that's by the door
Them: There's no screwdriver right here by the door
Me: Not the bathroom door the bedroom door

They stick the screwdriver under the door and I begin working on taking out the screws to get the doorknob off.  Meanwhile they are turning the doorknob as well.

Me: Stop turning the doorknob, don't touch it-Oh my God I am stuck in the bathroom-I feel like R. Kelly is going to start singing locked in the closet but he would change closet to bathroom
Them: (laughing)

As the screws come out and I think the door is just going to swing open there is a mechanism inside that is just sitting there stuck. At least now I can see them and I start to think that this is where they will squeeze my food through the door in days to come as I sit trapped in my bathroom.

Me: I am stuck in here I can' get out, how am I going to get out?
Them: Baby we're going to get you out (as adri is yelling to just kick the door down)
Me: I can't get out, I can't get out (more panicky)
Them: Stop yelling, we're doing the best we can
Me:  Ok, just hurry up, I am stuck!  Wait-hand me a credit card or something, I saw this on Teen Mom the other day!
Them: Oh yeah, you're right!

They hand me a little credit card and I try to jimmy the lock-still nothing and by this point I am thinking about the bagel that is sitting in the toaster, the fact that Adri is late for school, how I am going to try and explain this to work when I call them to tell them I have taken up permanent residence in my restroom.

Me: Adri's going to be late, get money from my purse for her lunch and take her
Them: I will take her/Mom, it's ok I will just miss 0 period, we can't leave you in there!
Me: Get the hammer and try and bang this piece out

They get the hammer and instead of standing away from the hole, I put my face up close to get door dust in my eye after he hits the metal part with the hammer.

Me: I just got dust in my eye!
Them: Then stand away while I am hammering
Me: Can the hammer fit under the door
Them: No.  Can you get the window open in there
Me:  Um yeah but I will not fit through that tiny thing!  Are you planning to send Adri in to rescue me?  We will both be stuck!
Them: (laughing) No, I was going to hand the hammer to you!
Me: Ugh, just get me the scissors so I can pry this open!

They hand me the scissors and I slowly begin to pry out doorknob piece remnants-slowly but surely-progress-pieces start to fall out...just not the piece stuck in the door!

Them: You have got to be kidding me!
Me: What am I going to do?!  I don't want to be in here!

Finally I have had enough and just start maneuvering the scissors in the piece until a spring pops out with other little screws to follow and then the door pushes open.  I get up and hug Miji and tell him..."I never thought I'd see you again!" as Adri stood there smiling and they both asked if I was ok.

I took the screwdriver took off the final piece to the door and Miji started comtemplating when we would get another doorknob.  I told him I was traumatized and for a few days there would be no doorknob.  We sat there laughing about it for a few minutes before I had to leave for work.  Thank goodness today is my Friday!

No More Mean Girls!

Raise your hand if you agree that junior high was a blah time in your life.  Let's face it, you are coming out of elementary school and having to get used to the fact that you have more than one teacher which the mere thought of made you want to crap your pants the first day you had to try and find all your classes!  Junior high or as they call it now middle school (lame) was rough for most of us.  It is a time we are trying to find ourselves all while trying to stay out of trouble and be liked by your peers.  I was one of those kids who was pretty well known (could have been my name) but not popular.  I thought I was pretty cool and I think my friends did too but then again we were like a nerdy group of kids.  Of course everyone talked to everybody back then but of course there were the kids who we wanted to be like.  I will not name names here but I strived to be like many who are my facebook friends today.  I begged my mom to buy me lace gloves and jellies and those plastic purses with the holes in them so I could fit in but I never go the whole outfit right!

Of course it didn't matter to my friends because to us we were cool and we were friendly and got along with anybody...mostly.  Of course every teenage girl has their own encounter and stories of a real life mean girl or in my case a group of them.  Honestly it wasn't like I was really bullied or anything like that but they had things they would say that just made you feel so low.  These were the girls that knew how to wear makeup, had all the right clothes, their hair was perfect and the guys that you thought were cute were totally into them and girls like me were non-existent. 

By the time you get to high school there are bigger groups of people and more mean girls from different junior highs to deal with all in one school.  I was happy just being me and hanging out with my friends and doing what made me happy but of course the mean girls or the I am better than you girls were always there.  By the time graduation comes around you are so happy to get out of school and you never have to deal with those kinds of girls again.  I am sure that guys also have their share of feeling the same way like the jocks thinking they are better or whatever the case may be.

