8 Days Before Christmas

December 17th is a day that I have had emblazoned in my mind on this day for the last 20 years. Wow-20 years-seems like a long time and I guess it is a long time. For the last two years I have thought that I could just block it out of my mind when it gets here, but no. 20 years ago today changed my life forever and things like that you can't seem to forget even when it's part of your past. Twenty years ago this day I met the father of my children. I fell for him hard and fast and got sucked into the most tumultuous relationship of my life. We did things backwards and had a son before we were married. There was never a proposal, marriage was just something we decided to do, then came our daughter. There was both good times and bad, but sadly there was more bad than good. we fought, made up, fought, made up...it went on for years this way. When you invest so much time and energy into a relationship it's hard to walk away even when you're unhappy. It becomes even harder when you have kids. I thought about getting a divorce for years but I was too scared to actually go through with it. I was afraid of the unknown and how I would make it through with two kids and one income. I was also scared of something he used to tell me that I eventually believed...Nobody is going to love you or want you, especially with two kids. I still hear the words in my memory. Isn't it strange how things like that stick with you? The kids got older and I gave in to the marriage more and more. I envisioned what my life would be like if I was happy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't locked in some torture chamber unable to leave and there were good times, but I just did not ever think that this was my ever after. People used to ask me if I thought that he was my soul mate and I would quickly respond without hesitation-no! They would think I was crazy I mean we were married after all and I didn't think he was my soul mate, but truly, I never did. I didn't know that there would be a time I would not be with him and I started to doubt that I would ever find what I truly wanted and needed in a relationship because here I was, married to him. We renewed our vows because we thought maybe we could make it work and that would help, no. We bought a house together thinking we could be happy there forever, no. After we moved into that house things got worse and the fights became more intense and the words more harsh. The kids were getting older and wiser and it was not the way iI wanted them to remember their teen years-enough was enough. My sister once told me that one day I would reach my breaking point and know it was time to leave and I did. There is a song with these lyrics... "You can only go for so long doing the one you claim to love wrong before too much is enough you look up and find your love gone" Those words stuck with me and they became more true with each new day. I told him for years that I was leaving and one day when I reached my breaking point and worked up enough courage I finally did. My mom told me that one day I would look back at that time in my life and wonder what took me so long and she was right. Today I am the happiest I have been since the days I held each of my kids for the first time. The man in my life is the one that I know I was meant to be with and if people ask me if I think he is my soul mate there is not a doubt in my mind. He holds me and tells me things I never thought I would hear. He made me believe in love again and I will become his wife in 2014. Perhaps today's date will eventually fade away but if not, it's ok. I learned a lot from my first marriage, it made me stronger to be the person I am today. Had I not met him 20 years ago today I would not have been given the gift of my children, and I cannot imagine my life without them. They have been there with me pretty much from the beginning and I love them more than they will ever understand. I went through what I did mostly for their benefit and I have little regret. In all the bad that he and I went through, I don't wish him anything but the happiness and love that I have found in my new life, the one where December 17th is nothing more than 8 days before Christmas.

Calm Down Bridezilla it's Christmas!

I have a wedding widget on my phone that counts down how many days are left until our big day next year. I also have the days numbered on my calendar at work. Today the number reads 218. Just 218 days left! Yes I know that sounds like a lot but I know once the holidays pass the time is going to fly by. I have kind of been in this sort of mode where I feel like I have to do something for the wedding every few days like watching wedding shows or looking for invitations or going on the David's Bridal website just to feel like a wedding is going to happen. When Miji proposed to me in August we kind of got a little ahead of ourselves. We booked the venue for the wedding and reception, I bought my dress, we picked out tuxedos and bridesmaids dresses, held a wedding party meeting, booked the photographer, set up a meeting with the cake lady, booked the DJ-whew! I know what you're thinking...what's left?!! I know, I know, we have got a lot accomplished and now it's time for the holidays. I was so used to doing something every week that needed to get done and now we're just sitting back and enjoying the holidays. In the back of my mind though I think of new things that have to be done and worry about crazy things-Like what if the girls don't buy their dresses and they go on clearance and stop selling them? What if the guys don't get fitted for their tuxes by the deadline? The little things keep nagging me and while I want to enjoy the holidays I find myself thinking of all these things in my head-I am crazy!!! I was watching an episode of Say Yes to the Dress and the brides were going in to buy new dresses because they changed their minds about their original dresses that they fell in love with. I do that too! I find myself going on David's Bridal website looking for different things, then I realize I totally love my dress and the way that it sparkles and shines-it is so me and I cannot wait to wear it. Quite often I unzip the bag my dress lives in for now and I say hello dress-it's me, I love you! Miji and his parents think its funny when I do that. I tell myself that I better take some time to enjoy the holidays because I know that once 2014 gets here I will have just 192 days on my wedding widget-see how crazy I am that I know that!? I also know that come january I have to get serious about the gym! I have been in a weird not wanting to do any fitness related thing because of last week being Thanksgiving and the next few weeks filled with parties, lunches and potlucks and Christmas-why even bother! Yup, I am sure my gym is going to be packed come January and I plan on being there all the time!!! I tried to be good the other day by doing some good old manual situps-yeah that was fun, I ended up having to take a pain pill because I messed up my back-see what I get for trying? Oh well-I am on a mission come january and I figure as long as my dress zips up, that's perfect! So for now I will put all my wedding thoughts to the back of my mind, enjoy the holidays and fattening food and in January I will begin to drive the 25 people that are in my wedding crazy in a non bridezilla-ish way!