Then came facebook...  I got so excited when Facebook came around and all my old friends were in one place.  It was like a reunion that you didn't have to get all dressed up for.  Then suddenly, you get friend requests from people who were THOSE people in high school and you accept them because you want to see how great or awful their life turned out to be.  Sometimes it works out to your advantage when they were skinny in high school and the last 20 years it seemed like all they did was eat!  Of course there are the beautiful ones still who have a wonderful life and their darling little kids pictures dressed as Disney princesses are posted everywhere. 

I was guilty of this Facebook routine but then one day I thought that I didn't care about their wonderful life-why should I-they were mean back in the day.  I know, I know there will be some of you out there who say it's all about forgiveness and all and trust me I am not a bad person and don't sit here with a voo-doo doll for every mean person I have ever encountered.  I guess one day I realized that I never had anything in common with these people when I was younger and I was ok with that.  I went through my friends list and "unfriended" a lot of people who it didn't matter one way or another if they were my friends or not.  I must say that since I did that I am happy to see my facebook and learn about what all my friends are up to-the friends who were ok with how I looked when I was in junior high.  Who didn't care that my mom bought my shoes from Payless and my clothes from K-Mart (Yikes!). 

But it never fails...one day you will come face to face with one of those people who made life hell for you or who made you feel like the dirt on the bottom of your kmart ballerina shoes back in the day.  A while back Miji and I were at a softball game and there was a guy there who looked like a douchebag and he said hello to Miji and Miji said hello then turned around and told me how much he hated him.  The guy used to somewhat bully him back in the day and now here he was saying hello-ugh!  I had that happen twice at a family function at my sisters house.  It's like my sister is this magnetic energy that people are drawn to.  She's smart, funny and just so happens to know people who know people I went to school with.  I remember the first time it happened and she said- "Oh I met this person you went to school with and she remembers you."  I swear I wanted to vomit in my mouth.  Ugh!!!  She showed up to a party my sister had and my sister re-introduced us and it was like I didn't belong there.  She still had that effect on me after all these years.  I said hello and went outside, visited with other party people and drank as she was like a princess trying to be the life of the party. 

I found myself finding her on Facebook and checking out all her glamorous pictures of herself-Ugh!  Since then though, I haven't ran into her again, though I am sure my sister may still talk to her or their circle of friends from time to time.  This weekend it happened again-another mean girl at my sister's party.  Mean girl's in-laws are friends with my sister and we had fun the whole afternoon enjoying the hot day as we dangled our feet in the jacuzzi enjoying glasses of wine.  They told me she may drop by later and when she did it was like it was time to go home.  She smiled and told me hello but the mean girl energy was in the air.   I was somewhat happy that she was not that skinny girl she was in school and I was happy that I was littler than her (I know that sounds evil).  We went to one side of the party and she was at the other.  She made it a point to be sweet to everyone that was there-except me.  The funny thing is that I didn't care about trying to be in her circle of friends like I would have back in the day.  I was happy with how things turned out in my life-and I was still wearing my cute payless shoes too (of course different ones)!

Yesterday I found my junior high yearbook and I looked her up.  I rolled my eyes at her picture, laughed at all the pictures of jocks I thought were cute with hearts I drew by their names and put it back in the closet.

The more life changes, the more it stays the same-payless shoes and all and you know what... I am happy with how my life has turned out.  Sometimes it pays to be a nice girl.

My Me-Modification

This past week has been a crazy ending to my extraordinary journey I began in early 2011-earlier than that if you go to where it all began in 1993-but I won't go back that far.  In early 2011 I decided that after years of unhappiness I needed to finally make a change in my life.  Just what was it that I needed a change from...easily answered-my marriage.  Looking back now I wish that I would have listened to my family and friends who always told me how unhappy I looked, but I always denied it.
You always see shows on television about unhappy marriages or relationships and you think Oh my God, that person is so stupid for staying in that unhealthy relationship, but you never realize that sometimes that stupid person is you.  That was me.  It took me close to 20 years to realize it.  When you are with someone and have an unhealthy relationship it's not a good thing but when you have kids, it's worse.
At first you tell yourself that they don't understand that their parents hate each other or that they don't know that yelling isn't normal, but then after a while it all becomes a way of life for everyone, especially the kids.  The more we argued and fought the more I hated life.  You start to not care as much for things that made you happy before.  You develop this attitude of not caring at all.  You go through life doing what you have to do, taking care of the kids and paying the bills and going to work.  I went along for so many years just trying to keep up the facade that everything was ok.  I remember people telling me how unhappy I looked or sounded and actually getting mad at them telling them I was happy.  Looking back now I realize I wasn't really mad at them but just mad at myself because I knew they were right.
As the years went on the fighting continued and the kids grew up, and they began to learn our fighting ways.  It got to the point where it seemed like there was always some equation of two out of four people in our house fighting for some reason or another.  Through all of this though, I thought this was my life and I might as well get used to it.  I had two kids and they had us for parents so I pushed on to make it work.  One of my brightest ideas (and I'm being sarcastic) is that since we were bound together forever, why not buy a house?
Of course this would require him to get a full time job as throughout the years I was the only one who mostly always had a full time job either regular or temporary, so I began my quest to make that happen- a full time job for him.  One of my on line applications I placed for him paid off and he got the job-then we started looking for a house.  It took us a few months to find the one that would meet all our needs, like having two bathrooms, enough bedrooms and close enough to the kid's schools.  When we did find it I had big dreams for the house.  I thought that this would be the house that I would grow old in unhappy or not.  Small renovations we could afford like paint or re-finishing the floor was what I put my heart into and what gave me temporary happiness.  The fighting grew more intense once we moved into the house and I spent most evenings there crying myself to sleep.  I remember going outside each night to make sure things were locked up and I would pray that God would send me someone to love and who would love me the way I longed to be loved.  Someone who wouldn't call me names or fight with me and someone I would be so happy with.
I remember my sister telling me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know in my heart and mind that it was time to leave.  I had this thing called my 4 year plan in my head where I told myself that once my daughter entered in high school I would stay the duration (4 years) and once she was done with school I would leave.  That actually came sooner.  My breaking point came as one day when the police were called to the house because of all the yelling and me and my daughter left for a while and I told her that it was not okay for a man to treat a woman like this and to never think it was ok.  She once told me I was not strong enough to leave and I realized right then that I had to change her perception of me because I was strong.
I got all the forms to file for divorce and I started filling them out.  I moved all of my things out of the master bedroom that he and I shared into an empty room we had in the front of the house and I called it my suite.  I went to counseling alone and started to realize that I was going to be ok.  I started going to church and involved myself by teaching a sunday school class.  I started to see my old self slowly returning and I realized it was time to go my own way.  He knew of my plans but still continued to believe that everything would be ok and that I wouldn't leave.  I filed the divorce paperwork but was afraid to serve him because I didn't know where I would go or when.  He knew I filed for a divorce and he would keep my mail from me from the court and open it up and then put it in my room later telling me the envelope must have got damaged in the mail.
I started looking for apartments and I started getting out and enjoying life without him.  I found an apartment and finally had him served with the paperwork.  I was so scared he would try and make it hard to leave but in the end the kids and I packed up and moved out.  Of course the kids still had stuff at his house and they would spend time with him as well.  I met someone who I believe to this day that is the person I prayed for for so long.  One of the things that kept me in the marriage once we bought the house was that house.  We bought it in 2008 and here it was 4 years later and all I could think of was defaulting on the loan-I knew he couldn't and wouldn't make the payments.  I urged him for some time to sell the house but he was determined to keep it.
He stayed there for about 9 months mortgage payment free as our credit fell before he agreed to sell.  I got help from a friend of mine who is a Realtor and we began the tedious process of trying to get him to leave the house and process all the paperwork to get it done.  I was happy when we actually had a buyer for the house but the hardest part was getting him to move out of the house.  He would always throw in the phrase to the kids "No matter what happens with your mom and I..." I think he thought in the back of his mind I would reverse the divorce which became final in 2012 and go back to him, the house and unhappiness.  Series of unfortunate events also happened with him which made it even harder for him to leave-I never thought the day would come that he would.
Luckily I had a Realtor who was determined to get the house cleared out and she made it all happen.  I got a text message last Friday telling me that I no longer owned the house on B Street.  It was like a weight had been lifted and I finally felt like I could face the future without the past holding me back.  This week he and I and our Realtor came face to face for the last time to cash out the final escrow check.  As I stood there in the parking lot with the man I found that I believe is my soul mate, my Realtor driving away, $50 I made from the sale of my house and the man that made me unhappy for so many years walking in another direction I finally felt like the person I lost so long ago....happy.