The Bigger Things

Today is a chilly day in the Inland Empire. This is the kind of winter that I can handle. Yesterday it was pouring down rain which is fine when you're curled up on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate or laying in bed with the one you love just hanging out and listening to the rain. Unfortunately I was at work through all the rain and driving through it to get home when it seemed to be at its worst-I hate driving in the rain. Today when I walked Miji to his car and the wind was blowing through my hair and I was marveling at the beautiful weather, I stood there in my front yard taking in everything that I have to be grateful for. I watched Miji drive down the street and thought to myself how very lucky I am to have this man in my life. This man has come into my life and turned my world around. Since I have met him I have become a better person and everybody sees it. I can't wait to go to bed each night so he can wrap his arms around me like he does and in the morning I get to wake up beside him. It's one of the best feelings in the world to feel so loved. I looked at the Honda that used to be mine that my son now has and is putting a lot of time into. Yesterday he got the windows tinted and it made him happy. It made me smile and I think about how happy he is and has been. Two years ago at this time he still had one of his closest friends in his life but then suddenly lost him in a tragic accident. My son could have been in that vehicle that day but I told him he couldn't go. I think about it often and I thank God each time. Anthony has come a long way from that dark time after he lost his friend and was so sad for a really long time. Add to that my divorce from his dad and the transition of moving in to a totally different environment. He has come a long way and sort of grown up. He is 19 years old, graduated from high school, has a good job and he is looking forward to his future with his fiancee. He has a pretty good head on his shoulders and knows right from wrong. He is still my little boy in my eyes but I know as he gets older and time goes by he is going to grow up to be something great, he already is to me. I walked back into my house and sat in my room listening to my daughter talk to her friend on speakerphone-I am proud of this one as well. We just found out last week that her grades are the best they have been since she started high school. Teenagers these days tend to slip up on their grades. This year I sent her to a different school to get caught up on credits and get back on track and she has made me proud. She has also come a long way. I remember a time when she would sleep with me in my room the year before I filed for the divorce when my ex and I slept in separate rooms. We really bonded during this time and she was my little rock when times were bad. She protected me in a sense and whenever an argument would start between her dad and I back then she would try to diffuse the situation. She is like me in so many ways and she has blossomed into this beautiful young lady. It is hard to believe she will be an adult two days before my wedding-she has grown so fast. I see shows on TV where girls younger than she is already have had kids at that young age and I am thankful that that is not her because I know she has her whole life ahead of her to plan her way. Miji always tells me that I have done a good job considering all that we have had to go through to get to this point. Things could have gone differently but they have gone all according to God's great plan. I have come to realize that the secret to being happy in your life is being grateful for what you have without wanting more and I can honestly say I truly understand that right now at this point in my life. Sometimes you have to realize that the little things that make you smile really are the bigger things.

Outta My Way Pumpkin Pie-I Have Goals!

Today is gym day and right now I am not feeling it but I made a promise to myself that I am going to lose thirty pounds even if I pass out once in a while in the process. Miji and I decided soon after he proposed that we would join a gym so we could drop some of these love pounds. In case you don't know what love pounds are it is the weight that you gain once you have found the one and you are so in love you figure they will love you no matter what you look like. Now I am not doubting that MIji would not stop loving me nor would I stop loving him and we even laugh and say if we weighed 950 pounds we would feed each other in bed since we would'nt be able to move at that point! But the thing is I want to look good and feel good and be happy when Miji tells me how beautiful I am-I want to feel like I am beautiful too! So we joined Planet Fitness and it was a pretty good deal $10 each per month-not bad. When we first joined we were going at least 3 times per week but then as the time changed we just wanted to get home and do our evening routine without feeling like it was 10:00 at night. Last week I put my foot down and told Miji we had to get back in gear and get back to the gym-he didn't like it, but he agreed. I went back last Friday on my day off and I decided to get there early to avoid the crowds and the weird people-yes there are weird people there...let's take a few minutes to talk about that. Now I am not saying I am perfect, not by far but ya, weird people. There are the ones that look like Ghetto astronauts and wear plastic looking space workout suits. They are used to make them sweat more during their workout but it seems that the people who wear these are not really working out but kinda just standing around drinking water or sitting on a machine taking up the space and watching everyone else. Then there are the overachievers-hey good for them. I get it, they have goals and they will probably get there because they are working hard. They are the type that make you feel like a loser. The ones that are running like a crazy guy on the treadmill and singing "Eye of the tiger" as they reach mile 25 in under an hour! Then there are the ones who are waiting for the machine you just got on and they look at you like you are wasting their time and you just know they are cussing you out in their head. You tend to just put your head down and concentrate on your workout while secretly wishing they would go away. There are the body builders. They are the ones sitting up in front of the mirrors or on those weight machines that get crazy if you go on the machine they walk away from like it is theirs. I enjoy watching the mirrors they are looking into to see what funny faces they make as they lift their heavy weights. I am just one of the ones who wants to go in and workout without any problems. Miji and I first tried to work out together but we distracted each other talking and laughing. He also likes to try and be one of those motivators who say "c'mon five more minutes c'mon you can do it" Ugh! I know I can do it but I would be much more happy with a donut! So anyways I went back last week and worked out alone and I felt accomplished. I found a routine that I think I am going to try and stick to that I like. Miji likes doing 20 minutes of cardio on the treadmill but I need variety or I get bored, I don't have as much focus as he does. I love the bikes because you can knock out a few miles really fast and you're sitting down and bonus, there are like 20 TV's in front of me-except I have to read the screens! Then they have this sort of swing for your abs. You kneel on it and pull your way up while your body is swinging away-love it and you can feel it working the next day. Recently I discovered this ab machine that you push weight forward. It wasn't till I was having so much fun on this that I realized it was like a sit up-another bonus! On to the next machine that you kneel on and do side twists. I guess I love these machines because it seems more like fun than a workout! Then I move on to the arm machines. My wedding dress is strapless since they really don't make dresses with sleeves anymore and so I am trying to get cute little arms-I do not want to be flabby arm girl! So it's back to the gym tonight with my 30 pound goal in sight only for it to be ruined by all that scrumptious food next week-Damn you turkey and pumpkin pie-why do you mock me?

Honeymoon Phase Forever

I was reading an interesting article about how to tell if your "Honeymoon Phase" of your relationship is over. The honeymoon phase is defined as the beginning stage of your relationship where the other person can do no wrong and everything is blissful. The article stated that after about three months the honeymoon phase starts to end and then the real people of the relationship start to emerge. After reading this I smiled to myself because after 1 year and 10 months together Miji and I are still in the "Honeymoon Phase". I remember when we first started dating we went to Yardhouse at Victoria Gardens in Rancho Cucamonga. We were seated at this big round table by this waitress who looked so annoyed with us because we were laughing and smiling and flirting with each other and just so in love. The funny thing is that we are still this way with each other as if no time has passed-it is the most incredible feeling in the world. My favorite part of the day is when the day is almost over and we retreat to our room for the evening. We hang out on our bed and just watch tv and laugh about stupid things and talk until we are tired and fall asleep in each other's arms. Sometimes he will be doing something on his phone while I am on mine and we glance at each other and just smile and mouth the words "I love you" to each other. Even in the middle of night he wraps his arm around me or pulls my arm around him like a blanket. We are in the honeymoon phase even when we are sleeping! I was thinking about that article and thinking back to all my relationships before I met Miji and I can honestly say that in those relationships that article was true-the real people that was myself and them emerged and the honeymoon phase did end after three months-sometimes even less. In this case with Miji it has been so different than anything I have ever experienced. From the moment I watch him pull out of our driveway to the moment I see him as I walk in the door at night I miss him and am counting down the hours until I see him again. He will come up to me and put his arms around me and say "God, I love you" and he looks at me with his warm brown eyes with so much love that it makes me emotional. Sometimes while we are laying there at night and he is telling me how much he loves me and all the reasons why, I start to cry and I tell him how happy I am and how lucky I feel to have him in my life. Some people don't believe in soulmates and I used to doubt that soulmates existed at one time in my life, but not anymore, I believe I have found the one my soul belongs with as his belongs with me. He once sent me a quote that I have on my cubicle wall at work to remind me how incredibly lucky I am. Here it is: "There's this incredible feeling you get when you meet someone new and you feel like you've known them your whole life. Beyond the fact that you now share a set of reference points, there's something so much more intrinsic They're not just awesome, kind or funny. It's that their sensibilities and personality so line up with your own that you feel it in your bones. It's outright chemical. Sometimes you didn't know this person at all. Sometimes you've heard a million things about them beforehand. But there is no denying it when it happens, and you wonder how you've ever, ever got by in your life without them." Under the quote he wrote "That's you sweetie". He makes the whole world melt away when he looks at me and I will never be the same. My wish is for every person in love to always be in the honeymoon phase-just like me and my Miji.

My Last Last Name

It totally amazes me sometimes where I am now as opposed to where I was less than two years ago. I mean sometimes I get so overwhelmed by it all that I cry as I think about it. Flash back to two years ago... It was November 2011. Just weeks earlier I filed for divorce and I spent most of my time in what I called my own suite. It was the formal living room to the house that my then soon to be ex-husband purchased in 2008. It was the opposite side of the house where he occupied the back den, master bedroom and bathroom. In the beginning of 2011 I had decided I could not pretend anymore and I was tired of alternating who had the room on what night so I made the livingroom into my own. I had my own double bed, some recliner chairs, a couch, cable tv and whatever I needed. Worry and a lack of faith was the only thing preventing me from moving out completely. I had never owned a house before and I was so scared of just walking away from the payments, I mean just totally thinking forget it. Our house payment was a little over $1,400 and I felt like I would be sued and did not know what to do about it. I also knew that if I did leave, he would not be able to make the payment-which is why I stayed. As the holidays drew closer I dreaded it. We were known to fight on the holidays instead of being happy like everyone else. There was always something that turned into an argument on the holidays. We rarely said fewer than a few sentences to each other every day and it was just a bad situation. I can honestly say that in 2011 I do not even remember what we did for Thanksgiving. I do remember that Anthony wanted to go to Merced with his friends but I wouldn't let him go because I thought it was too far. I have to admit it was one of the most imprtant decisions of my life. Just days later those friends on that trip were in a tragic car accident and two of his friends died. It was an emotional time. Words his friend used to tell people inspired me to make me understand that I was the only one who was responsible for my own happiness. It was then I realized that you can't take life for granted and believe you have forever. Then it was December. My son was sad and emotional about losing his friend and me and the girl tried to be there for him as much as he would allow. His dad just didn't really get it and went on with life as usual. He didn't really understand how hurt my son truly was over the loss and there was a lot of tension which led to more arguments. The kids and I bonded together during this time and I knew a change had to be made but I didn't know how. One evening in December my ex-sister in law and now my friend invited me over to her place for dinner. It would be the night that totally changed my life. She was there with her roommate and my nephew and a guy I didn't know. I came to find out it was a guy she was dating. They were wonderfully happy and so well in sync that it made me envious. They had that chemistry that people search to find. I asked them where they met and they told me Match.Com. Really? I thought-wow it looked like this was a great match...maybe I could be so lucky. They told me I should try it and I was amused, I really wanted to do it. I went home and logged on to my computer and checked the site out. You can join for free and make a profile but in order for it to work at the sites full potential you have to pay for one of their plans, otherwise communication with others on the site is pretty much impossible aside from winking. I remember thinking here I am this person who is still technically married even though I have filed for a divorce but have only tried to serve the paperwork. How would that even work? What would I even say..."Yes I want to get to know you but I am still technically married, hopefully soon to be divorced oh and by the way, I still live in the same house as the soon to be ex husband." It sounded crazy and I didn't go back for a few days. The truth is, I wasn't looking to go on the site and find a boyfriend, I just wanted to get out in the world again and hang out and find myself-it's hard to understand if you have never been there. Christmas came and went and by New Year's eve I decided to just pay for a month and see what happened-another important decision. If you have ever been on an online site you will agree that there is a lot of sifting you have to do-so I did. I saw the profile of a guy that was handsome and seemed really nice. I was put off by a photo he had that made him look high maintenance and I winked but didn't leave him a message...until a few days later. He responded and we started texting each other every day little by little. We decided to meet for lunch one day and we instantly clicked. It was like we had known each other forever. We were so at ease with other and it just felt right. I can't explain it but I knew that I wanted to be around him. We were very open and honest with each other and I told him about my soon to be divorce and my living situation. I told him I had two kids and he told me he had none but that it was not an issue if he never had any of his own (which was great because my baby factory closed down!) What can I say we just clicked. He got me and I got him. He embraced my outgoing and humorous personality because he was the same way. Back at the house the tension had turned into explosions of fighting and a lot of the time it wasn't even me and him but equations of him and the kids and sometimes me. A friend of mine was finally able to serve him the divorce papers after a few failed attempts. It was hard to serve paperwork to someone who never answered the door but looked right at you through a window-ugh! One day I remembered about a public meeting he would be attending, and that's when it happened. After that, things became worse at home because it was official. My years of telling him I was leaving were finally coming to an end and happening and it was hard for him to grasp. He also had the realization that the space he put between him and the kids in fighting with them for so long would probably make them want to leave with me as well. Two weeks before February 2012, I found an apartment and started packing the most essential things accumulated in a span of almost 20 years in boxes. It was done and he knew it. He would get mad and knock over my neatly stacked boxes. He would start arguments and Anthony and Adri would tell him to leave me alone-protecting me. I spent the first night in my new apartment on a Friday and officially moved our things in on a Saturday. It was the first time that Ant met the person in my life from match. Ad had already met him and things went just as they were supposed to and they were ok because they saw the changes I was making in my life for the betterment of all of us (is betterment a word?). Time in my apartment was spent finding myself again and doing things I wanted to do. The kids were happier and had this place where they didn't have to fight everyday. The divorce procedure went fairly smoothly aside from getting paperwork sent back to me over and over. I finally had to get the help from a paralegal to get it done right and on July 19, 2012 I became the person I had not been for so long...Tembi Mina Morales. It was one of the most happiest days in my life-I suddenly felt so free, it was an amazing feeling. Then came November a year ago. That's when me and the person from match.com (I call him Miji) decided to take our relationship to another level. We moved in to a house together with the kids and we haven't looked back. It's a house in a quiet neighborhood just big enough for the four of us and a few pets. We pay all of our bills and have a little left over. We are happy. It's a simple life and I look forward to going home every night where as before i looked forward to going to work to just get away. The crazy fighting that used to exist exists no more. Just the other day Adri told me that they both feel safe at our house and it made me teary eyed. We have lived there for a year and this year we went into our new lease as newly engaged. Miji asked me to marry him on August 18th of this year and of course I said yes. He has turned our lives around (with the help of God of course). I believe he was my destiny, my Godsend, my soulmate. I am such a better person because of him and he balances out all my flaws. I cannot imagine what life would be if I had never met him. I am thankful each day for the way life has turned out. In July 2014 I will become Tembi Mina Tovar...which will be the last name I will ever have.

Always In My Heart Forever

I was asked yesterday by a friend of mine what happened to my blog. The truth is I have been so busy with everything going on in my life that I kind of put it to the side, which I hate because I promised myself that I would start writing more so I am making a vow or trying to at least to remember to write my blog at least once per week. Hopefully it will be like a tv show that you wind up looking forward to on a certain day. I knew instantly what I wanted today's blog to be about. It is something I gave a speech on at one of my recent Toastmasters meetings. In case some of you are are wondering what Toastmasters is, it is a speech club where you have to give speeches and hear speeches and help each other be better public speakers. I joined the club because I was told to for work but I have really come to enjoy it. Anyways, the title of that speech was "Always In My Heart". As many of you know, I am getting married in July of next year and with each new day I am looking forward to that special day. I am sure you all know that I was married before and had two weddings with that person. As I write this I think of little details that were staring me in the face back then but that I clearly did not see. The first wedding was at the Hall of records in San Bernardino. I wore a white suit and there were some friends and family there. My dad was keeping Anthony busy (yes we already had Anthony before we were married) instead of walking me down the tiny little aisle and I thought it was no big deal-I mean we were at the Hall of Records. We went out to lunch after that and the following week we had a reception at a hall-nothing fancy. Things I remember from that reception...His family came together and left together and didn't stay the whole time. When I couldn't find him I went looking and found him in a small room with some strange wedding guest (a girl) whom I didn't know standing very close and fixing his tie-Boy, was I naive. The second wedding was ten years later in a church I wore a red evening gown type of dress and again we had the reception in a hall. It ended up being a big mess that I choose to block out. It was not really organized, family members had disagreements, ugh. Also, this time...my Dad was already gone. He had passed away a few months before the wedding and it was hard to think that one of the most special times for a daughter and her Daddy walking down the aisle was something that I would never get to experience-ever. As you all know from knowing me I ended up getting a divorce and have now been divorced for over a year. It's funny how things happen in life the way you never imagined they would. I remember fighting with the Ex and telling him I would never get married again because I never wanted to go through the hell of it again. I guess what I did not realize at the time was that marriage is not supposed to be what I had experienced with him for so long. Miji came along and showed me everything I was supposed to experience when you're truly in love and it has been an experience I can honestly say I have never felt before. He has made me believe in love again, something I gave up on years before with the Ex. We talked about marriage on and off and he told me that he was going to marry me one day. He proposed to me on August 18th and it was something I had never experienced before. Every little girl dreams about that special someone proposing down on one knee confessing his love and I had never had that. The first time around I told him we should get married since we already had Ant-he said ok-no proposal. Miji and I were alone on a Sunday afternoon and he told me he was going to the kitchen to get some water and he came back with a ring box in his hand and got down on one knee and told me how much he loved me and all I meant to him and all the reasons he wanted to marry me. We both cried and I was so happy-we both were. We called up our families and told them the news, We celebrated with his family as it was also his Aunt's birthday. When we got there they had champagne waiting for us and the wedding planning commenced. Adri thought that I should tell her dad so she didnt let it slip while visiting him so I thought I would tell him as a courtesy. He reminded me that I had said that I was never going to get married again during one of our fights and I told him it was because of the way he made me feel about marriage-it was very freeing to say that to him. He has since congratulated me and Miji-not that it ever mattered. The wedding planning process has been something that I never really experienced before. This time around I have a fiance who has a loving and caring family and who are so involved and actually want to be involved. This time around I had that wonderful proposal that I had always dreamed about. This time around I have that beautiful white wedding dress that makes my eyes light up every time I look at it. This time around I have everything I ever dreamed a wedding should be like...except for one thing...I don't have my Daddy. I have been thinking about my Dad a lot since the wedding planning process began. I always think of how happy he would be for me and Miji. Miji sometimes asks me if I think that my Dad would like him and I respond...he would have loved you, and that's so true. My Dad always only wanted the best for me and I know that he is watching all this from Heaven finally satisfied that I am in the place in my life right now where I always should have been. I used to pray all the time that I would be given someone who would love me and care for me and protect me, and I so have that now-it's truly amazing and I am just in awe each time I think of it. I think about all the little coincidences in my life that connected Miji and I and it makes me believe even more how we were meant to be. I regret the fact that I never had my Dad walk me down the aisle, but I guess I just thought that he would always be here. As it turns out, the money that I spent on the dress I love so much was bought with some money that belonged to my Dad. I have asked my Uncle to walk me down the aisle because he was my Dad's brother and I will feel like it's my Dad guiding me to the man of my dreams who is waiting for me at the end. In a sense, my Dad will be with me as I walk down the aisle as I will feel it when I put on my dress like he is in my soul-I feel him with me right now as I write this. You always see those movies where the loved one has passed and their spirits are right there with their loved ones-that's how I feel a lot of the time when I am alone or feeling happy or passing my Dad's picture in the hallway. When I was little I used to tell my Dad that I never wanted him to die and he would tell me that everybody has to die but that no matter what he would always live on in my heart. I couldn't understand just what he meant back then but I do now and he was right. Sometimes when I am missing my Dad I reach up and feel my heartbeat and feel a sense of security knowing that my Dad is always there...Miss you Dad.